There’s a lot going on in this video. First of all, Pharell Williams is all up in Britney’s Kool-Aid without even knowing the flavor, and Britney’s just like “BRB. I gotta go whisper some vocals.” Meanwhile, Austin Powers shows up to promote his movie Goldmember and everyone’s just like “Can you not, Mike Myers?” I will say that Britney looks gorgeous and “Boys” is a really fun song to make out to in the club. That’s all I got for this one.
12. “Me Against The Music” (featuring Madonna)
I’m OBSESSED with this video. It’s perhaps the most lesbian thing Britney has ever done, including the time she shaved her head in a strip mall in Tarzana. The plot of the video goes like this: Britney’s dancing in the club as her dyke den mother Madonna (wearing a power suit and carrying a CANE) watches her from a private room. Then Britney’s like “I need to find Madonna, my lover!” and Madonna’s like “Um, no. We’re in a fight.” and runs into this room with leaves on the ground and a swing. Britney frantically searches for her, dancing out her aggression on the way, and Madonna is just swinging on the swing being like “Catch me if you can, lesbian!” The video ends with Britney finally tracking her down and pinning her against a wall. As Britney closes in for a kiss, however, Madonna disappears into thin air—which I find to be incredibly homophobic! Just have them make out, for god’s sake!
Both the song and the accompanying music video for “Toxic” are defining moments in Britney’s career. Not only is it the edgiest and most interesting single she’s released thus far, the video is beyond major with its fast-paced blend of action/adventure and sex. I mean, hello. The wigs! The make outs! The untimely deaths! My heart is racing just thinking about it! The video looks expensive as hell but I’d wager to say it’s worth it. Plus, it marks Britney’s true transformation into adulthood. She’s not making bubblegum pop anymore, kids! She’s a woman/femme fatale/secret agent!
This has got to be my favorite music video Britney has ever done. Even though there’s no sex or elaborate dance routines, it packs the most emotional punch. Directed by shock celebrity photographer David La Chapelle, Britney and her bad boy boyfriend Stephen Dorff portray a celebrity couple at war with each other. After escaping the glare of the paparazzi, the two return to their hotel room and Stephen Dorff throws a vase of flowers and Britney’s like, “Stephen Dorff, those were really expensive!” and Stephen Dorff responds with, “I don’t care, Britney Spears!” And then Britney’s like, “Fine, Stephen Dorff. I’m going to go drown myself in the bath tub. BRB!” Then she does. Britney dies. Or lives. I don’t know. The last shot is of her waking up in the bath tub and being like “Sike, I’m alive!” but I think you can just choose your own adventure with this one. Personally, I like to think that she died and Stephen Dorff killed himself shortly afterward. Not because of Britney’s death but because he’s Stephen Dorff.
15. “My Prerogative”
This cover of the classic Bobby Brown song was the lead single in Britney’s Greatest Hits: My Prerogative compilation. Released not too long after In The Zone, cracks in Britney’s perfect image had begun to appear after she had a shotgun wedding to her childhood best friend in Las Vegas, which was later annulled, and shortly thereafter decided to marry a backup dancer from Fresno, California named Kevin Federline who was expecting a second child with his ex, Shar Jackson. Despite all of the drama, “My Prerogative” shows Britney at her sexiest. She starts the video by crashing her car into a pool and then moves on to rolling around in a bed wearing nothing but a bra and underwear. There’s a lot of gyrating and solo thrusting in this video and it’s hot because Britney’s hot. Really, really hot.
16. “Do Somethin’”
Jesus Christ, this is an insane video. It opens up with Britney driving a pink hummer IN THE SKY with her girlfriends and then cuts to them in some nightclub. There’s also some clips interspersed of Britney looking like she’s having a seizure while clad in a cropped fur vest, bra and underwear. Even more puzzling is the ending which has Britney performing with an all-girl rock band. What? You could just tell she was starting to lose it. This video really set the scene for what was to come.
17. “Someday (I Will Understand)”
You’ve probably never heard of this song or seen the video and for good reason. It appeared as a bonus track on an EP for her reality show, Britney & Kevin: Chaotic—which no one saw and if you did, you should strongly consider repressing the memory because it was so #dark. The song actually isn’t so terrible though. It’s syrupy sweet without giving you diabetes and the video is tastefully done in black and white. For once, Britney doesn’t expose her bellybutton but that’s only because she’s very pregnant and wearing a muumuu.
18. “Gimme More”
Okay, a lot of stuff has gone down since the last video. Here’s a recap: Britney popped out two babies, came to her senses and divorced K-Fed, went to a few rehabs and completed a month at Promises, shaved her head in a Tarzana strip mall, and lost physical custody of her children. She also may or may not have started her Look At My Vagina Tour with Paris Hilton. Now before I critique the worst Britney video of all time, I have to say that Blackout is my favorite Britney record. We’re blissfully spared any ballads and every song is an amazing club banger. It’s seriously too bad she was nuts and couldn’t promote it properly because I think it would’ve sold a bajillion copies. Unfortunately, this pathetic video for “Gimme More” was legit the best she could do. For four painful minutes, she just straddles a stripper pole. I’m not kidding. There are no other location changes. It’s just her behaving like a zombie on a double dose of Xanax, pretending to make love to a pole. It also looks like it was made on a ten dollar budget.
19. “Piece Of Me”
This video is an improvement from “Gimme More” but not by much. There’s some semblance of a plot—imitation Britneys dupe the vicious paparazzi while the real Britney attempts to fight for her independence—but any spark is killed when she’s expected to actually perform. The best she can offer is some light swaying back and forth in a room by herself while she gives the camera dead eyes. You can tell she’s just over everything. She can’t even be bothered to learn a simple dance routine, for god’s sake.
You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.