7 Fashions I Can’t Pull Off

May. 29, 2012

By Sydney Nikols info

She writes funny lists for her blog enlisted.tumblr.com as well as offensively girly articles for eHow Style. ...

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Fashion is by no means a major interest of mine, but I do like to look a) like I didn’t just fall out of my bed in a fit of nightmares and tears and b) like I’m semi-aware of what’s happening in the world. While some fashionable items fit right into my comfort zone (hello flowy, accommodating button-up! Nice to meet you spandex non-pants!) others make me feel like I’ve been parachuted into Afghanistan with nothing but a water gun and a 100 Calorie Pack. These items are:

1. Leotard dresses

You know the type: those block-colored, skin-tight things baby-adults are forever wearing in American Apparel ads whilst creepily eye f-cking you. I know I shouldn’t stoop this low, but sometimes I just wanna eye f-ck people in a leotard dress, you know? Unfortunately, my ab muscles decided there were six more weeks of winter like 14 years ago, and I have hips and boobs. My life is so hard.

2. Winter hats

Winter makes my ears feel like they’re going to walk out on the rest of my head, but I refuse to invest in wool caps because they make me look like a fetus. I don’t want to look like a fetus. I want to look like a real adult. (Side note: the whole fedora thing doesn’t work on me either. Instead of looking like a fetus, I just look like a Jonas brother. Which is pretty much the same thing. So yeah, all hats make me look like a fetus.)

3. Ray bans

Ray bans are like potatoes or backyard pools or Forgetting Sarah Marshall — a wide variety of people enjoy them and understand how to appropriately apply them to their lives. It follows, then, that they look like total dick on me. The sunglasses that work best with my face shape usually look like a Spice Girl used to wear them on her day off — they are huge, pastel-colored, and often covered in gems. Basically, they’ve carved a niche out for me at Claire’s.

4. Stilettos

I can’t walk in them and I’m unwilling to sit on a bar stool my entire life with my legs and eyes crossed, so these are a no-go for me.

5. Clutch Purses

These make no sense to me — I carry purses so that I don’t have to hold anything in my hands, so why would I invest in a bag that I have to keep a grip on? Come on, it’s a Friday night and my hands are busy — the left one’s carrying a drink, and if the right one isn’t also carrying a drink its probably ironically slapping my friend’s ass or less ironically fist pumping in the air. My feelings about the handbag world just caused me to realize I’m a terrible person.

6. Flowy pants

I imagine these would be a fun thing to own because a) they’re so breathable you would feel as naked as a newborn and b) you could strap most of what you own to your legs and nobody would suspect a thing. Maybe I’m glad I can’t pull these off, though. I mean, they’re weird. They just are. Why is the fashion world always trying to coax us to wear weird things?

7. “Fun” eye makeup

Seeing as how I am 22 years old and still don’t know how to apply eyeliner, eye shadows in any shade that can’t be described as “natural” or “earthy” are pretty much out of the picture for me. Every season there’s a “new hip color for your lidz!!!!!!!!” and I hover in the corner with my 6-month-old, overly-ripe mascara wand like a lost 5-year-old in a mall. Where is my mother and the nearest pretzel stand? I’m tired of putting fancy things on my face. TC mark

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image – American Apparel

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  • Anonymous

    Sucks for you hehehe! 

    • Guest

      dislike

  • Jameshasgirlyhips

    I can’t pull off suits….I end up looking like a former child star.One you know was in something in the 90′s…You just can’t remember what.

  • http://twitter.com/meta_bro meta_bro

    Haha <3

  • Cel

    Flowy pants are amazing though.  It’s like being naked, but not offending anyone!

  • WHY?

    Hahaha! I used to feel awkard wearing make up in my early twenties. When I was 18 I only wore mascara and face shimmer. Eye liner was rarely used. I’m much better with coloured eye liner now but I am such a whimp when it comes to using eye shadow. I only use black or brown. None of this green eye shadow garbage. Red eye shadow? Please… I don’t wanna strut around like I have an eye lid infection.

    The same feelings are shared on raybans too. Also maxi dresses piss me off. I happen to be very short for my height so most fashions that flatter women’s figures are also too tall for me. I never liked shopping in an adult store because it always meant I had to shop from the teens/youth area.

    • Rylee Clark

      Genuinely curious – how you “short for your height?”

  • Anonymous

    The clutch bag point is so , so true…although I suppose you could use it to ironically hit your friend’s ass or less ironically fist pump thus killing two birds with one stone?

  • http://messed-up-hottness.tumblr.com/ Mac Allison

    don’t hate on the flowy pants, they help facilatate conversation

    • Gurl

      Haha! This is the first thing I thought of when I read about the flowy pants!

  • Carmen

    You must be my missing twin. My friend dragged me into Sephora and I maybesorta almost had an anxiety attack just looking at the brushes.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    Please add “Sports Team Mascot Costume with Removable Crotch” to this list, gurllll

  • Jiya

    Rompers with wide hips are a no no. 

    • Jasmine

      SO TRUE. rompers were made for literally everyone BUT pear-shaped girls.

  • SaraLily

    i agree with the winter hats but for other reasons. i have what i like to call a jewfro – extremely curly hair given to me by my mother. if i want to wear a hat of any sort (i like to every now and then!) i have to make sure i will want it on ALL DAY. otherwise, it’s a no-go. wearing a hat just gives me the worst hat hair. this seems to be a trait with curly hair. if i wear a hat and take it off after an hour or so of wearing it, my hair will not look the same as when it went on. the bottom parts that were visible outside the hat will, but the parts that were covered by said hat? DESTROYED. Flattened. It’s terrible. So the winter hat concept (assuming it is worn for warmth and taken off once indoors) will never work with me!

  • Sophia

    All of these. Just all of them. Yes.

  • Kaya

    I visited your website out of curiosity and lucky for you, you don’t need “fun” eye makeup to distract from a less than pretty visage. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/discobiscuits93 Kayla Ann Stockman

    Leotard dresses! Oh man. Sometimes I wish I could wear things like that too. I want to be able to wear bandeaus and bralettes, but my boobs are too big. And they’re not even that big.

  • Hannah Levin

    ok

  • -Devjock

    Better to mention this first; I’m a he.
    1) I’d try to pull off a leotard dress. If I’m on a drag party.
    2) Winter Hats, Beanies, etc.. but especially skate helmets make me look like I have a giant Shroom on my head. Agreed; Fetus look forever.
    3) Ray Ban’s make me look like the una bomber.. Therefor, agreed..
    4) I can walk on stiletto’s. But I won’t. Unless see (1)..
    5) My daily carry is an 80 litre outdoors type backpack filled with random shit I don’t need. But it’s an EPIC conversation starter. Clutch purse? Pff.. I call my backpack a BoA. The Bag of Awesome. Also, carrying 50 kilo’s around makes me pretty damn fit.
    6) Flowy pants? Who doesn’t want to look like Alladin!? Why did Stuka have to go out of business?
    7) I Seriously dig girls who don’t wear make up. Don’t hide the flaws, make a story for each and every one of them. I wear my scars like pride bracelets.

    great read Sydney ;)

  • Ramon Mcclimens

    I really love Jonas Brothers because they are so talented and they look great too. My daughter loves them so much that she has those jonas brothers posters pasted on their rooms. ;`’,. Till next time health and well being site

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