Flakes Of The World: Please Get It Together

Jan. 18, 2012

By Chelsea Fagan info

Chelsea Fagan is a writer living in Paris. It's less pretentious than it sounds.

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We all have that one friend (or maybe several, let’s be honest) who is about as reliable as an alarm clock you can easily throw across the room. You invite them somewhere, plans are made, you prepare, you wait, and lo and behold — forty five minutes before you are supposed to meet them — they cancel. Car broke down, not feeling well, smoked too much weed, didn’t smoke enough weed, can’t deal with the sun, just ate an entire box of Cheez-Its and are not ready emotionally, the reasons are manyfold. What’s important is that they are not going to show up, and you will, once again, be stuck wondering why you have such an enormous flake for a friend.

What’s sad about these people is that they’re often so cool. When they do show up (when the royal “we” deigns you worthy of its presence), it’s amazing and incredibly fun. They can often be the life of the party, extremely fascinating, or just generally capable of holding a conversation that doesn’t center around last night’s episode of Whitney. So, like the glutton for punishment that you are deep down, you continue to make plans that you know are likely never going to see fruition. You continue to invite them to events on Facebook, knowing full well that even if they manage to click “maybe,” they’re likely going to show up three hours late at best. They are already clicking “maybe” on the Facebook event of life, actually inviting them to something on social media seems a bit redundant.

And these people are often the same ones who seem to operate on the most impossible of schedules. A lunch date is just far too much pressure, but they will happily text you at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday with an extremely vague question, like “what are you up to?” (Honestly, what do they expect us to say? “Oh, you know, just tending to my prize Alpaca flock — it’s shearing season soon and I want to get a good price for their coats at market.” Um, we’re sleeping, you enormous creeps.) There is absolutely no concept of time or society with these people — we’re all just formless blobs, drifting through our existence, waiting to get a phone call and go to a concert with 15 minutes’ notice.

But the truth is, flakes of the world, life does not work that way. It’s really cool when you make plans with someone and are relatively sure that they’re actually going to show up. It’s nice to be able to plan for the future — the near future, let’s not get carried away. How awesome would it be if we could just expect you to come to our parties on time, and maybe even bring a bottle of something decent? Extremely awesome. It’s not that you’re not awesome — it’s just that no one is worth all the absurdity you make us put up with. TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1690980049 Uchenna Anyiam

    True story

  • hzang

    obsessed with this. so much.

  • CUinNYC

    We’ll think about it Chelsea.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1147860061 Brandon Buchanan

    guilty of being a flake. Whoopsies.

  • http://twitter.com/VAMPARS Smokey Problemson

    As someone with acute social anxiety but who often displays “life of the party”-esque qualities, I am guilty of this sometimes. I’ve learned how to say “no” when I truly don’t feel up to something to cut down on flaky episodes, but I feel the need to come out in my former flake self’s defense.

    Being expected to be a lot of fun every time you go out can be incredibly daunting. For anxious types like me with fluctuating levels of self-esteem, the prospect of going out and being a bummer or ruining the vibe or seeming not to enjoy oneself can be terrifying.

    For someone with social or general anxiety, the “noise” of the world and of socializing (and yes, 99% of this noise is actually in my head, that’s the condition) can feel excruciating and oppressive. Sometimes I really want to go out, but the prospect of entering a crowded social space where every outfit I see is an indictment on my own and every glance in my direction feels like an attack on everything I’ve ever stood for is too much to think about.

    Also, social anxiety is a tough thing to communicate to friends, and it’s tough to get people to understand its triggers. Telling people you have anxiety and that sometimes you just don’t feel up to going out feels like saying “I hate people and fun, and I can’t get over myself for long enough to spend time with you,” so sometimes, you don’t explain yourself. You just flake out. 

    Having understanding friends makes a huge difference. If you give me a few days to psyche myself up, and maybe if we don’t go to hottest, most packed-with-rich-and-beautiful-people spots in town,  and if you’re flexible enough to change plans if I’m losing my mind that day and stay in, then I’m a lot more reliable and a lot more fun to be around. But friends that don’t understand how tough social outings can be for me (or worse, don’t care) generally don’t stay friends with me for long.

    That being said, if I plan something with someone, I consider it my responsibility to be there. And when it comes to pre-paid/ pre-ticketed/ one-night-only events, I triple need to be there, or just be honest from the beginning, decline the invite, and make plans to do something lower-key another night.

    • http://twitter.com/VAMPARS Smokey Problemson

      That was a long-ass comment y’all, sorry

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9383035 Scott Muska

        You have the absolute greatest commenting name I have ever seen anywhere.

      • Tom

        My old girlfriend had the exact same problem. I appreciated you taking the time to drum up this thought out response. You probably could have made a TC article about this lol

      • http://twitter.com/VAMPARS Smokey Problemson

        Haha, true.. maybe I should have done that instead!

    • INeedADrink

      I have social anxiety as well, I actually developed it within the past year. It takes a lot to get me to go out but once I do I always feel a little better. I just wish more people could understand how truly daunting it is, thank you for writing this and describing how you feel. Makes me feel normal for a minute. 

    • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

      we need to beat social anxiety. had it for a long while now though. don’t know if i ever will.
      something you have to experience to understand.

      totally want to flake sometimes because of the reasons you stated , too.

    • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

      this.

    • http://twitter.com/sarahannelloyd Sarah Anne Lloyd

      YES, THIS. this is a really great response.

