Disney Movies Vs Your Actual Life
Scenario: You have a less-than-perfectly attractive friend or family member.
Whether or not you realize it up front, this person is actually evil incarnate. There is something inherently wrong with people who don’t have a button nose and tiny waist, and as we all know, the only way to end up unattractive on the outside is to be a heinous person on the inside whose sole purpose in life is to be bitter and manipulative. Aside from being so obviously jealous of you because, come on, look at them — they have spent most of their lives working themselves into a lather over how life is unfair in general and how they can best take it out on the nearest pretty person, i.e. you. They’re probably plotting your death right now, or at least the most efficient way to confuse your boyfriend into running away with them.
In real life, we’re all the ugly stepsister, let’s be real.
Scenario: You’ve met a cute guy you’re really interested in for the first time.
Upon seeing him for about .093 seconds, you will promptly decide that he is now your only reason to continue life on this planet, and anything else you could have possibly had going for you is completely out the window. You will do everything — from give up your power of speech to risk losing your royal inheritance — to be with this guy. No matter how much of a beta-male fop with too much hair product he turns out to be, he is your one and only because you have suddenly decided he is. Even having kept you locked away in a castle with only a singing water heater for comfort is not going to make you reconsider his Husband Material status when the time comes to walk down the aisle.
You actually meet the hot prince-type with good hair and the kind of family background that can provide a Baroque castle to just spend all your time in despite no discernible employment, and surprise! He doesn’t give you the time of day. You spend most of your time tripping over yourself to be the person you think he wants to be with, only to realize that the game was rigged in the first place and there is no way someone who spends his time practicing archery and cutting stained glass with his flawless jaw structure is going to go for you.
Scenario: You’re undertaking a new personal project.
Whether you’re cleaning out your pantry to throw away the cake mix that’s been expired for three years or starting your own company from the ground up, you can be sure that an array of googly-eyed animals are about to pop out of every crevice and sing at you until you are doing your work more efficiently. The local fauna love you, for some inexplicable reason, and they are going to do about 60 percent of the work for you. A couple of sparrows are going to be handling the broom, a deer is going to be baking you a pie with its antlers, and a badger is going to be on the phone with your bank getting you a 401K. Everything is just going to go by really smoothly with the help of your animal friends.
Despite your great love of animals in all its forms (there was about a ten-month period in fifth grade where you were convinced you literally were a dolphin, for some reason), none of them are going to be bursting out of your broom closet to help you study for the GRE. You’re just generally going to be handling all of the tedium yourself, and there will be no singing montage which suddenly makes you go from morbidly obese cashier at Target to trim, charming yoga instructor in about three minutes. All the changes are going to have to come from your soul, and your bank account.
Scenario: You think you are about to move up to a higher level of commitment with your significant other.
As the only two stages of a relationship in the Disney universe are “just met thirty seconds ago” and “married in some elaborate, My Super Sweet 16-esque wedding,” you’re probably coming up on the latter. Now is the time to break out all of your extended family on both sides to fill up a church the size of a football stadium and have the most extravagant ceremony your podunk European town has ever seen. You are about to get swept off your feet in a display of commitment only properly ended by literally riding off into a sunset, never to be heard from again or make any further development of yourself or any of your personal goals and aspirations. Don’t worry, though, I assure you that you live “happily ever after.”
Your boyfriend wants to move in together, so he’s probably going to tell you one night over Chinese food while watching Dexter something along the lines of, “Hey, your toothbrush is always here,” and you’re going to be like, “Sorry, is that a problem?” and he’s gonna be like, “No, it’s fine. I was just thinking about how much money we could be saving if you moved in. You’re basically here all the time anyway,” and you’re like, “Okay, cool,” and it’s the most romantic moment of your life up until that point.
Scenario: You have overcome your personal demons and are headed out onto a road of success.
Luckily for you, there was only one problem in your entire life, and you’ve just beaten it! I mean, come on, you’re incredibly good-looking, you come from a great family, you have a singing voice that would make a prince weep tears of joy, woodland creatures love coming over to help you with your laundry, and everyone in the town pretty much just talks about how much you’re a 10 that they are completely jealous of. You had one problem (some ugly person was trying to get in your face and you were not having it), but now that’s over. Enjoy your life of… whatever people in Disney movies do after the conflict resolution!
You beat the ugly, evil queen with the wart on her nose and the weird obsession with you? That’s awesome, now get back to work, because that is just one of a thousand problems you have to deal with right now and you still haven’t even updated your resume to send out to a bunch of new job listings that came up on Monster yesterday. Get over yourself, you are not nearly good-looking enough to have an enjoyable life. Go make coffee for someone prettier than you.
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