Forgetting How To Love Someone

Aug. 13, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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You can forget how to love someone. I’m almost sure of it. It’s a skill like anything else, right? If left unattended, it withers, it dies, it gets forgotten.

I’m forgetting what it feels like to really love someone or maybe I’ve already forgotten. It could be too late. I could be faced with something great, someone great, and not know the first thing to do with it.

Do I put my arm around you like this? Do we spend every night together? Do we move in after two years? What are the rules? You have to teach me. I’m a spring chicken. When everyone else was getting into relationships and learning how to be a great partner, I was working or laying in bed or running away from the possibility of meeting someone because I was scared, because I wouldn’t sacrifice anything, because the concept of sharing my day-to-day life with someone else left me trembling, even though it’s what I wanted.

A dry spell can quickly turn into tumbleweeds. A few months can turn into a few years. Time is always screwing you up like that. It’s always reminding you that, contrary to what you might think, you’re not calling the shots. Time is. Time dictates everything and it can either kill something or make it grow.

Things have already changed. They’ve been changing and I’ve just been too frightened to acknowledge it. Just be nostalgic, just think about a day that’s not today, and you’ll be fine. You won’t have to move forward. That’s how it works, right? If I don’t pay attention to what’s happening right now, if I choose to focus on the stuff that’s already happened, I’m freezing time.

Right?

Wrong. It’s this kind of thinking that has led me here, that has caused me to forget the most valuable skill of all and be writing this stupid thing in the first place. I’m not sure what it is that I want. A boyfriend who can reteach me what it feels like to be cared for, to be protected. A boyfriend who can teach me how to not be so terrified of everything. The irony is that I’m an intimate person. I thrive off intimacy. But in the past few years, something has shifted to the point where I’m just frightened of human connection. It’s the one thing I crave the most but it’s also the main thing I run away from.

Here are two things I know how to do: Be someone’s friend and work. All of my brain power goes to those two things and it’s like there’s no room left for anything else. My best friend is the opposite. She knows how to be in relationships but struggles with work. It makes me think that every person has their deficit. Mine just pertains to love. For some reason, it’s more mortifying than any other deficit. It’s the most shameful. TC Mark

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  • Danica

    What a waste of bandwidth. :/

    • Josh

      Amen sister.

  • Brynvincible

    “The irony is that I’m an intimate person. I thrive off intimacy. But in the past few years, something has shifted to the point where I’m just frightened of human connection. It’s the one thing I crave the most but it’s also the main thing I run away from.”

    Ditto, Ryry. A current dilemma of mine as well! We’ll be okay.

  • Megs

    This. All of it. I’m in the same boat as you, Ryan. And it terrifies me.

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/08/forgetting-how-to-love-someone-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment [...]

  • guest

    I feel like I know how to be in a relationship, but I forgot how to truly love. At least I don’t know how to love like I used to. Cynicism is the worst.

  • http://twitter.com/JessicusFinch Jess (@JessicusFinch)

    As far as loving someone goes, you feel it, and do it in whatever way makes sense and feels right. Everything else will happen naturally. Don’t stress so much :)

  • H

    Is this worse, or better, than having never loved anyone? And having literally no idea how to do so?

  • Anon

    Most of the time, I begin reading Thought Catalog without looking at the author (I save it for last to avoid any pre-judgments regarding gender.) Most of the time, I catch myself reading a piece that I so frightingly relate to, that I know Ryan wrote it. Every time I glance up to read your name under the title I am reassured that I, like anyone else, am not alone in this world. This might be one of my favorites of yours, as I feel the exact same way about my fear of loving another person with all that I have. And for that Ryan, a million thanks to you .

    • ktinie

      Agreed, whole-heartedly.

  • Bernard

    I’m an honorary member of the “as long as you’re aware of your own bullshit you’ll be able to get past it” – school of thought.

    You’ll make a connection when you need to make a connection. If you have to wait a long while for it….there are always other (lesser) ways to get your human intimate connection rocks off.

  • http://shaktiandshanti.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/forgetting-how/ Forgetting How … « shaktiandshanti
  • Elizabeth

    The age old question: why is it that, even with a life consisting of great friends and fulfilling work, we feel so utterly incomplete without someone who intimately loves us?

    I feel you, Ry.

  • http://twitter.com/KenaiMcFadden Kenai Iman McFadden (@KenaiMcFadden)

    is it bad that i read the title, read that it was by Ryan, and cried out “Ahhh, it’s by Ryan! Bookmarked!” while by myself in my apt. I haven’t even read the article yet.

  • http://gravatar.com/nishantjn nishantjn

    Lots of random sex (as advocated by your other articles) just coz you’re in your 20s is another way of forgetting how to love someone. You pick what happens to you, man.

  • http://www.facebook.com/summer.gillen Summer Gillen

    If you never learned, it’s just as hard as forgetting. Le sigh. Love your stuff, Ry.

  • 26yearold

    “I’m not sure what it is that I want. A boyfriend who can reteach me what it feels like to be cared for, to be protected. A boyfriend who can teach me how to not be so terrified of everything. The irony is that I’m an intimate person. I thrive off intimacy. But in the past few years, something has shifted to the point where I’m just frightened of human connection. It’s the one thing I crave the most but it’s also the main thing I run away from.”

    ^ This. Me too. I think this same thought quite frequently. Especially the last sentence of the paragraph. I am so neurotic it hurts.

  • katherine

    Thank you for writing this..I’m in the same boat and it’s awful!

  • http://crumpledcones.wordpress.com thegoldparachute

    Reblogged this on wanderlust and commented:
    Absolutely.

  • Krisss

    Reblogged this on that multi-tasker. rar. and commented:
    Three years have passed and this is how I feel. During these 3 years, guys come and go and these relationships are nothing serious. Sometimes I wonder what the hell could be wrong with me, until I came across this writings. I always like someone, I miss someone but I’ve forgotten what it feels like to love someone. Will I ever get to experience that again? I remember it was the most beautiful feeling in the world especially you know that you’re loved back. Honestly, I pray hard everyday every night that I will experience love again.

  • shmolls

    Thiiissss!!! This is so well done and relatable and faith-in-humanity-inspiring.

    I like this part: Do I put my arm around you like this? Do we spend every night together? Do we move in after two years? What are the rules? You have to teach me. I’m a spring chicken.

    But not to worry, if you’re a good friend you definitely know how to love

  • http://twitter.com/alainalatona alainalatona (@alainalatona)

    I feel this. I am starting to wonder if I am jaded or truly a void. Or both.

  • Monica MKC

    This has been bugging my mind. Most of everything you write’s been bugging my mind before I even read it. Anyway, all I can say is I can’t accept being unable to love so I’m going against nature and stopping my mind from thinking negatively.

  • AA07

    Wow. This is like reading my mind. So perfectly said.

  • http://duskromance.wordpress.com Richelle-Joy Chia
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