Generic Things Everyone Does When Falling In Love
Agonizing over ending things with whatstheirname… before they’ve even started.
Classic move. You know you’re about to go on an emotional roller coaster ride with this person, and you know what? Roller coasters are scary. I didn’t set foot on one until I was 15 and trying to impress my first boyfriend. So you’re obviously going to try and come up with a million reasons why it’s not going to work out between the two of you… and fail.
Checking your horoscope compatibility.
Dude, please. There’s nothing that tells you you’re actually in love like a good horoscope match. You can’t mess with the universe. It lets you continue on in your delusion that you two were just meant to be. And yes, I know you’ve read it over and over again.
Looking at whatstheirface’s Facebook profile pictures a million times.
You already know they’re attractive, but you just want to remind yourself HOW attractive your new-found soul mate is. You also tell yourself that their choice of Facebook profile pictures gives you intimate insight into their integrity and emotional maturity and artistic sensibilities. Stuff that only you would notice. It’s like reading the tea leaves of their inner workings. See, look, he puts a lot of photos up of him and his friends… he’s loyal and warm and I can probably hook my best friend up with his best friend.
That, and they’re just soooo much fun to look at.
Trying out your last names together.
I know, I know, we live in a post-modern world where strong, independent women don’t necessarily take their husband’s last names. Doesn’t mean you’re not testing out every hyphenated/mixed-up/initialed/made-up version of your two monikers. And no, none of them sound as good as you think they do.
Crawling into a lovenest for 24/48/72 hours. Or longer.
Your best friend thinks you’re dead? Your mom has called 47 times? You’re not sure what day or time it is? Your budding business has gone bankrupt? Whatever, you just rolled around in bed and made breakfast at 2 p.m. and then watched some dumb movie and made out a lot and then got dressed in their sweatpants and went to get Chinese food and then rolled around in bed some more. What on earth could be more important than that?
Attempting to get your friends to like him/her.
You know how annoying it usually is to have someone constantly talk about the person they’re dating. But YOUR person is different. They’re sweet and cool and sooo funny and intelligent and just a quality human being. And you want to be sure your friends know all of this so that they can be as obsessed with whatstheirname as you are… in a non-sexual way, of course.
Constantly checking your phone for texts.
Okay, maybe you do that already. But now you might actually have some exciting content on your shattered iPhone other than “Can you pick up toilet paper?!” or “I’m here… no rush.” Something like “I wish you were with me right now so badly” or a semi-naked picture of whatstheirname. Y’know, the good stuff.
Filling pages and pages of your journal with stuff about them.
So what, you paid 50 bucks for that leather-bound diary? They’re worth every dead tree. The way they eat grilled cheese; how their lips feel at different hours of the day; the way they make you want to drop out of life just to be with them all the time, or make it big so that you can take care of them and give them everything they’ve ever wanted. It’s all pure poetry, as far as you’re concerned.
Staying up all night.
Nothing is as big a sleep depriver as new love. All the sudden, you’re pumped to do all of the things in bed you’ve already done with strangers you’ve met at bars over and over again, because this person is LEGITIMATELY AWESOME. You hear Aerosmith crooning “And I don’t wannnnnna misss a thannnnngggg” as you gaze down at your snoring new mate, and you feel you finally understand the meaning of both music and the universe (see #2).
Talking on the phone for hours, without really saying anything.
You both know you exhausted your four-hour conversation, like, 20 minutes ago. But you just love listening to each other sigh and cough and wiggle around under the covers. There’s even a slim chance you guys might have phone sex. So of course, you’ve been fighting over who is going to hang up first… and OMG, it’s like your first real fight. NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST. I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH TO HANG UP FIRST AND YOU KNOW IT.
Here’s the thing about your new love: it’s either going to end at some point, or it’s going to last the rest of your life until one of you dies. Either way, you should probably hang up the phone. Your mom is wondering where you are.
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When your audience is this big, how can you really “know” it?
Metaphorically or literally, you will be hungry. Hungry for something to do, somewhere to go, some point to getting up in the morning.
It is so much more simple to say, “Stop caring what a man thinks, ladies, you’re beautiful as you are,” than to address all of the myriad reasons why that likely doesn’t apply to her.
These discourses, these models of life, are insidious, egregious, and soul crushing.