A Checklist For Getting Laid
1. Lower your standards. When it’s 1 a.m. and your loins are calling and there are just no VGL people available, you need to put your beer goggles on and take what you can get! Who cares if he has a bald spot and three balls if he knows how to get it in.
2. Open up Grindr/Jack’d/OkCupid. Put an ad on Craiglist that specifies you are a VVGL jock masc white guy looking for similar ONLY. No pic, no response.
3. Send a text message to somebody you want to sleep with asking if they want to go see The Gossip with you, you have an extra ticket, and do they want it? Invite a person over to “watch a movie,” because we all know what that is code for. Also, why are we still saying that?
4. Shave/trim your balls/D and V in preparation. Nobody likes a Brillo Pad crotch. Nobody. So clean that mess up. One of my friends had a hookup with someone and in the middle of the hook up the guy asked if he could shave his A. On another occasion, one of my BFFs texted me that she was going to be late to our lunch. Her excuse? Girlfriend had to go for an emergency wax job. She had a hot date later on that night so she needed to be ready, you know, just in case.
5. Change out the photos on your dating profile because the ones you posted aren’t getting any results. Smize more, get the right lighting and angle, look slutty yet approachable. Take 25 different photos all with different faces. Narrow it down to the final few.
6. Ditch your friends. You’ve found a hot guy and you’re so into him but you came with people. Just ditch them without even excusing yourself or saying anything else about it. You can tell them all about it at brunch on Sunday, which is the perfect time to talk about that.
7. Guys: Spray cologne on our Ds. I don’t know if all guys are doing this, but enough of them are that I have encountered one too many D’s with cologne on it. It’s a nice, welcoming gesture, I suppose. But what am I supposed to say? “Is that Burberry Touch I smell down there? What a delicate flourish!”
8. Girls: Shave your legs (if you are into that).
9. Send a booty text: “What are you up to?” The booty text always comes between the hours of 1 a.m. and 3 a.m., after the bars have closed and the sender obviously hasn’t found somebody better for the night. Doesn’t that make you feel spectacular!
10. Practice your “I wanna F you eyes.” Look at the person you wanna bone while thinking to yourself, “Are we gonna get it in or what?” It’s called non-verbal communication, and eye contact is so sexy. They’ll get the hint.
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Took my own braces off with nail clippers.
…So let’s go there.
It’s 2 A.M. and you find yourself in front of a fast food restaurant. The world spins, your stomach growls, and your heart beats. You’re drunk and hungry.
I could write a whole spiel about my distaste for the great American scam that is the unpaid internship, but I digress.