How To Be Depressed

Jun. 5, 2012

By January Nelson info

January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, ...

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Stare at the ceiling. Think of nothing. It’s the middle of the afternoon, and the gray clouds drifting across the sky seem more alive than you, your chest filling itself, emptying itself. It’s the middle of the night, and there are no stars, you are wide awake beneath closed eyes, trying to block out the darkness. It’s the middle of the dawn, and you think that maybe the sun won’t come out today, not fully, you can’t remember the last truly sunny day. The time doesn’t matter. It’s always the middle, because you can’t remember when it began. You can’t remember the last time you felt happy. You can’t remember feeling anything, can’t imagine you could ever feel anything. It’s always the middle, because you haven’t reached the end.

Quietly contemplate death. Stare at the objects in the room, pretend you’re studying them. Hide your true thoughts as if someone were watching you. Glance at the topic of suicide indirectly, in brief spurts, as if someone were listening. Around others, avoid speaking altogether, afraid of the taboo thoughts seeping out uncontrollably, like a child who has soiled himself. Avoid eye contact — it is often more telling than words. Avoid all contact. Realize that human beings are inherently self-absorbed, selfish, everyone is too wrapped up in themselves. No one cares about you. You don’t care about them.

Your phone rings and you let it. You haven’t checked your voicemail in weeks — something about having to listen to the voices, the empty chatter, the note of concern — it requires too much energy, too much effort. Reading text messages saps you of any energy you might have to respond to them. You’re not ignoring people, you just can’t answer them. The less you respond, the less they ask, the less they try. Eventually they stop trying. This makes things easier for you, it gives you more time to dwell, to get lost in the hollows of your mind. Tell yourself it’s all right to lie down so much, you need the rest. You’re always exhausted.

Don’t eat. More than your faults, more than your inadequacies, more than your regrets, hate your body. Hate your face, hate your skin, hate your very bones, as it becomes obvious that they are supporting you. Whenever you eat, the food drops into your stomach and settles like a tumor, more substantial than your entire body, it weighs you down and you feel so full you’re almost sick. Almost. Nothing is wrong with you, you’re just tired, you tell others. Nothing is wrong with you, so you wonder what’s wrong with you.

You’re not sad all the time. You catch yourself laughing with friends, spending time with them and enjoying yourself. You catch up on work. You fold your laundry. Most of the time, you’re fine. Until you’re not. The dullness leeches all your vitality and again you wither, shrivel, lie. In bed you stare at the ceiling, wonder how dust can float without wind, without air. It must be the same force that raises your lungs, fighting with gravity which pushes them back down.

You’ve read about depression. You know you probably have it, but you don’t believe in it. Not enough serotonin, they say, you have a deficiency. You’re broken. Maybe meds would fix you but most of the time you’re fine. You can handle it, you tell yourself. You’re fine, except when you’re not. You stare at the clouds. You eat green vegetables. You exercise. You do everything right, you try so hard to have things be all right. Watch the horizon for any signs of danger, of trouble sleeping, of too much sleep, of silence. Interrogate yourself when you slip up — what have you been eating are you getting out enough get up and do something — and force yourself to be happy. Seek out people. Do your work. Clean up your room, clean up your act. Sometimes this works. Most of the time, you’re fine. TC mark

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image – Yury Prokopenko

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  • Haley

    wow.

  • http://gravatar.com/breadncircuses breadncircuses

    “Most of the time, you’re fine. Until you’re not.”

    so true. great entry!

  • Sunny

    This is gold.

  • hrfe

    “Most of the time, you’re fine. Until you’re not.”

    This, to me, is perfect. My depression is not the same as your depression, but this is the same. Because it isn’t all the time, and that somehow makes it harder.

  • staleness

    Dude. :(

  • yasmin

    this insults me. overcoming such a state, i think you’ve downgraded the whole experience to a #whitegirlproblem.

    • Sophie

      i agree.

    • hrfe

      How is someone describing their personal experience insulting to you? It is written in the second person, but it is actually just her story.

    • http://fusedephemera.wordpress.com dlw43

      So everybody who writes about depression has to portray it a certain, specific way? How is that logical if it exists in varying degrees in various people–and varying degrees in the same person at different times? Like everything else in life, your mileage may vary. The author’s experience insults no one.

    • May

      So if I feel this describes me, I guess I’m not really depressed, just whiny from all my priviledge? Ah, damn – even at being fucking depressed I’m not good enough! Now that’s something to be suicidal about. Thanks!

    • http://twitter.com/bromophobic sexular

      wow, okay so THIS insults me a fuck ton. apparently, a. this article is race-specific. b. depression in itself is not a ‘real’ problem. c. white girls can’t/don’t have ‘real’ problems.

      I’m a ‘white girl’, and yes, I related to this article immensely, but I also suffer from depression as a result of a chronic, life-threatening genetic disorder. but, you know, I guess my personal experiences with depression are just #whitegirlproblems and obviously not valid.
      this article did not even directly identify any of the sources of her depression, only how she lives with it. how can you tell that her experiences are ~trivial~ compared to your own? besides that, you do realize that some people are, unfortunately, inherently depressed, right? even though there is no ‘legitimate’ source for their depression (e.g. facing racism, which I recognize is very real, and I am in NO way trying to insinuate that what you’re saying is ‘reverse racism’ or anything like that–there’s no such thing), their experiences are still valid. be fucking grateful you were able to get past your depression when others are not so lucky.

      do you realize in saying this you’re demeaning someone who was made herself very open and vulnerable by detailing her own personal experiences with a disorder that usually comes with low self-esteem as a symptom? I do not understand why anyone would want to invalidate someone else’s experiences with something so awful. you’re really not a special little snowflake or the only one with real problems, princess.

