Increasingly Inappropriate Ways To End A Conversation At A Party
By Ted Pillow
“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”
“Do you know where the bathroom is?”
“Hey, I’m gonna go grab another drink; I’ll catch up with you later though!”
“Uh, I think I see my friend Wayne over there…better go say hi.”
[Pulling out your cell phone] “Oh, excuse me, I gotta take this.”
[Pulling out your car keys and pretending they are your cell phone] “Oh, excuse me, I gotta take
“Let’s talk politics!” (Also effective: “Well, here’s what I think about campaign finance reform…”)
“Is it just me, or is every new Adam Sandler movie better than the last?”
“What are your passions in life? Tell me all about your passions.” [While pronouncing "passion" oddly and adopting an expectant look]
“I have the GREATEST stories from my college fraternity.”
“You know how they say the book is always better than the movie? Well, what would happen if they turned Robocop into a book? I’m guessing the universe would probably just crap itself, but I’m open to other interpretations.”
“Okay, F-ck Marry Kill: Foucault, Derrida, Barthes.”
“So, did you know [name of person throwing party] before or after he/she was a drug mule?”
“Want to hear some of my Xena: Warrior Princess fan fiction? I’ll keep it PG-13 – maybe.” [While winking]
“Guess what part of my body looks most like Vin Diesel’s head. Go ahead, guess.”
“My therapist says I tend to ‘over-share’…” [While doing something weird with your hands]
“Let’s talk religion!” (Also effective: “I don’t believe in God.”)
[Suddenly] “You’re not my real dad!”
“You know, if you don’t mind giving me your Social Security number, I can hook you up with this great program I’m in where you can get 12 CDs for just 99 cents.”
“If I ask you something, do you promise not to think I’m a narc? Also, it would help if you didn’t know what ‘entrapment’ meant…”
“I bet you can’t guess my fetish.”
“I’m not saying it’s the greatest song of all time or anything, but yeah, I have ‘Bawitdaba’ on my iPod. What’s the big deal? Then again, I also have an STD that I got from a gas station toilet seat, so I guess I’m no expert.”
“Yeah, American Psycho really resonated with me.”
“Hey, is that [insert name of mutual friend who died 5 years ago]?”
“On a scale of 1 to 10, would you rather be racist or gay?”
“Fun fact: What’s the only STD the doctor can diagnosis you with as soon you walk in the office? Trichomoniasis. It’s cause of the smell. Go ahead, ask me how I know.”
“Okay, F-ck Marry Kill… Sigmund Freud Edition: Your mother, your father, some chick who reminds you of your mother.”
“Does this look circumcised to you? What about if I hold it like this… how about now?”
“If parties are a series of fleeting, albeit pleasant gratifications, and if they are designed to distract (rather than call our attention to) the unspeakable banality and meaninglessness of life, than why the f-ck are you still standing here talking to me?”
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I always wanted to give a commencement speech.
By John Howell
My ears listened to what they wanted me to believe.
3. Don’t get mad, get everything.
But I am here to talk about realities, realities that are based on experiences, guy talks (who cares about that?) and late night chats with good female friends of mine.
By Bernie B