7 People You Don’t Want To Be During The Holidays
1. A Retail Employee
The only thing worse than shopping amongst the herds of aggressive consumers and waiting in crazy, long lines is having to be the person at end of that register; checking them out and scrambling around the store, cleaning up the disasters they’ve left behind.
Something about the holidays makes people take messiness to the next level. Shoppers rummage through stores, throwing and tossing until mass amounts of clothes, hangers, shoes and the former boxes they resided in, decorate the floor in depressing piles. It’ll take 30 minutes after you were scheduled to get off to clean this up, but if you want to see the bright side, at least you have a job. That being said, you can recognize that the grass is green where you are, and still get aggravated when someone lets their dog take a sh-t in your yard.
2. A Person Who Was Recently Dumped By A Guy Or Girl Named Noel
When you get dumped and want to forget that person ever existed, it’s best that you don’t have to see and hear their name popup EVERYWHERE. On mugs, on decorations, in songs playing on the radio, in seasonal movies – you can’t escape it! It’s a unisex name too, so for all of the male and female Noel’s out there, if you’d be so kind as to delay your breakup plans until after the new year, it’d be much appreciated by those of us with non-holiday-related names.
**Getting dumped around Halloween by a boyfriend/girlfriend you regularly referred to as your “BOO” is probably pretty crappy too.
3. The Person Stuck Being Away From Their Family
When you’re there they’re so annoying or dramatic or whatever – but when you can’t be around ‘em you’ll miss that dysfunctional “family” dearly. If there are conditions preventing you from experiencing holiday festivities with those you’re closest to, it’s then that you’re like, damn, I miss Mom’s invasive questions and Aunt so-and-so’s condescending remarks.
It’s cool to have friends that’ll adopt you and invite you to meals or gatherings, but it’s really not the same… And it’s a shame when we don’t realize this until being amongst family isn’t even an option.
4. The Consistently Sick Guy/Girl
Apparently cool weather is some of our immune system’s indicator that it can take a lengthy vacation or half-ass work, with the consistency of a looks based, off-and-on relationship. Coughing, sneezing, runny noses during the day, stuffed noses at night – and your entire immune system is maxin’ and relaxin’ all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school.
You’d think that the spoonful’s of awful, syrupy medicines would serve as an angry text message to you’re immune system, calling upon their return. YO ENZYMES, WHERE U AT? HIT ME BACK BITCH! Also, getting sick around the holidays is the worst because nobody wants to be near you, despite your convincing pitch that “it’s probably just allergies.”
5. The Last Minute Shopper
Every year shopping during what’s considered “late,” or “last minute,” becomes just a little bit earlier. Nowadays it seems like from Black Friday on things are pretty hectic, which means pre-Thanksgiving shopping may be the best route. If you’re too lazy to attempt going in public and a procrastinator shopper like myself, surely you’re already aware of the absolute latest date that you can order something from Amazon, and still have it delivered by Christmas.
6. Driving In A Busy Parking Lot
As far as disappointing feelings in life go, thinking you’ve found an empty parking spot, only to be greeted by some absurdly tiny vehicle has got to rank somewhere in the top three. You really get a grasp of how many freakin’ humans there are when you attempt to park at a mall in December. You’ll think, damn, I could’ve just got this stuff on Amazon… Be prepared for maximum frustration when you settle for spot two miles away and someone backs out of THE closest spot you can park in without being handicap.
7. The Person With A December Birthday
Those people who you think are your friends and family won’t hesitate to pull some of the most unethical gift giving shenanigans in December. They’ll hand you one gift, and claim that it’s for two separate occasions. Your birthday and Christmas — although two entirely different celebrations, are only worthy of one gift. I know, I know — that sounds so ungrateful, but if a person born in June would’ve gotten separate gifts, why shouldn’t December babies?! That’s like, discrimination or something. So yeah, basically what this means is that your parents screwed in March and now you get screwed every December.
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I would rather jump around and sweat my body to a Lady Gaga song. Yoga is so overrated.
13. ‘Wilmer Valderrama Presents Yo Momma: The Movie’
4. When I mentioned my idea of applying for a competitive writing fellowship in addition to graduate programs, and you told me I shouldn’t.
Women want to see you in social situations, outdoors doing manly activities, on a boat holding a fish, ANYTHING that indicates you’ve got a life.