How 90s Toys Prepared Us For 2012
1. Don’t Get Rattled
Did you manage to survive your relatives’ dinner table of rudimentary principles and baseless political seesawing this Thanksgiving? Maybe it’s because you’ve finally managed to recognize the ways that humankind’s long and peculiar history of recurring motifs has imprinted itself onto You. And how exactly did you arrive at this point of unthought? Because 90s Santa knew that you had what it takes to overcome the threats of violence from a corrupt, gluttonous snake with a bad attitude! A child of the 90s isn’t afraid to respond to totalitarian brutality or tenuous arguments. (Even if that means redistributing that snake’s wrongfully accrued wealth via tiny plastic pickaxe.) What’s that? You’re caught in the conceptualized disease that ‘is’ a political binary? Don’t get rattled!
2. Eat at Ralph’s
Sometimes all it takes is a disgusting anthropomorphic billboard to teach children about the ups and pounds of fast food. For Ralph, quantity sadly always came before quality — and 90s Santa wasn’t about to just stand by watching impressionable youths gamble with their bodies. 90s Santa sent those impressionable youths out to the diner to gamble with Ralph’s body instead — and a long-time player of the game kindly contributed the following statement: “Every time I rolled that die… every time I forced in, say, a ninety-nine cent taco or a couple slices of pizza… I could hear it all. I could hear it all before it even happened. Ralph’s agglutinating vomit pushing its way out of that billboard. The long slapping-noise. The asphalt ground below. Over and over again. That long slapping-noise. A stretch of road matted with shards of moist ground beef and steaming, jagged hot dog. A mozzarella web of slime collecting near a deer carcass…”
3. Dr. Dreadful’s Radioactive Food / Drink Lab
You know what’s great about the combination of radioactive by-product, cannibalistic themes, and children’s toys? Pretending to be a mad professor is probably way more fun than having concerns of an adult nature. Who doesn’t want to munch on some frothy blue raspberry brains? Everyone deserves a period of risk and unreason — especially children! It does wonders for an imagination. Though, gender indoctrination isn’t helping to broaden a child’s imaginative space. And Santa hasn’t done very much to help alleviate this problem. Some kids will want to play with a Dr. Dreadful Radioactive Food Lab. Some kids will want to play with an Easy Bake Oven. Children should be allowed to play with the toy of their choosing. Capitalism’s graphs and pie charts should be no deciding factor.
4. It from the Pit
Wow. I vaguely remember my parents being resistant to this one. Maybe because the front of the box looked kind of intense? Regardless, 90s Santa eventually came through.
This game was the ‘documentary realism’ of 90s board games. Description: players move in a circular path hoping to obtain an unspecified “treasure” as a massive, motorized hand arbitrarily drags active game pieces into its void-like bog. Some claim your only strategy is “to wait.” Others claim your only strategy is “to hope.” Some will respond by attempting to deconstruct Platonism. Some will overlook how susceptible a human being is to a singular mode of philosophical inauguration. Some will simply become “existentialist philosophers” seeking an available campus classroom space to host weekly slam poetry readings.
The important thing here is: 90s Santa prompted us to make sense of our complex surroundings and/or trappings. (Choose your poison?)
5. Nickelodeon Gak
THIS ISN’T PLAY-DOH. PLAY-DOH IS A MEAGER SUBSTANCE COMPARED TO THIS HEAP OF EFFERVESCENT MONSTROSITY. THIS DANK-ASS SHIT HERE IS GAK. I’M JUST COVERED IN THIS SHIT AND IT IS EVERYWHERE—IN EVERY CREVICE BETWEEN EVERY GROOVE DRIPPING FROM MY FINGERS AND BUILDING WINDOWS AND ROOM CEILING I’M MAKING FART NOISES WITH IT BETWEEN MY ARMPITS RIGHT NOW I’M JUMPROPING WITH IT AND HANG IT FROM YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE A PRIZED PAINTING AND SOMEONE IS LIKE “BUT YOU CAN MAKE THINGS WITH PLAY-DOH AND YOU CAN SHAPE PLAY-DOH LIKE CLAY” AND I’M YELLING BACK ON MY TIPPY TOES “THAT SOUNDS BORING!!!! I DON’T CARE, I LIKE THE WAY THIS SWELLS WITH ME!!!! I LIKE THE WAY THIS GAK FITS INSIDE MY SMILE!!! IT JUST CREEPS THE RIGHT WAY!!!! LOOK AT ALL THE COLORS AND THE BUBBLES!!! I AM A THROBBING MEGAPHONE COVERED IN SNOT-CONFETTI WHEN I AM PLAYING WITH MY GAK!!!!!!”
6. Monster Face
“The possibility of madness is therefore implicit in the very phenomenon of passion.”
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i inhaled deeply. your scent, your deodorant, your cologne, even your morning breath. i know these scents so well and the familiarity is comforting.
This video of a puppy watching a scene we’re so familiar with and evoking the same sentiments we once felt is oddly heartwarming, extremely precious and a dash of funny.
You died, and the hope that you would one day love us back the way we loved you died with you.
Weight Watchers likes to say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Which I guess means they’ve never tasted Cinnamon Toast Crunch.