8 Ways Female Party Animals Behave Like Actual Animals
1. They butt heads like rams.
MAYBE WE’RE A LITTLE BUZZED, BUT WE AREN’T DRUNK!
Except we totally are. For whatever reason, a girl’s first reaction to being the least bit drunk is to deny deny deny. I can tell by your glassy stare and the fact that you’ve complimented my eye brows five times that you’re three sheets to the wind — however, you will deny repeating yourself, ask if you can transplant my eyebrows to your face, and tell me once again that you are not drunk.
While the drunk/not drunk argument is the first thing that sloshed girls will butt heads with you about but, it is certainly not the last. Conversations between a drunk girl (DG) and sober person (SP) go a little something like this:
DG: What’s the name of that librarian from high school who wore weird clothes?
SP: Mrs. Stevens.
DG: No! Not her! The one with the puffy shirts and the mustache!
SP: It’s Mrs. Stevens. Remember, we all called her “Captain Stevens.”
DG: No, no the other pirate-ey one!
SP: I’m 100 percent positive it’s her; I had her for home room all four years.
DG: “YOU ARE F-CKING WRONG AND WE CAN ONLY SETTLE THIS DEBATE THROUGH A LOUD BAR ALTERCATION OR CAGE MATCH.
See how quickly that escalated? For your own sake, agree to disagree and move on.
2. They dance like penguins.
When trying to find a mate, penguins do a “courtship dance” to impress their potential love interest. Girls are no different. Except instead of looking for a life partner, we’re just looking for someone (ANYONE!) to grind up on us and show the least bit of attention. And so, we dance. Ludacris says he wants “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed” but most girls are ladies in the street and strippers on the sweaty crowded dance floor. Even girls who aren’t slutty in real life know that all guys enjoy sex (major revelation), so we decide to transform from Gina the lovable sister/aunt/law student to Krystal the naughty nurse who knows her way around a pole. We know that our future husbands will laugh at this ridiculous behavior and appreciate our brains more than any dry humping dance move but for now we’re lonely and desperate for attention, so we booty drop and bring it up slow.
3. They spread love like huskies.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, meet Mishka (above).
Take a few minutes to decompress because if you love that dog as much as I do, you’re a little worked up right now. Ok so, Mishka howls “I love youuuu” with no abandon and God damn it so do we. Before drunk chicks get sad, mean, or sleepy they love to tell everyone how much they well, love them. The bartender opened our beer? Love him. That girl in the bathroom was in our freshman seminar? Love her. The person who’s engagement photos we stalked on Facebook but have never met in person before? Love you. (And your ring by the way.) In all these scenarios we love you and we’re not afraid to say it. We’ll shout/howl it from the rooftops, even if it means admitting to Facebook stalkery. But trust me, this won’t last long; it’s simply the calm before the storm.
4. They strut like peacocks.
When peacocks want attention they spread their feathers and work it. When drunk girls want attention they spread their… wallets and buy a skanky dress from H&M. Dancing on the bar, screaming song lyrics, befriending the DJ; it’s all deadly. When a girl wants attention, believe me — she’ll get it. Even if that means knocking you down on the dance floor. You’ve been warned.
5. They bite heads off like praying mantises.
The female praying mantis is known to bite her partner’s head off after mating. Luckily girls do not do this in the literal sense, but they will figuratively bite your head off like it’s their job. Want to test this theory? Go ahead and see what happens when you try taking a wasted friend home and her vodka-soda-splash-of-cranberry-clouded mind insists that she is having an awesome time and HAS to stay. She doesn’t seem to notice that the heel on one shoe broke off and… yep, her other foot’s bleeding. It’s not a good situation. And when I say it’s not a good situation, I’m not just talking about blood loss, I’m saying that we get MEAN. Not “leave me alone” mean, but “your ex-boyfriend told me you had cankles” mean. We will go there.
Although most guys think that women are pretty outwardly judgmental as it is, I can promise that there’s plenty more where that came from. There are about 12,000 other judgmental wheels turning in a female’s brain at all times. We’re not horrible people, it’s just how we’re wired. What makes us nice people/functioning members of society is our ability to limit these thoughts and see people for the traits that really matter. For the most part, I try to keep unfair judgements to a minimum, although none of my judgements are unfair (don’t ironically wear skinny suspenders and expect me to be open-minded about it). OK — so maybe when my sister and I people-watch at the airport we’re a little judgey. OK — we might as well be Don Rickles. (I think we once said that someone looked like a computer programmer who got hit with a pan.) And boyfriends: just get the f-ck out of the way when you see this tornado of judgement headed in your direction. We will bring up everything that you have ever done wrong in the history of your existence on this earth and by then you’ll be wishing we had literally bitten your head off.
6. They cry like elephants.
First of all, google imaging “elephants crying” is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I have a really strong affinity for all things elephant because they are majestic, oversized, and sassy; what’s not to love? Somewhere along the way I learned that elephants are one of the few animals that produce tears of sadness. The elephant cries after a member of the herd dies or they are reunited with a loved one. The drunk girl cries because the pizza delivery guy said she had to pay cash. On New Year’s Eve I cried because I wanted my Mom and she was two rooms away. And don’t even mention the fact that we’re single, because that is like opening pandora’s box of issues/tissues. It’s no secret that women are emotional creatures who feel a lot of feelings, so don’t act surprised when a little vino opens the flood gates. (I recommend a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio and this.
7. They eat like dinosaurs.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry drunk girl. A drunk girl who wants (NEEDS) food is more dangerous then an angry dinosaur who wants her stolen egg back. (We’ve all seen The Flinstones Movie. You haven’t? You don’t get my obscure references? Too bad.) I eat a lot sober so it’s no surprise that after a night of drinking I inhale whatever’s in front of me. But luckily, drunk eating is not the worst for girls like me; it’s the worst for girls who survive primarily on lettuce. When these girls get drunk, let me tell you, they LET LOOSE. I’ve seen a 5’2”, 110 lb. girl eat 3 pieces of pizza, two quesadillas, and and a half pan of brownies in under eight minutes. That’s more caloric action than that girl’s gotten in the last three months. Drinking lowers our eating inhibitions by erasing all the caloric information we’ve spent years obtaining. And not only is our caloric guard down, but drinking is like taking some magic pill that makes even the shittiest pizza (only ordered because the place is open ‘til 4 a.m.) taste like it was cooked by Mario Batalli. Try ordering whatever delicious thing you ate last night the following day. I’ve done it and trust me, you will not be happy. Jimmy John’s is not meant to be eaten in the light of day.
8. They hibernate like bears.
I have never passed out from drinking. I have, however, fallen asleep quite often. And once we’re “asleep” there is no turning back. Once both eyes shut, we are officially dead weight that can only be moved by the strength of two large lumberjacks. Go ahead, try waking us up; it’s not gonna happen. We’ve stored up on chicken tenders and mozz sticks for the long winter’s nap; do not wake us until morning.
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These discourses, these models of life, are insidious, egregious, and soul crushing.
I cannot see the middle of a relationship at the beginning, but I can see the end from the middle. I know that there will be an end. There has to be. This is just a stop on the road.
I could walk to Celebrate Brooklyn all summer along. I’d learn how to start running. I’d eat meals of happy chickens at the commune across the street.
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