How You Know You’re About To Have Terrible Sex

Jun. 4, 2012

By Kat George info

Kate George is the Managing Editor at Portable.tv. Lives like Die Hard but with a Katy Perry vibe. Follow her on ...

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Based loosely on completely heteronormative interactions and experiences with male penises.

He says, “I’m a real man, and I can do stuff.”

When that douchebag artist guy on Girls told Marnie he could, “do stuff,” or whatever he said, my vagina sort of shriveled into my body and died for a bit. In my experience, when a guy tells you about his awesome sex skills it’s largely misdirection — he’s distracting you from the bad sex you’re about to have by telling you it’s going to be good. I guess he figures that if he talks confident you’ll just sort of be lying underneath him like, “This is sh-t… But wait, he said it was good so… like… maybe there’s something wrong with me?” Generally I find such “trash talk” to have the exact opposite effect. When expectations are raised so high, it’s much, much easier to be disappointed.

He says, “I’m going to make you cum.”

To me this means, “You will not come. Nor will you enjoy what is about to happen in any way, shape or form. This will actually be one of the worst sexual experiences of your life. I won’t be long though, promise.”

He does rhythmic dry humping.

As soon as a dude turns on The XX and starts dry humping you to the beat of “Crystalized” I suggest you put your top back on and demand he call you a car, even if it is 4 a.m. and you’re really horny. No good can come of this situation.

He has catholic guilt.

Unless you want to lie under a guy that pumps you awkwardly seven times before rolling off and declaring he feels “dirty,” I suggest you steer clear of Uber Catholic boiz 4eva. Although, as a side note to all Uber Catholics reading this (do you lot even read Thought Catalog? Pretty weird if you do because we’re all like, feminist and gay huggers and sluts and vegans and stuff), I am open to being proven wrong.

He’s drunk, but like, really f-cking drunk.

Have you ever been with a guy who was so drunk he passed out during foreplay, with his fingers still inside you? The most unsexy thing on earth is pulling out an alcoholic’s fingers from your vagina like they’re a tampon. And I’m pretty sure no one wants to think of their lover’s fingers as tampons. If you ever end up with this guy, don’t wake him up for sex — that’s the bedroom equivalent of rinse and repeat. TC mark

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image – Noah Kalina

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  • Sabrina

    did anyone else turn on “Crystallized” to figure out how one dry humps to the beat

    • http://juliakatherine.com Julia O

      JUST DID THAT TOO!

      • http://gravatar.com/katgeorge Kat George

        I’m in love with both of you.

    • Jennifer

      Crystalised is actually my go-to sex song, haha

    • Kelsey

      lmao yes

  • John

    LOL

  • silas

    Kat, this is your worst article.

  • V

    Case in point, when I was a freshman in college this pre-med junior took me home (not bad looking but a poor choice nonetheless). We got high on my supply, and eventually started making out…then went the clothes and somewhere between foreplay and the main course I asked bluntly, “do you uhh..know what you’re doing?” to which he quickly pointed to his shelf of medical textbooks and insisted, “I study anatomy, I KNOW where the clit is!”
    That was the moment I knew I was going to have bad sex… as a freshman in sexology at the time I just pity fucked the poor fuck, literally. Older, wiser, I can safely say I’ve developed an automagic reject button for this type. Pretty sure that’s called experience.

  • sdsunshine619

    Ehhh… Brings back so many horrible memories!

  • Lindsay

    dying laughing at “we’re all like, feminist and gay huggers and sluts and vegans and stuff”

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers (@tannnyaya)

    LOL, hilarious.

  • http://abstractmadness.wordpress.com/ Abstract Madness

    I think the guy that says “You have to promise me something, promise me that you won’t fall in love with me” deserves to be added to this list.

    • sara

      ^^I completely agree with this one^^
      ugh! the worst!

    • http://www.facebook.com/black.moon.ghost.girl Moon Temple

      ew omg

  • Taz

    Haha, I love the last point.

  • http://www.facebook.com/hannah.faith.39 Hannah Faith

    Granted I haven’t been with a very high number of guys (5), but my boyfriend, who sometimes feels his abilities in bed are lacking, is actually the best I’ve been with and quite dazzling between the sheets. The other 4 guys, who all seemed very confident in their abilities, were actually quite terrible. Funny how that works.

  • http://www.facebook.com/hannah.faith.39 Hannah Faith

    Granted I haven’t been with a very high number of guys (5), but my boyfriend, who sometimes feels his abilities in bed are lacking, is actually the best I’ve been with and quite dazzling between the sheets. The other 4 guys, who all seemed very confident in their abilities, were actually quite terrible. Funny how that works.

    I was also once finger-banged by a guy after getting drunk at a bar. He told me he was “going to make me cum.” I wish I had something to compare his technique to but all it really was was a lot of aggressive in-and-out motions. I eventually pretended to climax to make it stop, to which he stated “I told you I was going to make you cum.” He was a mistake.

  • http://twitter.com/koviebiakolo Kovie Biakolo (@koviebiakolo)

    Dear Thought Catalog writers,

    For the record, I’m Catholic and for the record I do read articles on this site (daily actually) Why? Because one of the things about being truly Catholic is that one is universal in the sense that before passing judgment on something, we actually take an interest in learning about it. We also like to understand where other people are coming from and what they are thinking (while we do not necessarily agree). So, maybe the joke’s on all the “open-minded” people out there who don’t take the time to actually learn about something before they decide to disagree or worse, hate it.

    p.s. Might do you guys some good to get a different perspective of things once in a while….hint hint (I write) haha!

    • http://twitter.com/AdolphRootbeer Adolph Rootbeer (@AdolphRootbeer)

      We’d all love to read ‘A Catholic’s Guide to Ass-Fingering and Dick-Sword Dueling’ I’m sure.

  • michaelkohhh

    I’m going to make you cum.

  • http://haunted-for-wanting.tumblr.com laurem

    “He has catholic guilt.

    Unless you want to lie under a guy that pumps you awkwardly seven times before rolling off and declaring he feels “dirty,” I suggest you steer clear of Uber Catholic boiz 4eva. Although, as a side note to all Uber Catholics reading this (do you lot even read Thought Catalog? Pretty weird if you do because we’re all like, feminist and gay huggers and sluts and vegans and stuff), I am open to being proven wrong.”

    My lord, thank you, was explaining this to a friend the other day … nothing quite like it …

  • http://gravatar.com/gondelman gondelman

    I refuse to believe that rhythmic dry-humping is a thing!

    • sara

      no, it happens. trusties.

  • sara

    I love everything about this post. especially to the reference to being “feminist and gay huggers and sluts and vegans and stuff” I thought I was the only one!!

  • http://twitter.com/jessgrahamcrckr Jessica Graham (@jessgrahamcrckr)

    Hahaha oh goodness I love this article. From my own personal experience, the guy that announces he’s a virgin before he drunkenly plunges into you is also guaranteeing a bad time.

  • Uppants

    Oh dear. Do NOT fake orgasms with guys who fail at sex. They will continue to suck and will walk around with inflated egos. Never be afraid to say “Nope, not working for me. At all.”

  • leapingsweetly

    Am I the only one who thought that Marnie scene on Girls was ridiculously sexy?

  • Laurissa

    I just wanted to say I’m “uber Catholic” as you put it, and I love this website…because you all have a refreshing and often humourous take on a world that I know little about. And surprisingly…I really enjoy most of these articles, even when I don’t agree with the ideas behind them! Thanks for sharing :)

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