I Walk The Line

Jan. 18, 2012

By Ciara Flynn info

She currently lives in DC and dreams of true love and a writing career under her own name.

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My overwhelming thought when I saw Walk the Line, the story of Johnny Cash’s career, his self-destructive lifestyle, and how the love of a good woman saved him, was Women like me do not need to see stories like this. We already can — and have — and do — waste good years of our lives convinced that the sunshine of our love will air out the dusty corners of some man’s soul if we just try harder.

Just do one more thing. One more gesture, grand or small. The perfect witty e-card, a bonus blowjob, give him space, spoon him, buy new panties, plan a trip. Move all the pieces around until you find a way to make them fit, and when the last one falls into place he will look at you with tenderness and affection and together, you can start fantasizing about getting a house in a good school district… or at least making plans for things that occur more than five minutes in the future.

The truth is, some souls are so locked away that they are beyond your most determined reach.

The truth is, if he wants to ____  (see, kiss, comfort, support, love, f-ck, commit to) you, he will.

The truth is, if you get the prize that you’re so desperately fighting for — commitment, a future — the man stays the same. People who don’t have the vocabulary to talk about their feelings don’t learn it overnight. People who can’t muster the empathy to realize that ignoring your birthday might be hurtful aren’t withholding; they just don’t have it to give. Make a thoughtless, distant commitmentphobe your boyfriend and guess what: you’re now in a relationship with a thoughtless, distant commitmentphobe. Good luck with that.

Of course, across the line from your relationship is, perhaps, you alone, watching Cupcake Wars and convincing yourself that a pint of ice cream is an acceptable dinner, forgetting to shave your legs for days at a time. Maybe you don’t want to cross that line, so you walk it instead, arms out for balance.

Neither patch of grass looks particularly green.

You decide that maybe it’s your expectations that are out of whack. Perhaps you’re an unreasonable harpy: who do you think you are to be wounded by days of radio silence, by never meeting his friends or family? Maybe, you reason, his arms are broken — then wouldn’t you feel bad about fuming over an unanswered email! Maybe he has no friends, maybe he is actually an orphan and therefore needs even more love and support! Why are you so selfish?  This is why it hasn’t happened for you yet: you don’t deserve love.

Chip yourself away a little bit more. Perhaps you’ll get down to a size he can tolerate, or perhaps you’ll finally knap off the part of you that cares. TC mark

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image – Shutterstock

This piece originally appeared on HILARITY IN SHOES.

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  • CUinNYC

    The truth is anyone can change. I dusted my apartment for the first time this weekend.

  • guest

    Wow. So true. Praying that there are some exceptions though.

    • http://twitter.com/annie_roo annie

      pray all you want, there are no exceptions

  • Kate

    I lost my virginity to that movie.

    • http://twitter.com/annie_roo annie

      I lost mine to The Craft. Yours is a better story. 

  • Kimberly Boniello

    I have a totally different interpretation.  I think that Walk the Line reinforces the “truth” that you speak of.  There was nothing that Johnny Cash’s wife could do to keep him…he loved June Carter.  He did want to 
    see, kiss, comfort, support, love, f-ck, commit to  June…and he did.  

    • Guestropod

      Yeah, he did… eventually.  Painfully.  After being a total fuckup for years.  She’s talking about June Carter when she talks about the ‘good woman’ whose love saved him, who waited for him to get it together.  

  • Jim

    “thoughtless, distant commitmentphobe.” You got me good on that one. I just always called it being easy-going and indecisive. Do I want to marry you and have kids someday? I can’t promise any of that, but I’ll let you know if and when I do. Just don’t make me answer right this second. Let’s just see where this thing goes and don’t expect me to match every one of your gestures of “love” in the exact same way. Even if they’re less frequent than yours, it’ll be more meaningful if it’s not as contrived to make you feel more secure. Take off some of the pressure and we’ll come around. Good article. It’s always good to get the other side’s perspective.

  • Sophia

    Oh man, this article hit me hard. This is exactly where I am right now. Thanks for laying it all out there (on the line).

