8 Reasons You Are Single

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1. You hate people.

You are often overwhelmed with poignant little moments — usually while doing more banal, everyday things, such as waiting in the grocery store checkout line — where you remember just how much every other person around you makes you kind of want to kill yourself a little bit. There is a certain comfort in knowing that you’re single, because it means, more than ever before, that you have no attachments to consider when it comes to barring yourself in your apartment with Netflix and a Domino’s order that would have a place on Hoarders, also known as the only activity which reliably makes you feel positive about life in general.

2. People hate you.

At some point during your festering hatred of all of humanity, people started realizing that you didn’t like them, and began disliking you in return. Perhaps it is your constant state of bitch face and go-to wardrobe of yoga pants and a “fuck you” hoodie which make it all the more clear just how much you don’t need anyone’s approval, or perhaps it is a pheromone which radiates off of you like comic book stink lines and seems to say “I can’t think of a single animal I like less than my coworkers.” Whatever it is, the point is clear. And while it can be satisfying to feel a hatred so clearly reciprocated in kind, it’s a tough cycle to break.

3. Your life is a friend zone.

Whether you’re one of the Nice Guys who take pictures of themselves wearing a fedora and complaining about how shallow women are with no irony, or you’re a walking Taylor Swift song who thinks every girl who manages to get a boyfriend when you don’t is an evil slut, you are just not making it to the “romance” stage. For some reason, everyone you want to date is leaving you out to dry in that awkward middle ground between “we don’t really talk to each other” and “we see each other naked on a regular basis.” It’s all the agony of having to hear about your beloved’s romantic tribulations without getting to touch some titties/weenie afterwards, and it has become your life’s calling.

4. Caring about people is a lot of work.

I mean, in theory, you could be calling someone at lunchtime every day to find out what they want to do for dinner this evening and having a mundane back-and-forth about restaurant vs. cooking vs. ordering in, which includes having to compromise on your personal tastes and preferences because you must take their opinion into consideration. You could be making decisions based on consensus, and learning to think about people other than yourself. You could be operating as one-half of a fine-tuned unit who has gotten the whole “being respectful of someone else’s beliefs and feelings” thing down to a science. Or, you could be drinking a bottle of wine for one and then going on a whim with a friend to see a Quentin Tarantino movie and throwing popcorn at the heads of the gleeful fanboys littered throughout the audience. The choice is clear, I believe.

5. You have other shit to do.

I don’t know, man, maybe it’s just time that you focused on your career for a while. You’ve got shit to do, coworkers to backstab, and metaphorical ladders to climb. It’s not going to be nearly as easy to put your nose to the grindstone and get those 70-hour workweeks in which lead to the promotion you’ve been going for for the past year if you’re too caught up in whether or not beb back home is still giving you the silent treatment over your fight in IKEA. It’s time for you to just wipe that romantic slate clean and focus on the stuff that really matters, such as making a fuckton of money and building a portfolio that would make an HR rep weep with joy.

6. You got dumped.

Someone was basically like “Hey, person who loves me deeply — gonna have to ruin your life right quick so I can get to all this ‘banging other people’ I’ve been meaning to do. Hope we can still have sex occasionally which gives you a vague-yet-unsustainable hope for our non-existent future! Peace!” And now you’re single, despite having no choice in the matter.

7. No one is worth it.

Sure, you could be going through your OKCupid messages like a Roman emperor picking out which of his beloved slaves is going to go fight a lion this afternoon, but you’re not. It’s just that you are not trying to settle, and going out on a date with someone you’re not actually into — aside from the potential of getting a free meal, which is always tempting, because food — is more depressing than doing nothing at all. It’s not for lack of opportunity that you are going on a self-imposed dry spell, it’s for lack of motivation to shack up with a flesh-eating bacteria of a significant other just to pass the time.

8. You’re actually happier alone.

Despite the world constantly barraging you with messages along the lines of “Better find someone who’s willing to have sex with you and then proceed to admit it publicly before you die alone and worthless!! :)” you are perfectly happy being at a place in your life with no partner. You have no desire to get into a relationship for a variety of reasons, the most salient of which being “it just doesn’t interest you.” And whether you’re the kind of person who doesn’t ever envision long-term love, or just doesn’t want it at this stage of the game, no amount of women’s interest magazine cajoling and Tiffany’s advertisements is going to sway you. Ride on, you golden unicorn, and don’t let anyone dissuade you from getting a cat.

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