  • Maja

    Thanks for describing me almost to perfection! Though it doesn’t make me feel better. Until I am.

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/how-to-be-depressed/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] Thought Catalog » Life Add a comment [...]

  • Sam Monserrate

    Wow. This is the 3rd article i read in TC about depression. I’m a generally jolly person, however ever since my first boyfriend broke up with me last year, most often, my thoughts eat me up alive. It’s been almost a year. I try to battle my depressive episodes until now but sometimes, I’m not successful in doing so. I was a total wreck last year. Lost my friends, my fuel to pursue anything etc. I emphatize with those with similar situations like this. But, Thought Catalog, Maybe you can try empowering your readers as well. I believe writers here, if broken and is going trough something, is much capable of overcoming their ordeal as well. I’m not saying they should write something when they’re totally okay, But maybe while they’re trying to help themselves, us readers who are foing through something hard can encourage him/her and each other too.

    just a thought.

  • camcam

    Wow. Thanks for this.

  • sarah

    spot on

  • Lindsay

    wow. great job.

  • Lynn

    U totally described my situation. But i never thought I am depressed. How is this possible? Am I depressed??

  • Ailyn

    This is exactly how my life goes. Telling myself that I’m okay, then suddenly it hits me, I’m not okay.

  • Guest

    GO MAKE YOURSELF OKAY ALL THE TIME.

    Therapists don’t exist because “human beings are inherently self-absorbed, selfish, everyone is too wrapped up in themselves. No one cares about you.”

    You know you have a problem, so why not try to fix it? Do you like the times you aren’t okay? Do you like the times when you are obviously depressed? I don’t understand.

    • hrfe

      You make it sound easy. It is not easy. Because you are fine, and you don’t need to do anything when you’re fine, but then you’re not fine. People can be in treatment for years and not be okay all the time. It is not easy.

    • Angela

      You don’t know what it is until you go through it and come out of it. I like her description because the lines and lines she uses to describe the nothing that you feel or do is an accurate representation of the energy sapped by nothing at all when you are depressed. It uses up your cognitive energies, and you don’t think you need to go get help and it wouldn’t occur to me how to do that without help, not really. Your mindset is not normal, not healthy when you’re depressed, and I didn’t recognize it for what it was until after I was better, whenever and whatever that is.

  • malkie

    godammit!

    That, and the constant feeling that you’re detached from everything that’s going on around you. You know you should care, but it’s too much right now.

  • http://www.reverbnation,com/tkproject Theadora

    The Sun’s Gonna Shine Today – By The Theadora Kelly Project. I wrote this song specifically for times like this. Enjoy! http://soundcloud.com/theadorakelly/the-suns-gonna-shine-today-1

  • Angela

    No one has the corner market on depression. It’s obviously not a “white girl” problem if it is a valid medical (psychiatric) condition. I didn’t see one thing in here that made it specific to girls, a race/ethnicity, or to anyone in particular.

  • Elliott

    I’ve been coming to this website for years, I check it more than my e-mail. I’ve had a lot of eye-opening moments reading here but this article is the first I’ve posted on. I couldn’t have written any of this better. I tried to write about my 3 days in a psych ward but it was so personal and weird I felt embarrassed sharing it. this is the way I felt for so long before meds/therapy/major life changes. Clutch.

  • -Devjock

    Unsettlingly accurate. Thanks for the heads up, I’ma call some friends, get shitfaced, and tell them I’m fubar in the head. Seriously, thank you!

  • FallingAlive

    You wake up in the middle of the night, it’s too hot, too cold. You don’t know. Maybe you’re hungry. Why’s there so much you’ve got to worry about? When are you hanging out with your friends? They’re busy? Oh, that’s right. So you just lay there, thinking about nothing. Your brain thinks it’s the perfect time, and you’ve got no say in it.
    And it creeps up into your head, you don’t fight it, before you know it you’re crying for no reason. Couple hours later you actually get out of bed and look in the mirror. Clean face, bright smile.
    Are you okay?
    Yeah. Just peachy.

    .__.

  • veladelta

    probably one of the best things i’ve ever read. it scares me.

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-terrible-video-games-i-loved-as-a-child/ 5 Terrible Video Games I Loved As A Child | Thought Catalog

    [...] who agreed to play. Eventually, my high school placed me into the mentor program to prevent further depression/instability/blogging, but now we’re getting off [...]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/09/5-terrible-video-games-i-loved-as-a-child/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] who agreed to play. Eventually, my high school placed me into the mentor program to prevent further depression/instability/blogging, but now we’re getting off [...]

  • http://computergamestips.info/computer-games-tips/5-terrible-video-games-i-loved-as-a-child-thought-catalog/ Computer Games Tips » Blog Archive » 5 Terrible Video Games I Loved As A Child | Thought Catalog

    [...] who agreed to play. Eventually, my high school placed me into the mentor program to prevent further depression/instability/blogging, but now we’re getting off [...]

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