How To Survive Any Scary Movie In 20 Simple Steps
1. Don’t Have Sex
It doesn’t matter if you wear multiple condoms or chomp down birth control pills like Skittles — there’s no such thing as safe sex in the world of scary movies. The monsters, killers, ghosts, demons, snakes, etc. always find their way to the naked, climaxing couple and kill them – typically in gruesome fashion. (Horror film sex is especially risky when done outdoors.)
2. Invest In An iPod Or CD player.
Anyone in possession of a record player is destined for some type of terrifying encounter involving their These records generally carry old, eerie melodies and will begin to skip or generate some type of freaky occurrence to fit the tune.
3. Don’t Split Up
If some jackass suggests this, apply a generously forceful open hand to that person’s stupid face. If you comply with such an idiotic proposal you’ll be picked off one by one, instead of playing (and winning) a numbers game against the antagonist.
4. Peepholes = Off Limits
You know that peephole on the door? Don’t look through that sh-t, ever. Nothing good is on the other side, I promise.
5. When It Gets Quiet, Avoid Walls & Doors
You know how after being chased and hiding it’s silent? Well don’t put your ear next to the wall to listen for the enemy or rest your head. A knife, ax, or some other sharp weapon will come chopping through at any second.
6. The Originals ARE ALWAYS CRAZIER
Pray that you aren’t in the foreign original version of a horror film because it’ll be significantly scarier. American versions often sacrifice some story or terror for expensive special effects.
7. On Tripping
If you trip and fall don’t remain in that seated position, holding your ankle, whining about your knee scrapes or doing the ‘sssss ahhhh’ thing. The butt-hand-scoot away method isn’t fast enough to escape their strides toward you either. Attempt to stand back up on two feet and run, because you know, that’s like logical and stuff.
8. Noisy Hiders
If you’re hiding and there’s a hysterical person with you making too much noise, punch them in the face until they’re quiet or unconscious. Seriously, there’s no noisy whining or terrified moaning allowed when hiding from a killer.
9. When You Hear Strange Sounds
It wasn’t “just the wind.” Don’t let anyone convince you to ignore those noises, they are definitely something bad. But by the same token, don’t try to be a hero and take matters into your own hands.
10. New Resident Protocol
Weird sh-t happening at a house that you just moved into means you should probably bounce. Not probably, definitely. Remember, there are many places to live but only one soul of your own. And if it gets possessed, you’re going to look pale, have bags under your eyes and become all angry and junk.
11. Kids, Twins And The Elderly
Always be skeptical of kids, twins and old people. Don’t profile or discriminate, but treat them as if they’re surrounded by yellow ‘caution’ tape.
12. Knock, Knock
It’s nighttime. Someone knocks at your door. You know you didn’t plan on having guests, what should you do? I’ll tell you what, ANYTHING BUT OPEN THE DOOR. Make pancakes, repaint the living room, pour baked beans on your television, whatever tickles your fancy as long as you aren’t turning knobs and opening doors.
13. All Eyes Are On You
If you’re isolated but it feels like somebody’s watching you, then somebody is. Don’t gaze around scared, doing a panicked, panoramic scan of your surroundings. Move your ass and run towards civilization.
14. Put Away The Magnifying Glass
You don’t investigate. In fact, remove the word “investigate” from your vocabulary. You’re not a detective. Not even a poor man’s Gil Grissom, so don’t go searching for answers. If what you’re curious about can’t be Google’d – don’t freakin’ bother, Holmes – it’s probably got an answer you’d rather not see or feel.
If you enter a room with flickering fluorescent lights: Stop, turn around and walk in the opposite direction. Matter of fact, a mild jog in the opposite direction is more appropriate.
16. More Lights!
If weird, supernatural sh-t that you have no control of is happening, turn on a lamp and sleep with the light on. Have you ever seen ghosts pull a person’s blanket off in broad daylight or a fully lit room? Absolutely not. Lamps are a ghost’s kryptonite.
Don’t let anyone bring a night vision capable camcorder around. Otherwise I can forecast a paranormal sh-t storm headed right your way. Something about that greenish, Paris Hilton sex-tape night vision mode brings out the ghouls.
18. Take ACTION!
You’re in a position where you may have to kill a stranger for some reason. Should you do it? Yes. Absolutely. I mean you can’t risk your own life. This doesn’t just go for strangers but acquaintances too. And anyone who isn’t family. Scratch that. Also take out family members who you don’t care for. Like that non-blood related Aunt who is condescending towards your Mom at family gatherings? She can get the boot. In zombie situations feel free to kill anybody who has turned — even babies.
19. Please Face Forward
If you’re in a room and a figure is seated with their back to you, turn toward the nearest exit and haul ass towards it. Even if you think you recognize the back of that head, don’t engage. Because when he/she/it turns around, the eyes will be rolled in the back of the head or the face distorted in some manner that will not be pleasant to look at.
20. Kill The Bad Guy, Then Kill HIm Again
The initial shot, stab, punch, kick, etc. DID NOT kill your enemy. Don’t let up and don’t get close to them, because they’ve got one last wide-eyed, tight gripped attack before they’ll completely be down for the count.
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I always wanted to give a commencement speech.
My ears listened to what they wanted me to believe.
3. Don’t get mad, get everything.
But I am here to talk about realities, realities that are based on experiences, guy talks (who cares about that?) and late night chats with good female friends of mine.