A Letter To The “Groupon Getaways Offers For Two” Emails That I Constantly Receive In My Inbox
Dear Groupon Getaways Offers For Two,
I hope you do not think that I do not love horse-drawn carriage rides. In fact, that sort of thing is my whole shit. Old-timey, romantic, you know. The complete fairytale deal. And your emails fill my Gmail inbox on a weekly basis advertising these kinds of opportunities. Don’t think that I don’t appreciate the offers for a “Couples Kite-Surfing Class in Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic,” or a “Weekend of Colonial New England Charm at the Wayside Carriage House Inn in Sudbury, Massachusetts.” Again, the “carriage” shit really gets me.
But there is something you and your very reasonable pricings for romantic proposal locations should consider:
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be swept out of a safari truck with my safari-going fiancé on an “All-Inclusive Kenyan Safari From Odyssey Safaris.” That sounds wonderful, and thank you for letting me know that that exists. It’s great to know that other people are experiencing that. I’m so happy for those people who also get these emails but are in considerably different life circumstances than me. In fact, I just saw that the “Rustic Three-Day Country Experience at the Hattie May Inn in Fort Worth, Texas” offer is sold out. That means at least a few hundred couples took you up on that. So there are at least a few hundred couples having a really memorable time looking out at a vast farmland at sunset with their arms around each other while sitting on a worn white wooden porch drinking Arnold Palmers and laughing at how a firefly just got so close to their faces oh my god!
It’s awesome to know that they’re doing all of those things.
However, I’m afraid to say that I have no use for your fantastic deals. I would really, really love to give you my money in exchange for a sexy hideaway with my hideaway-seeking fiancé at the “Rio Celeste Hideaway Hotel in Alajuela, Costa Rica,” but I sunburn.
Oh, and I’m single.
You can call or email me anytime if any of this is confusing. I’ll be watching documentaries about carriages on mute on the 18″ television provided with the “All-Inclusive Listening To ‘Reel Around the Fountain’ By The Smiths On Repeat Marathon While You Wonder Whether Or Not It’s Really Worth It To Get Dressed To Go Buy New Hand Soap For The Single Apartment” package.
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Fast & Furious 6 is incredible. I’m not even lying. Definitely go see it.
And I am not interested in torturing myself with questions of “What if he meets someone else?” I’m sure you will. And maybe you’ll manage to fool her for even longer than you did me.
You have to start thinking she’s average.
…A Smith Corona electric SL-580 typewriter, to be precise.