Checklist For Being Slightly Overweight
- Be overly attentive to the way your body looks in every outfit, in every lighting situation, in every photo, at every angle, all the time.
- Joke about being fat, yet constantly worry that someone who’s fatter than you is listening and feels hurt.
- Get nervous every time someone brings up weight because you’re still not sure what category you’re in. Know they’re just being nice when they tell you you’re “smaller than average.”
- Obsess over clothing sizes and always reply that you are a medium when in fact you have no fucking clue what size you really are because the number of pounds over the weight you are supposed to be fluctuates constantly.
- Be half-proud, half-embarrassed about your weirdly strong abs thanks to your ability to suck in your stomach with such ease and endurance.
- Harbor a deep-seated resentment for short, skinny boys due to their cruel neglect of you in middle and high school. Revel their shortcomings and gleefully diagnose all of them with Napoleon complexes.
- Battle with the periods in your life when you were skinnier and when you were heavier. Feel so jealous of your skinner days that you want to cry. Hate yourself so much in the heavier days that you want to cry.
- Reject the idea that you could be with a skinny boy because you’ve convinced yourself they find your curves disgusting.
- Remind yourself that being with someone thin would reduce the chances that your future daughter would have the same body issues as you.
- Decide that being with a skinny guy would just make you feel too self-conscious about eating in front of him and jiggling during sex and how you two would look in pictures together and reject the idea for good.
- End up dating a skinny guy and sabotage the relationship with your paranoia because you feel unattractive around him, regardless of what he says and does.
- Wonder what the fuck you are doing living in a big city.
- Regularly cycle through immense self-esteem, determination, and optimism to worthlessness, loneliness, and defeat.
- Sometimes wish you were born really overweight so at least you wouldn’t have to feel so confused all the time.
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I would rather jump around and sweat my body to a Lady Gaga song. Yoga is so overrated.
13. ‘Wilmer Valderrama Presents Yo Momma: The Movie’
4. When I mentioned my idea of applying for a competitive writing fellowship in addition to graduate programs, and you told me I shouldn’t.
Women want to see you in social situations, outdoors doing manly activities, on a boat holding a fish, ANYTHING that indicates you’ve got a life.