    • Guest

      This is incredibly well-put, kudos. But I don’t think you’re the type of flake this article is directed toward. You’re like a reluctant “flake” by necessity of circumstance. All the flakes I know are just flaky in the interest of self-servience or general disregard for other people’s time. This kind of flakiness is extremely annoying because it *can* be helped, they just don’t care to. I wouldn’t lump you in with that group.

      As someone else mentioned, being late and — I would add — noncommittal, has become the accepted norm. And it’s really irritating.

  • http://twitter.com/mikayel Mikayel Currim

    very nice article

  • http://twitter.com/mikayel Mikayel Currim

    i’d be your friend

  • ZZZ

    Almost understand how these people work. Let them know about an event/hangout 1-2 hrs prior (maybe even as you’re already heading out) if they come, cool; if not, NBD. Don’t plan around their fickle schedules, have your plans and give them a heads up and a small time frame for them to decide to go or not. You can’t give a shit if they flake cause they don’t have the opportunity to even plan to go.

  • Rishtopher

    I will say that I’m a flake. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you or anything. It’s actually that I say yes to everything and forget who I made plans with. The kicker? I don’t even really like going out. I like to stay home. When I do stay home, I get accused of being a hermit or something.

    Honestly, I just don’t have enough social stamina to see everyone. Sorry for always bailing, maybe another time!

    • WHY

      just say no! lol

    • Nico

      Same here. Or when the night of the plans made rolls around, I’m just not in the mood to be outgoing and charming, I want to lay low and relax. Bt I always show for friends who are flexible in regard to what we actually wind up doing..

  • Sophia

    You know what I hate? How our culture has accepted the social norm that it’s okay to be late. I’m sick of making plans to get dinner with a friend, and showing up on time or five minutes early, and ending up awkwardly standing there for ten or twenty minutes and pretending to be busy on my phone. It’s made me start coming late myself, just to avoid it. It’s a positive-feedback cycle, and I hate it. Can’t everyone just try to be punctual? It’s not that hard.

    • Guest

       Really? Pretending to be busy on the phone? Maybe you should get a life.

  • goldglass

    I’m choosing plans with a beloved flake in my life over alcoholing with fun coworkers this week. I find that the flakier the friend, the more committed I become to plans with them, and the more I’m willing to skip out on other forms of fun to see them. If she bails on me, I will be pissed that I am not doing shots with my boss. PISSED.

  • Brittany Wallace

    Detailed Plans are stupid and cause anxiety and are mostly unnecessary.

  • Leah Cox

    I know a few of these people.

    “We should do this, it’ll be awesome”.

    These being the words of the flake.
    Thing is, you know they’re already planning their excuse for not being able to make it and you know their list of excuses like the back of your hand.
    Should take bets on which one they’ll use this time.

    And to Sophia who mentioned people who are unable to be on time.
    This winds me up no end.

  • yt

    so true. sigh. I need better friends/ :’(

  • http://twitter.com/eglectic Egle Makaraite

    You’re being way too soft. Flaky people are one of the most annoying things I’ve ever had to deal with and still am forced to deal with. And their non-existence would make my life so much easier.

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      on the contrary, it’s neat to read an article about flaky people. couldn’t you relate at all? 

  • Garance

    I wish that basically everyone in Los Angeles could read this.

  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    Social anxiety aside, some people are just… flakey. All that they care about is maximizing their fun; they don’t cancel because they’re anxious, they cancel because they found something “better”.

    In my opinion, this is the highest level of douchebaggery. It means, for them, people aren’t humans, they’re tools for entertainment/self-interest. It also means they have a mildly sociopathic; they lack a basic sense of empathy.

     That means they wasted:A) The time you took to planB) The schedule space where you could have planned something with a much better person.My New Year’s resolution was to cut these people out of my life, and I am very happy to report that my quality of social life has improved immensely. Yay.

  • cassius

    hahaha love this

  • M5615

    Some day when you grow up and do two things.   Realize how funny you’re being by studying abroad and pretending as if you’re simply “living in Paris,” and then you’ll realize that you’re an adult and can pick your own friends, and you can choose to not be friends with shitty people.

    • Anonymous

      that awkward moment when I’m not studying abroad

  • Hsockel

    aren’t they just flaky to you b/c they don’t want to hang out w/ you?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=599484915 Natasha Kal-Papangeli

    I’m a flake friend, and I’m refusing to get it together! :D

  • Name Name

    Don’t be hatin’. We’re flakes because we have real difficulty getting our acts together. Do you think we feel good about being late for all our engagements, double-booking over important job-interviews and missing our relatives’ birthdays because we’ve committed to something we forgot about? Being a flake is stressful as heck.

  • http://truecoloursmeditation.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/that-inner-smile/ That inner smile « truecoloursmeditation

    [...] articles like this one that perfectly describe how I feel about certain group of people – http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/flakes-of-the-world-please-get-it-together/ . Thought catalogue is great, check it [...]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/in-defense-of-flakes/ In Defense Of ‘Flakes’ | Thought Catalog

    [...] are happiest and at their best when they don’t have a concrete blueprint they must follow. When you ask a person like this to make a plan with you, you may be asking them to sacrifice their happiness to conform to what you think is good and [...]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/09/in-defense-of-%e2%80%98flakes%e2%80%99-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] are happiest and at their best when they don’t have a concrete blueprint they must follow. When you ask a person like this to make a plan with you, you may be asking them to sacrifice their happiness to conform to what you think is good and [...]

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