Husband Material, Volume 11: Ezra Miller
Who is Ezra Miller? Well, aside from a star in the new movie that everyone on Tumblr can’t stop reblogging, The Perks of Being A Wallflower, and someone who gets to be in startlingly close proximity to Emma Watson on a daily basis, he’s pretty much one of the coolest people out there right now. When he’s not acting up a sexy little storm in various cool films, he’s sitting cross-legged on small chairs and giving lovely answers about why he identifies as queer. As someone so clearly comfortable in his own skin — skin he’s not afraid to show in some of his more ~artsy~ photo shoots — he is clearly our new Husband Material.
Name: Ezra Miller, The Human Cheekbone
Occupation: Actor, Artist, Person who no longer needs to brush his hair or maintain basic hygiene to be undeniably attractive in that vaguely sweaty, early-Johnny Depp way.
Description: Coming from a family of elite creatives (father a director at a publishing house, mother a modern dancer), Ezra has done everything from sing at the Metropolitan Opera to wear an absurd poncho that you’re just like… really? but then it kind of works anyway. After his dropping out of high school at age 16, Ezzie Poops launched almost immediately into a career of doing awesome, arty-cred movies and hanging out near the icy-cold aura of Tilda Swinton. Now that he’s moved into blockbusters and the higher profile that comes with, he’s proven to be as open and refreshingly honest about his personal life as he is ready to wear a tuxedo with an unkempt, greasy ponytail.
Benefits to Marriage: Let’s be honest, Ezra looks like he’s constantly got an eighth of seriously good weed in the pouch of his various droopy sweaters. I’m sure you would be kept in fine California Kush for as long as your little heart desires. Also, you’d get to rock the film festival circuit and generally be fawned upon for looking cool and being with other cool people doing cool things.
Drawbacks: Every alt-hottie in the continental U.S. and most of Europe will be clawing out your eyeballs the second you step out the door.
You Must Be: Chill as hell, into indie flicks, able to hang out with Emma Watson without screaming, covered in some sort of protective sheath to prevent you from getting sliced open by his bone structure when you kiss.
The Dowry Ezra Brings: 70 of the village’s sturdiest goats, 200 acres of fertile soil, a collection of silky, Eurotrashy man-scarves that would bring a tear of joy to Russel Brand’s eye.
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Took my own braces off with nail clippers.
…So let’s go there.
It’s 2 A.M. and you find yourself in front of a fast food restaurant. The world spins, your stomach growls, and your heart beats. You’re drunk and hungry.
I could write a whole spiel about my distaste for the great American scam that is the unpaid internship, but I digress.