Inner Monologue Of Someone Watching A Movie With Their Parents When A Sex Scene Comes On
Man, it’s nice to finally watch a movie with my parents again. We never really get to do things together anymore, and God knows it’s a struggle to find something we both want to watch. It’s been pretty boring so far, but it’s kind of to be expected with these romance dramas my mom loves so much — at least she’s happy. This actor is so hot, I can’t remember his name but I should find more with him in it, he’s awesome. And the girl’s not bad either. They make a cute couple. I could really go for some soda, I’m kinda thirsty. Maybe I should get up and get some… in a minute.
Heh, heh, getting a little kissy, I see. [Scoots uncomfortably in seat.] Well, that’s to be expected, they are really in love after all — gotta seal the deal with a little lip action. Nothing worse than the end of a Disney movie, though, except maybe with a little more tongue. Shoot, I should have gotten up to go get that soda when I had the chance. Now I can’t go or I’m gonna look like a little kid who can’t take a little grown up-on-grown up makeout action. Oh, well, I’ll just wait until it’s over in a minute and I’ll go get that soda.
Is he… is he taking off her shirt? Oh, no. Shit. Well obviously it’s just gonna be some over-the-bra action, this is only a PG-13 movie. I mean, I think it’s PG-13. I don’t remember checking — why didn’t I check? Why in the world didn’t I check? God damnit. Yeah, no, definitely not PG-13. Those are some titties right there in all of our faces. Just me, my parents, and some big ol’ titties wobbling around, staring at us. So he’s just gonna rub all over those boobies and we’re just gonna sit here and watch it because we are grown-ass adults and this isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.
Oh, Christ, my parents have done this. And I’ve done this. We’ve all done this. And we know we’ve all done this. My father has seen my mother’s titties on many separate occasions and this is the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered emotionally or intellectually and…
Yep, welp, they’re definitely gonna do it. He is totally gonna put his weiner all up in that and we are going to have to watch the whole thing because getting up to get my soda now would make it weird because that would mean that one of us actually acknowledged what we are all observing right now. As long as no one acknowledges the sex, it’s like it’s not even happening, even though we all feel like the guy from A Clockwork Orange with his eyelids held open. So just might as well get nice and comfy while they settle in to have some sex. Sexity sex sex. No big.
Ok so basically this scene has been going on for about twice the length of the rest of the film and I’m actually pretty sure we’re watching a real time sexual encounter that has nothing to do with the plot or any of the rest of the movie. Oh, no, my mom just coughed. Is that some kind of a sign? Is she forcing me to acknowledge her presence? Is this her way of reminding me that this is indeed how I came into the world, when she and dad were flapping against each other like two trash bags filled with ricotta cheese? I cannot deal with this shit. I’m getting up. I’m getting the soda. Here I go, I can’t even hear the sound of the character’s zesty lovemaking over my own thirst, I’m getting up.
…And it’s over. Of-fucking-course.
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His laugh is contagious and you hope you catch it. You will find one another’s eyes from across the room when someone alludes to a previous moment in time.
6. If we don’t orgasm, it’s not to spite you.
13. You need to spend time apart, or you will get sick of each other.
I’m terrified that you love me, or even more frightening, love me for real reasons.