Dear Gross Dude In The Club, Please Stop Touching Me

Feb. 6, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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Listen up. Just because I’m gay and love dick, it doesn’t mean that I love your dick. In fact, chances are I think your dick is gross and want nothing to do with it, so please stop molesting me in the club. If I didn’t react positively the first time you grabbed my ass, I’m not going to be stoked on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th time.

One of the annoying things about being gay is that some guys just assume your DTF all the time. So when you’re In Da Club and a guy comes up to you, it doesn’t matter if he’s a Brad Pitt or a John C. Reilly, he can just grope the hell out of you to see if you’re interested. They have 20% ownership over your body simply because they’re gay too. “Why CAN’T I grab your dick? I mean, you are gay, right?”

Yes, I’m gay but I’m not gay for you, so back the hell up. When I see one of my girlfriends getting groped by a guy when we’re out (which happens a lot since women are disrespected every second of every day), there’s a quick retaliation. In the instances I’ve witnessed, the girl has no qualms being like “Get the hell off me. I’m not having sex with you.” and either getting the dude kicked out for being a creep or keeping a healthy distance from their molester for the rest of the night. But with gay guys, it garners a tepid response. Feeling someone’s body up and down in a gay bar is more socially acceptable and rarely met with any consequences. If some gross guy fondled you, it’s more likely to just be met with an eye roll and a quick retreat than anything else.

In my mind, this has a lot to do with the preconceived notion that all gay men are sluts. It’s sort of in line with that mentality where if a girl is dressed provocatively, she should expect to receive unwanted male attention because, duh! She’s asking for it! When I’m out at the gay bars, that’s sort of how I feel. I’m asking for it just because I’m gay. Just so we’re clear though, I’m not asking for anything besides a fun night out with friends and maybe an inconsequential make out sesh with a non-creeper. Or, you know what, maybe I’m looking for my future life partner. It doesn’t matter though. If I’m not giving you positive vibes, you need to cease and desist.

I think that’s a major source of the problem actually. People are choosing to not respect boundaries and continue to be aggressive instead. Why do they do this though? Do they think I’m going to magically change my mind when you fondle me a 7th time? A light bulb will go off in my head that will be like, “Wait a minute! Disregard the last six times you assaulted me. I think I like you! Sorry for taking so long to realize it. 7 is usually my magic number.” No. That has never happened in the history of time (unless you just got progressively wasted throughout the night and clouded your judgment). Be more perceptive and less creepy please. I’ve never had the courage to just scream at someone, “CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” because I felt like I didn’t have a right to. But those days, I feel, are changing. TC mark

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  • http://twitter.com/_jakemoore jake moore

    wish this had been you writing as BSG reacting to you in the club in that photograph

  • Anonymous

    I have this problem and I’m a straight guy lol.. Fml.

  • Lady

    You’ve got the right!  No means no!  Though, as a woman, I seriously relate to this and have to remind myself the same thing:  It is NOT impolite to tell a guy he cannot grope you.  It is impolite of them to think they are entitled.

  • Mark

    I thought that was you at The Cock! :p

  • Katie

    “your DTF all the time” ouch. It’s “you’re”.

  • Momo

    This is when I would loudly scream “PERSONAL SPACE”!!!!!!

  • http://stepandfall.blogspot.com/ Lu Han

    As a straight female with only gay male friends I just want to make a very dangerous comment. All of my gay bffs say things like “oh I’m such a good person, I am not a slut, I don’t sleep with people unless I genuinely like them” but how many times have I witnessed them leave the bar with a complete random and boast to me about it the next morning … many. In their defense, they establish “connections” very quickly. 

    I have never personally have a true definition one night stand. And after having lived most of that in my 2nd year of university I can honestly say I would not sleep with someone unless I am their girlfriend. 

    So … as all gay men may defend themselves by saying “I’m not a slut” chances are … you are. It’s just more socially acceptable in the gay community. I really say this with no sense of negativity. And I know it’s a very brave comment that might receive a lot of negative replies. 

    So Ryan, it’s not that you were into him because you aren’t a slut. Because frankly … after reading the many blogs you have shared with us … you kind of are honey. You just weren’t into him because he was ugly. 

    Point and case. 

    • guestie

      that doesn’t give anyone the right to grope him….what the fuck?

    • Guest

      educate yourself on slut shaming please.

    • Trololollo

      Yeah even if someone is a slut all sexual activity should be consensual. There’s a difference between being groped by someone you like in public and someone you don’t like.

  • PB

    this is my life as a straight girl any time i set foot in the ritz in HK. nightmares tbh.

  • Anonymous

    That comment was in no way “brave”. You give yourself too much credit.

  • guest

    This happened to me the first time I was actually in a gay club when I was 18. Old creeper literally picked me up on the dance floor. I freaked out and bit him in the throat, people cheered, it was weird.

  • Joe

    @luluhan:disqus  – please don’t slut-shame. It really isn’t acceptable behavior.

    • Hanna

      STFU SLUT.

  • yellowfeverazngirlfetish666

    i really can’t stand the gays. please mitt rommney come into office and make their lives a little more difficult in america. lol. the gays. 

  • vanessa

    I feel your frustration. I’m a straight girl and am APPALLED by the way some men think they can treat women at clubs/bars. A month ago I was out at a club in LA and after a guy smacked my ass and I told him to back the fuck off, he proceeded to call me a slut and told me I was asking for it because I “dressed like a whore.” How about I dress how ever the hell I want and you don’t fucking touch me? ugh

  • http://twitter.com/CorinaComments Corina Tillman

    Some people are just too stupid (or drunk, I usually hope for their sake too drunk) to catch anything remotely subtle, especially over the music at a club. For either reason, sometimes all they’re going to understand is “YOU’RE BEING CREEPY LEAVE ME ALONE!”, and who cares if they think you’re rude as long as they fuck off? I’m extremely mild mannered but independent, and I’ve come to the realization that if I’m going to go out, it’s going to be necessary.

    But still, I can’t comprehend why they think it’s a good idea, no matter how many drinks or childhood drops to the head they’ve had.

  • Susan

    you’re*

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_AOAXLYH56TVZDCCVU6ZSUTDMAQ Eva B.

    Awesome post.  It doesn’t matter what the persuasion or preference, No means No, and back the hell off!  Glad that you are finding your voice.  Next time open your mouth and scream it. ;)

  • Zandalasini

    I haven’t been groped in ages. I think I’m going to start wearing arse-less chaps.

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