College Classes That Would Actually Prepare You For Real Life
The quaint idea of a liberal arts education that creates a well-rounded individual who can navigate work, social and recreational life with style and erudition is outmoded. People no longer discuss Herodotus at cocktail parties. Nor do they question morality or existence. Generally people browse the Internet and buy stuff.
In response to societal changes, we have developed our new Bachelor of Arts in Successful Living to answer the needs of current college students. The BA is a demonstration in itself that a University education can indeed still be useful. Join us in admiring our latest catalogue of classes:
FOF101 FOF201 Filling Out Forms – Your post-graduate life will start with student loan paperwork and credit card applications. From there you’ll go on to job applications, car loans, medical insurance forms and, of course, your annual taxes. Once you have those mastered, you’ll probably lose your job. Unemployment forms, periodic Medicaid applications, food stamps (State Nutrition), scholarships and financial aid for your kids are all covered in our course offerings. In these intensive classes you’ll learn the basics of filling out forms, paper versus Web site forms, and when to hire an expert. We’ll answer questions like how honest should you be, when is a form just too damn daunting, how to actually begin (and finish) forms, and whether to drink three or four beers while completing forms.
LF101A Having a Lawyer Friend – It’ll happen soon after you graduate. You’ll get ripped off by a used-car salesman or someone will claim to have your baby. Problems easily solved if you have one lawyer friend who’s willing to make a threatening phone call. We teach you how to find and utilize such a friend.
SM101, SM202, SM303 How to Operate Your Smart Phone (replaces How to Program A VCR) – Our most challenging major, in this series of classes you will learn how to operate a Smart Phone so effectively you’ll almost think that the device was worth the money.
iTL101 How to Fix iTunes – Sometimes even we think it’s impossible. That’s why we’ve hired the most prestigious physicists and mathematicians to lead our cadre of iTunes professors. You won’t find better instruction anywhere.
>:( 101 Arguing with Spouses and Other Termagants – The techniques you’ll learn will help you navigate the waters of marriage, Wal*Mart and the DMV. Replaces our Psychology major.
>$ 101 Discounts & Coupons – We don’t call it clipping anymore. Our expert coupon professors will show you how to find “coupons” on the internet, how to avoid excessive spending on “discount” items, and how to avoid obsession. The class culminates in a group project where you’ll decorate an entire room for less than $1,000.
Brng101 How to Influence People Without Boring Them to Death – It’s not as simple as putting bullet-points up on a screen and then reading them to an audience (yawn). We introduce the concepts of client-entertainment, martini lunches, motivational seminars and Chuck-E-Cheese’s for adults. Corporate boondoggles and holiday parties aren’t insignificant; they are the essential building blocks of our economy. This class is taught by our Marketing and Economics professors, who are experienced real-life professionals.
SM101 Social Media – Avoid showering and shaving as you live your entire life through electronic media.* You’ll learn how to keep your “friends” by not being boring (“I watered the lawn again today”), not being coy (“I’m feeling . . .??”) and not complaining too much on the internet (especially about your “job”). We cover FaceBook, Twitter, and all those other things. #nevergooutside
* you’ll find that even trips to the grocery store can be eliminated
AS 314 Avoiding Spam – While we don’t promise that you’ll eliminate spam (the computer kind), at least you’ll be an expert at identifying and avoiding it.
AAA101 Triple A – None of our students has ever changed a tire or even put oil in a car. Learn how to maintain a state of automotive ignorance by taking advantage of the Automobile Club’s various offerings. Like the tendrils of an invasive plant, the Automobile Club has penetrated our lives in many ways: maps, hotels, coupons & discounts, insurance, advice, economic analysis of gas prices on NPR, automotive crisis prevention, automotive crisis resolution. Relinquish control to the Club!
CL412 How to Use Craigslist Without Getting Ripped Off, Raped or Murdered (Replaces “How to Not Patronize Craigslist”) – We’ve given in to demand and now offer this course in the unavoidable Craigslist.
PC212A Printers and Copiers – If you suspect your unpaid internship will be a series of frustrations with paper jams, toner cartridges, USB ports, inexplicable electronic errors, mysterious black lines across your documents, stapler malfunctions and a lack of paper because the other unpaid intern forgot to order it, you’re right! In this course our professors train you in the skills necessary to handle these real-life, possibly-income-making-sometime-in-the-future tasks.
Real101A Reality Shows – Evolution, Interpretation, Promotion, Artistic Vision, and What Channel They’re On. Now a BA in our Sociology Department.
TN?101 Tying a Tie / Whether to Wear Nylons – Yeah, right! Only if you’re going to be interviewed on television. Which might happen after you take our next class:
$Ka-ching$502 How to Write a Best-Selling Expert How-To Book – It’s usually a matter of tone and confidence rather than content. Then you’ll have to be prepared to discuss it on TV. We’ll show you how,
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When your audience is this big, how can you really “know” it?
By Liz Colville
Metaphorically or literally, you will be hungry. Hungry for something to do, somewhere to go, some point to getting up in the morning.
It is so much more simple to say, “Stop caring what a man thinks, ladies, you’re beautiful as you are,” than to address all of the myriad reasons why that likely doesn’t apply to her.
These discourses, these models of life, are insidious, egregious, and soul crushing.