I Don’t Know How To Network

Jan. 27, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

Ryan O’Connell is a 25 year-old writer based in the East Village, New York.

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I don’t know how to network. We’re taught, especially in New York, that it’s an invaluable skill and a necessary evil in order to be successful but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s not that I’m socially inept. On the contrary, I can practically go to any place and chew someone’s ear off, but when it’s under the pretense of networking, I just shut down.

I feel like a used car salesman whenever I try to make contacts. Whenever someone gives me their card within two minutes of meeting me, it’s as if I’ve been fondled inappropriately from underneath the table. I feel silly because I have nothing to give them in return (business cards were made for me months ago but I never picked them up because I can’t bring myself to be on that Patrick Bateman tip) so I just smile politely and make plans for a follow-up, which usually never happens.

How do you network without feeling like you’ve been dipped in a vat of Vaseline and been given a toupee? It never comes off as natural. Everything is forced and clearly done with the intentions of making a contact that will hopefully prove beneficial to you in the future. It’s so thinly-veiled that we might as well just say to someone, “Look, can you advance my career? No? K, GTFO. NEXT!”

I’m bad at faking it. If I like someone, I can be “on” and make instant friends with them but if I get weird vibes, it’s impossible for me to power through it, even if they’re important. I’m sure this puts me at a disadvantage. I barely have any professional contacts as a result of this, but at least I sleep better at night knowing that everyone in my life is there for a valid reason. I don’t have any noise in my social life, no air kisses to give at some silly party.

I don’t mean to shame people who are excellent networkers though. I don’t think they’re all fake and creepy. They just know how to hustle. In fact, there’s a part of me that’s envious of their ability to make connections wherever they go. They’ll undoubtedly have a smoother time making their way up the job ladder than me. But I honestly believe networkers are born, not made. You either have what it takes to give a stranger the chat equivalent of a handjob or you don’t. I don’t. (HJs are tricky anyways…) TC mark

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  • bee

    I am completely the same way. I’m also kind of socially inept, I can be extremely awkward in social situations with new people or acquaintances. It’s simple, it has to do with your insecurity/being overly self-conscious. Advice (I should take my own): fake it til you make it.

  • biteme

    Ugh this, totally. I also hate events where you’re given a nametag with your office’s name on it, so people can look at that first before actually looking at your name and figuring out how useful you’ll be to them. 

  • Anonymous

    It’s a bump you have to get over. I’m kind of good at networking, but that doesn’t mean I like it. It helps if you have someone in your environment who does it for you. Not in the sense of giving out your number to random strangers, but someone who knows a lot of people from different fields. Who can go like: “Have you met [insert name here]? You two should talk!”
     It’s also kinda fake, but then at least you can ‘blame’ it on a third party.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=756887951 Andrea Ignacio

    ENTIRELY agree.. it feels fake, but I envy people who are naturally good at it (or want to be). love/hate. repelled/desire. Great blog, thanks! 

  • http://twitter.com/JDSundeavors James Sanders

    I can definitely relate with this. Getting along and/or connecting professionally is great, but I hate feeling like I’m making someone my consumer or something. Also, even though it’s a great method, I hate suggesting my web presence to someone. It just feels somewhat dismissive. As has been said though, it’s a necessary evil.

  • Anonymous

    Networking is a special kind of absurdity.  

  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/contributors/brian-mcelmurry/ Brian M

    seems you’ve done alright with it. You got this job, right? It took a little bit of networking, and like your speaking gigs at colleges and such. Don’t sell yourself short, you can work it. Not Patrick Bateman style though–san serif, pearl white, water-marked business card of your contemporary making you want to kill!!!

  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    Here’s a tip: 1 good contact/network is 20 times more important than 5 “meh” contacts.  In other words, quality > quantity.

  • MEG

    I mostly can’t get over the “Hi, can we pretend to be friends so that I can use you to further my career?” aspect. It goes against everything I feel about relationships and social interaction.

  • Chris

    Professional contacts are exactly that: professional contacts. There’s a reason they’re not called “friends.” Just be curious about people. There’s nothing disingenuous or fake about being friendly to strangers.  

  • Erin

    You’ve interned at Jezebel and Interview Magazine, right? How could you *not* network? I would kill to have contact with any of those companies. Clearly you did something right.

  • Jenny

    You don’t have to do anything special. Just hang out with people and if you meet someone who has similar work-related interests as you, talk to them about it. I’m a freelance writer and I landed a couple-thousand-dollar job the other day at a French language meetup. Just because I met someone whose work / business / whatever matched up with mine. “Be yourself” is a huge cliche but what eeks people out about networking is being something you’re not. Which you totally don’t have to do.

  • future gopher

    Just introduce yourself first.  It gets rid of that awkward moment where the two of you think of you should shake each other’s hands.  Watch Ari Gold from Entourage.  That man networks like crazy lol.  

  • Sophia

    Networking just seems so absolutely slimy to me. Like, I don’t see any problem with helping out friends, but the idea of getting to know someone for the sole purpose of using them later? That’s an absolute deconsecration of human relationships.

  • Kate

    I understand your point, however, good contacts are in your life for a valid reason.  They may not be who you call for drinks on Saturday, but then again, should they be?   It can be beneficial to separate your private life from your professional.  These relationships are not necessarily the most personal, but still prove very valid and useful.

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee Jamie ❤ ｡◕

    T_____T

  • Anon

    I think that’s the problem — you go in pretending to be friends. Having a professional relationship with someone is completely different than meeting people you’re trying to be friends with. If you go in thinking ‘what do you do professionally and what do I do professionally and how might we be able to mutually help one another out’ it works a lot better. It starts out awkwardly, but in the end it’s just nice to know people, who know other people … It’s not that you’re slimy trying to GET something from someone; it can be fun to meet people, and help them meet other people in your own network that could help them.

    But I guess it also depends on who you’re meeting in what context. I run a small business and meet people all of the time who are happy to network .. if you’re at a party handing out business cards, that’s another thing. But if work comes up, and the other person acts interested, it can’t hurt to give out a card. You never know who might be connected to whom. If there’s no interest from either party, dont’ force it.

  • Luckycharles

    All truth!!! I feel so fake sometimes livin in NYC

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