  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/contributors/brian-mcelmurry/ Brian M

    I like your writing. This has a Lorrie Moore feel. I read some this morning. It made all business women seem lonely and corruptable.

  • http://twitter.com/SoosSahar Sahar Soos

    I loved this <3 it's so true

  • kgb kgbb

    yeah, guys pretty much suck with communication, and it doesn’t change with age.

  • Anonymous

    counterpoint: emotionally distant men are the best in bed

    • Anda

      Really? Apparently I’m sleeping with the wrong emotionally distant men them…

    • guest

      Shenanigans called. 

      • Anonymous

        don’t shoot the messenger

    • alice

      LOL. No, they’re selfish and insecure in bed.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        you’re fucking all the wrong dudes, then.

    • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

      False. They’re selfish and boring. No, it’s not alright to push my head down, THANKS.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      agreed, sadly.

      the best dudes in bed are the worst men outside of it. 

  • Guest

    i really needed to hear this right now. the birthday part particularly stung bc i’ve been there :(

    • alice

      I ignored a guy’s birthday once whom I was madly in love/hate with. If that changes things for you.

  • Lady

    “Of course, across the line from your relationship is, perhaps, you alone, watching Cupcake Wars and convincing yourself that a pint of ice cream is an acceptable dinner, forgetting to shave your legs for days at a time. Maybe you don’t want to cross that line, so you walk it instead, arms out for balance.”
    Sometimes I feel like a crazy person on this site because of how being single is viewed.  There are so many articles on how terrible it is to be single…but as someone who’s had long term relationship and also been single for long stretches at a time (currently single)…I don’t really see much of a difference in lifestyle.  My life is the same when I’m in a relationship, just with a relationship thrown on top.  But, you know, I still manage to eat dinner and shave my legs either way.  I watch bad television either way because I love it. I go to work and I hang out with friends either way.  I…I don’t understand why what you describe is the opposite of being in a relationship.  Relationships with people you love are great.  They really are.  But, you know, life is still pretty normal when you aren’t in one.  Or I don’t know, maybe I’m doing single wrong.

    • P6u2

      “there are worse things than being alone but it often takes decades to realize this and most often when you do it’s too late and there’s nothing worse than too late” ― Charles Bukowski

    • guest

      I different I noticed between being single and being in an unfulfilled relationship is that I cry a whole lot less and have only slightly less sex. Being single really isn’t the worst case scenario.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=18703891 Natasha Albornoz

    “The truth is, some souls are so locked away that they are beyond your most determined reach.”
    That line…wow. It really echoed with me. The worst part is when you lost part of your own soul trying to help the one who has locked up theirs. On the bright side, you can reclaim your soul when you stop grasping at air looking for a glimmer of hope within the other person.

  • Skinnypignyc

    “perhaps you’ll get down to a size he can tolerate.” perfect. 

  • http://profiles.google.com/summerismyseason Hannah Amante

    “Chip yourself away a little bit more. Perhaps you’ll get down to a size he can tolerate, or perhaps you’ll finally knap off the part of you that cares.”

  • Kim

    My question is, when do you know if he’s crossed the line – whether his detachment is transitory, or an ingrained part of his character? What if the apathy and self-destruction are the result of grief, a response to tragedy, or depression – with only fleeting glimpses of his past-persona to give you hope? 

    When do you give up trying to unlock his once-accessible soul? It fell apart for me and my love sure didn’t save him. I still kick myself for putting up with what I did, feel weak for putting my expectations on hold. That was never who I thought I was, one of “those” women. I don’t want to perpetuate this acceptance, so I try NOT to forgive who he became.  But there is a line, I think. People aren’t just forever one thing, or not. How do you judge what’s human nature and when the line has been crossed for good? 

    People (women) often wax philosophic: ”Beware, he’ll never change.” Conversely: “People change and you won’t be able to do anything about it.” Which one is it? I guess I don’t think you can ever be safe in love.

  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    … why would one even date an emotionally distant man anyway?

    And no, it’s not “mystery” you’re feeling, darling, it’s “projection”.

  • Bri

    thank you so much. thank you.

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