How To Tell If Somebody Has A Crush On You

Someone really likes you if they don’t respond to your texts for 36 hours. They leave you waiting for that “beep beep!” sound on your phone, that hit of oxygen to your lungs, because they just really, really want to date you. Swear it! They like you TOO MUCH to give you an immediate response. That would be way too obvious and they’re taking an unexpected approach. They’re sitting there for a day and a half trying to think of the perfect response to your “Hey! What’s up?” text. Spending so much time and energy! Oh, they got it! They’re going to write you back, “NM. U?” Gosh, nothing says “Get in my pants!” quite like a “NM. U?” text that’s 36 hours late! God bless texting! God bless human connections!

Someone really likes you if they recoil whenever you try to give them a hug. You can see their body stiffen as you move forward but you can’t stop. It’s too late. You have to complete the hug, so you’re stuck embracing what feels like a body of rocks. I know it might seem like this person wants nothing to do with you, but it’s actually the opposite! They like you so much that they can’t handle a hug in public! Their body will quiver in ecstasy at the mere touch of your arms and they’ll start orgasming right there and then! Oh, how dreadfully embarrassing that would be! They just like you TOO much, you see. Remember that the next time someone runs away screaming when you try to touch them, okay?

Someone really likes you if they interrupt you mid-sentence on the first date and say “Oh wow, would you look at the time? I’ve gotta run! I have this thing that I’m late for!” At first, it might seem like they hate your personality and want to get the hell away from you. But no! They’re doing it because they sensed a strong connection and freaked out! They weren’t ready for the awesomeness that is you! Someday they will though. Someday…

Someone really likes you if they put you down constantly. Here, I’ll translate for you. “Get away from me, you psycho freak!” actually means “Get in my bed and let’s have some psycho sex!” “What’s your name again?” means “SAY MY NAME, BITCH!” And last but not least, “I love my boyfriend/girlfriend!” means “I’m so unhappy in my current relationship. Please come save me!” Isn’t it crazy how much everyone lies? Just say what you mean, jeez!

Someone really likes you if they sleep with your best friend. Don’t you know it just means they’re trying to get closer to you? I would suggest going up to them and being like, “I know what you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can be together! You don’t have to sleep with them to get to me. I’m right here, baby!”

Someone really likes you if they fake a case of testicular cancer to get out of having sex with you. Don’t you know that they just want to bond with you? Have a good cry on your shoulder? What a privilege to be the one they confide to! I’m so jealous!

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