9 Unfortunate Situations To Find Yourself In
1. When A Person Asks To Use Your Computer
Five words: Can. I. Use. Your. Computer. They can send chills down a spine. No, not necessarily because of porn, but there’s a ton of stuff that might show up. Maybe I don’t want you to see that I searched Google Images for “Mark Spitz Speedo Pic” (it was for a project), bookmarked corny one liners (they’re my future Tweets), or looked up Will.I.Am’s IMDB (strictly for research) — because that’s oddly embarrassing and you just wouldn’t understand. It’s hard to say “no” to a computer requester, mainly because you’ll look beyond suspicious, which is equally as humiliating as them actually finding incriminating evidence.
2. The Weirdo Approaching
You may be sitting on a subway, a bus, or a park bench when suddenly you spot an uncomfortable looking person. The majority of the time they’ll look like a crack head, a killer, or a mixture of both. They’ll probably seek eye contact. You’ll probably look away or shield your eyes with your hand. But they’re persistent. They’ll plop down in the seat nearest you and attempt to engage in some type of conversation that you want no part of. They make a comment, clearly hoping for your response. You say nothing. They’ll try again, maybe three times for good measure but you’ll still ignore. Finally, they’ll give a direct “Hey you!” or shoulder tap before taking you on an uncomfortable journey through their mind. This is preventable though. Wear headphones. Headphones are the creepy chatterbox’s kryptonite.
3. Being In A Bad Chef’s Kitchen
The food is bad but you Fear Factor’d it down despite its gag-worthy taste, just so you didn’t seem rude. Then you took it a step further, offering compliments to the chef. The flattered cook then fixed you a serving larger than your original portion, making you put a foot in your mouth – which probably tastes better than the meal itself.
4. Playing Home Wrecker
Realizing that the person you’re fraternizing with has a girlfriend/boyfriend is traumatizing. If you weren’t made aware of their significant other, it’s extra off-putting because nobody likes to be duped. It results in you feeling doubly bad for not only being involve with a deceitful person, but also assisting their indecent behavior towards some other poor victim. If you’re aware in advance, yet went along with it anyway — well then the whole respect for others’ relationships thing doesn’t influence you, therefor you’re probably just fine taking part in a pretty freaking dishonorable cheat-lationship.
5. The Fighting Friend Assistance Dilemma
Since we’re adults, many of us prefer to use our words to solve conflicts. There are unlucky times when our friends will be involved in physical altercations, making us their tag team partner by default. If you’re not much of a fighter, things are really uncomfortable. Obviously there’s a sense of loyalty that comes with friendship, but most of us aren’t big fans of risking our safety over nonsense. It’s indeed a tough spot, but I have an equation called “The 7-Up Solution” to help you decide if you want to jump in. Take the number of years you’ve known the friend, plus the amount you enjoy their company (on a scale of 1-10). Subtract the height of the opponent (rounding to the nearest foot). If that total is lower than 7, don’t feel obligated to get involved in the melee.
6. Knowing That A Friend Is Cheating On Another Friend
Nothing sucks more than this predicament and there’s certainly no surefire approach to handle such a delicate situation. Damage control is an afterthought because this essentially forces a person to pick a side. Choose which friend’s feelings you care more about, and align with them. Typically it’s easier to side with the victim, who’s being cheated on than with the disloyal individual.
7. The Bearer Of Bad Booger News
You have a booger. I see it. It’s staring back at me. It’s telling me to let you know it’s there. I’d pick it myself if it wasn’t frowned upon. I should tell you, but I don’t want to vocalize the monstrosity in your nostrils. It’d be awkward and embarrassing. So I’ll say nothing, which is probably more embarrassing for you, but less awkward for me. I’m sorry. It sits there. We go all over town, run into everyone, catch up with old friends – all of those people that we interacted with, throughout the entire day saw that booger. That’s subpar friendship on the silent person’s part, but it really can be difficult to inform someone of his or her dirty nose. For some reason its significantly easier to tell a person when there’s something stuck in their teeth, rather than their nostrils.
8. Pregnancy Scares
Of all the things we need preparation for in life, a baby is atop that list. The possibility of being an impromptu parent instills a one-of-a-kind fear in us. Even when being safe, anyone is just an accident away from being with child. It’s no fun at all. The stretch after a girl recognizes that she’s late for her period is a brutal one. We spot baby books, Pampers commercials, wake up in cold sweats — very paranoid days that slowly tick by. However when menstruation finally does return, it’s a glorious day of festivities. No party is happier than one thrown by two relieved people who just found out they’re childless.
9. Having One Item In The Grocery Store Behind A Full Cart
It’s rude to ask to cut in front, but you see me holding a single stick of deodorant. Please just offer. Please ask if I’d like to just hop in front of your basket full of small cans and bagged fruit that’ll require the cashier to punch in several numbers. Please? No, you’re not going to offer. Instead you’re going to place that little grocery separator up there and go on about your business. Thanks a lot, guy – I really needed a stick to isolate my single stick of deodorant from your overflowing pile of groceries.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.