A Complete Idiot’s Guide To Father’s Day

1. The Tie

Invented by the Puritans, neckties were first used to cover shirt buttons in the 1650s. At that time, the openings of clothing were considered obscene. Ties enabled the devout to conceal their shameful fastenings. Later in the 1920s, ties were used to cure headaches by squeezing the neck and reducing blood flow to the brain until your headache was cured — usually because you lost consciousness. And who was the first brand to mass-produce these pain-killing accessories for the American public? Oh, just a little company called “Tylenol,” ever heard of it?

Actually, the origin story of the tie is way more interesting than receiving one as a gift, so my advice is to buy your father a book on the history of ties instead. There are several great ones. I recommend you stick to the classics. Your dad will love Up To Our Necks: The story of ties in the New World, or he’ll become engrossed by Tying One On: Everything you always wanted to know about neckties but were too afraid to ask. If you can’t find those, there’s always my personal favorite, Why Knot? by NYC Police Commissioner Ray Kelly.

2. The Dopp Kit

This is not a kit at all. The Dopp Kit was originally a children’s toy that allowed kids to build their very own dopps. However, due to video games and teenagers being lazy scumbags who are obsessed with the internet, interest in making or playing with dopps has all but vanished. Luckily, the small leather case that the kits came packaged in is pretty good for holding razors and other crap. Your dad might want one of these. Or he might be just as happy carrying his stuff in Ziploc freezer bags, which your mom has told him countless times are very expensive and should not be wasted on toiletries.

3. _____-of-the-Month Club Memberships

Beer, meat, steaks, cheese, wine, fruit, paralegals — it’s fun to get stuff in the mail! You can find clubs that will suit almost any dad’s predilection. Plus, it’s nice to help out the Post Office. After all, they’ve given you so much over the years — like the occasional bill or misdirected alumni magazine — and now that they need you, it’s nice to finally be there, for the Post Office.

4. Cologne

Something stinks! And it’s not your dad. That’s why you’re honoring him this Father’s Day. But maybe you sense — perhaps from the slight tilt of his head as he quietly reads his 800-page Civil War history book — that he would like to smell differently than he smells at this moment.

Your dad needs a fragrance that says everything you want to say to him and more. Ever hear the expression ‘Spray it, don’t say it’? That’s about Father’s Day gifts. Now is the time to do it right.

If your dad is a debonair style maven who’s up on the latest trends, then try Tommy Boi, Zombie/Ninja/ Pirate, or John Carter (the world’s first movie tie-in perfume for men). If your dad is a traditionalist or a fan of talk radio, then go for something like Anchor Mist, Bodega Bay Rum, or Crustacean — basically anything with a seaworthy name that is so strong, powerful and manly that it will burn the epidermis off his flesh. If you simply can’t decide, just go with the new George Clooney signature fragrance Salt & Pepper. After all, what says fatherhood more than a single, childless man in his early 50s? Your mother will thank you. And isn’t that what Father’s Day is all about?

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