How To Trick People Into Thinking That You Have It All Figured Out

Put all of your shampoos and hand soaps into unmarked dispensers. If you didn’t know already, keeping things in their original packaging is strictly for plebeians and/or derelict drug addicts. It’s time for you to act like a grown up and take the extra five minutes to transfer your lotions and potions into something more innocuous. You won’t regret it. Not only is it a chic presentation, it will also make your friends feel terribly inadequate, which is basically the whole point of maturing anyway.

Whenever a friend informs you that they’re traveling somewhere new, chime in, “Oh yes, I am VERY familiar with Zimbabwe. Remind me and I’ll send you over a list of recommendations. There’s the BEST Thai restaurant there. It’s like a little hut in the back of a Laundromat. Ask for Pepe and mention that you know me. He’ll hook you up!” You’ve never been to Zimbabwe but that’s not really important. What matters is that people know that you’ve been on airplanes and go to things that are off-the-beaten path.

Mention that you have food allergies and/or dietary restrictions. This indicates to people that you have lived a full life and ate a lot. People who don’t have their shit together wouldn’t know that they have something like a gluten allergy because they’re too messed up to notice that they have a stomach ache! They probably don’t even go to the gym either. (Note: You don’t actually have to go to the gym. Just make sure to drop it into casual conversation and occasionally show up to events wearing workout clothes.)

Let people know that used to get wasted but not anymore because, oh my god, you get so sick and you’re too old for that shit anyways. Still, when you go out, it’s important to order a sophisticated cocktail (preferably something with currants) and sip it gingerly. People who have their shit together always have a signature drink. If you’re still flip-flopping between cocktails, you clearly still have a lot of growing up to do and I feel very sorry for you.

Cook! Nothing says “I’m self-actualized, bitch!” than someone who is able to whip up delicious confections using their brain and hands. The only thing I know how to cook up in the kitchen is drama and jealousy, but occasionally I’ll order takeout and ditch the containers to make it seem like I made it myself. (I don’t really do this but Robin Williams did it in Mrs. Doubtfire so it can’t be that uncommon.)

Say “no” to everything. People who are mature are also very hard to get ahold of. Being a grown up is a full-time job and you don’t have the time to just hang out with your friends on a Sunday afternoon and have the time of your life. You’re busy being busy. Please respect that.

Have a baby. Carry St. John’s Wort with you at all times. Invest in expensive eye creams. Scare people. Move to a city where only evolved people live. Go to jazz concerts. Be boring. Iron your clothes. Have steep dry cleaning bills. Only throw parties if it’s to celebrate a mature life decision. Talk slowly. Spend a hundred dollars on a candle. Then throw the candle out the window. Stand on a terrace and say “terra-cotta” three times.

Secretly have no idea what the hell you’re doing but don’t let anyone know just how scared you are. When in doubt, just throw a dinner party. That always keeps the suspicions at bay. 

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