Ever since we were first introduced, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
When we’re together, every day is a holiday. Not Christmas or Thanksgiving, but definitely one of those holidays like Labor Day where you don’t really celebrate with anyone but you do get to stay home and eat a ton of snacks.
It’s been a fun couple of months, Unemployment. We’re really one of those “stay at home literally every night” kind of couples. We don’t really feel the need to “go out” or “get dressed” or “use complete sentences” some days. We’re perfectly content to just hang out and forget to do laundry. You get that dates are overrated, and I love that about you. Instead of spending money and wasting time going out to restaurants and bars, we like to do fun, flirty activities together such as “preserving electricity” and “crying in the shower”!
These days it’s hard to find someone as faithful as you, Unemployment. You stick around even when I binge eat family-size portions of ice cream while watching multiple seasons of The Simpsons. You understand that it’s never too early in the day for whiskey and coke. You don’t mind when I don’t shower for a week, or when my landlord comes around threatening to evict me. You love those fist-sized coffee stains on almost all of my t-shirts. You’ve never even mentioned that some of my recent internet searches include, “Cool people who died alone,” “Buster and Diane Keaton related?” and “safely putting a bong in the dishwasher.” And isn’t that what true love is really about?
You’ve stuck by me so long, Unemployment, that sometimes I sit alone at night eating Huevos Rancheros in my college t-shirts wondering how this relationship might end. Are we truly meant for each other, or are we simply mixed up in the blind throes of young love? I have to admit, sometimes I feel suffocated by your hold on me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your undivided attention — it’s just that I’m not sure I can imagine an entire lifetime together. They say that love is blind, but I’m beginning to realize our love is blind, poor, and also really fucking bored. Perhaps you should come over tonight so we can talk — and maybe we can even steal the neighbor’s Wi-Fi together one last time. You know, for old times’ sake.
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n the future, a grandmother’s crowning achievement—the thing she never forgets to remind her grandchildren about—will be that Justin Bieber retweeted her once.
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