A Suicide Note From The Word "Moist"

Mar. 8, 2012

By Jonathan San info

Jonathan San works in television in New York City. He hasn't told his friends he's funny yet. He tweets.

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Dear all,

For the hundreds of thousands of other words in the English language, most speakers are kind to them, if not oblivious. Most of them live passively, generating neither love nor hate. Of course, some are more popular than others (I’m talking about you “like”!) but overall, the majority of us words live an idyllic existence (“idyllic” most of all). Except for me, “moist.”

You would think that in 2012 — a year defined by a black President, an Asian NBA star and a partially-sentient cyborg GOP candidate — people would be more tolerant. Last year, everyone — ahem, Dan Savage — kept telling me that it would get wetter, that eventually people would find me comfortable and likable. Well it hasn’t, and I’ve decided it’s time to hang myself — out to dry.

What is it about me that you hate so much? I’ve thought about that question for hundreds of years and have never been able to answer it rationally. I know, I “like totally creep you out.” Even as a young child people would say my name, then shiver and announce that they needed to take a shower. But why? Do I sound that horrific? Am I the aural equivalent of Quasimodo? The sonic partner to the Phantom of the Opera? Even those ghouls found love, however transient it may have been. I stand alone. One may be the loneliest number, but I am the loneliest word.

I should revise that last thought. I DID have friends. Did, as in, used to. They have all fallen, one by one, victims of the same maelstrom of hate and bullying. And really, you guys are okay with the word “maelstrom” but not “moist”? Who the hell even says “maelstrom” and enjoys it? Anyway, my pals “panties,” “juicy,” and “flesh” crossed to the other side recently, too. They couldn’t take it. And frankly, I can’t keep living alone. All the people who complain about how we sound and how uncomfortable we make them are to blame. They’re the ones with blood on their hands (sorry “blood” and “hands”). Dammit people, use synonyms! Synonyms are our bench players! Use them, before someone else gets hurt.

For those I leave behind, I am sorry. But this was a long time coming. To my mother and father, “mist” and “most,” please know that this was not your fault. Who would have thought that your darling son would become the most hated etymological monster since “supple” (RIP)? To my dear triplet brothers, “hoist,” “foist,” and “joist,” I love you and am thankful nobody bullies you or even really knows about you. Sometimes, invisibility is a blessing in disguise. To my dear friends Merriam and Webster, you alone stuck to the truth. In your eyes, I know that I will always remain “characterized by high humidity,” and I thank you for such a kindness.

Like the great Martin Luther King, Jr., I too had a dream. But it was wet, and I know better than to share it with you intolerant bastards.

Adieu,

Moist TC mark

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  • Guest

    This is wonderful.  Poor moist…

  • Hannah

    Hang myself out to dry OMFG OEFDJNSVACKmcdlvs I am dYING

  • Ken Tucky

    I need “nipple” and “ointment” to join “moist” and just go away already.

  • Maja

    BRILLIANT! Absolutely brilliant! Hilarious and cute! :DD  

    PS – Don’t hang yourself out to dry, MOIST! I actually quite enjoy the way you sound! No, I relish in the way you sound. I’m get all MOIST by the way you sound! :DDD

    • Maja

      I get*

  • ARDRA

    HAHAHA! 
    I laughed. There.

    • ARDRA

      By the way, my name means moist. And I must apologize that each time I was asked what my name meant, I never made eye contact while using the m-word. I lied too sometimes, just so that I won’t make the m-word feel bad when people cringed. I had no problems with it, but it made others uncomfortable. 

      I could have been a force of change, proudly wearing m**** on her name tag. And now it has gone and killed itself.

      Shit.

  • bee

    I know it’s not a word, but I hate whenever anyone says “stankay” (as opposed to smelly, which really, isn’t much better), even in jest.  I seriously get the urge to punch someone within a ten foot radius of me when I hear that word. 

  • Taren

    The best thing I’ve read in a long time. Rip, moist. Sorry to see you go… but not that sorry.

  • Lifeinmetallicneon

    Thank you for your genius and thank you moist for being gross sounding enough to make this necessary.

  • Sara

    Don’t forget about “ointment.” oooh it’s horrifying just to think it in my head.

  • Guest

    Sayonara, you filthy bastard!

  • wet

     

    I love watching the moist maelstrom of filth swirling around
    after I’ve flushed and my hand’s squeezed out the last droplet of juicy pee.
    Then I pull my panties up.

    • Anonymous

      lmao very nice

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    i quickly read the title and thought, oh man, the superhero ‘moist’ from dr horrible is going to off himself 

  • http://twitter.com/HannieKerm Hanna Kermanshahi

    “Moist” is my roommate’s least favorite word, followed by panties. She says this all the time.

  • http://twitter.com/herenotlost Lola Li

    I can’t think of another appropriate adjective for describing cake as moist.

  • Rirv

    I think I’m going to say moist more often. Would love to make people a little uncomfortable.

  • Supahhcool

    I’m crying right now; this is so perfect.

  • AK

    Haha this is brilliant… Glad ‘moist’ decided to call it a day ;) It was about time!

  • LazyReader

    “The night was moist.”

  • Okeyincols

    I’d like to nominate “underneath” to the list…

  • Anonymous

    Can we get rid of the word “nice” next please?

  • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart laura jayne martin

    The part that really got me was  ”a partially-sentient cyborg GOP candidate”. Not sure why. It was all great though.

  • Benjy

    This made me giggle.

  • sam

    Oh, dear moist! I hope I’m not too late – I know things are tough, but you have to understand, you’ve been hanging out with the wrong crowd. Those who defile the essence of your meaning with sexual deviancy. You very well know that your name can exist in so many other contexts. It’s all a self-esteem issue, really. It isn’t enough that you rely on others’ perceptions of you. You have to know what you mean; who you are.
    My dear moist, can I suggest one thing….
    go and make friends with some patissieres. They will show you that there is nothing better than a moist cake.
    And please, do spare a thought for the poor prefix ‘homo’, much maligned and misunderstood.
    All the best to your delightful slight wetness/humidity.

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/13-inventions-the-world-needs-desperately/ 13 Inventions The World Needs Desperately | Thought Catalog

    [...] A word to replace “moist.” Simply put, the word “moist” has got to go. If words were people, moist would be the creepy uncle that makes you uncomfortable. For whatever [...]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/13-inventions-the-world-needs-desperately/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] A word to replace “moist.” Simply put, the word “moist” has got to go. If words were people, moist would be the creepy uncle that makes you uncomfortable. For whatever [...]

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