5 Types Of People Who Make Me Feel Violently Insecure

Mar. 15, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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1. People who can dance

The only thing I accomplish on the dance floor is scaring everyone who’s in a five mile radius of me. I’m not a black swan. Hell, I’m not even a Jessica Simpson. I can’t dance for crap which feels practically sinful for a gay dude. We apparently L-O-V-E to dance. We hit the floor and dance until the club shuts down and/or we run out of drugs! (JK!) Except for me, of course. I just stand in the corner until I’ve consumed enough alcohol to shut down my liver. Then I mosey on over to my friends who can dance and do this halfhearted wobbly thing that looks like a dying glitter rainbow. It sucks. If someone asks me to dance, I just scream and attempt to moonwalk out of there. When I see people effortlessly shaking their ass I get so jealous and sad. Why couldn’t I blessed with good moves? The only dance parties I have are in the privacy of my room and even those probably terrify the neighbors.

2. People who have a lot of sex. Like a lot of it.

A few of my friends have a lot of sex. They go on dates with new people every week and are always sleeping with SOMEONE. They’re so blase about it that they don’t even feel the need to mention it. It’s just expected that they’re always having sex. With me, however, it’s the opposite. When I get lucky, I have to make a (private) Facebook event invitation for all of my friends that says, “The “Ryan O’Connell Had Sex Last Night” Brunch.” Are you attending because I NEED to talk about it. Okay, I’m 75% kidding about that but still. I’m fascinated and envious of people who always manage to have healthy amounts of sex. I want to know how they do it but I also just want them to go far away from me so I can stop feeling bad about myself.

3. People who are always in a relationship

This is obviously an extension of that last type of person. But on the real, how do people manage to jump from relationship to relationship so seamlessly? They tell you things like “The longest I’ve ever been single is like a month!” and you examine them, hoping to unearth some secret to their success but you can’t. In fact the “always in a relationship” person is usually only medium-cute but they clearly have something that attracts long-term relationships. Getting a BF/GF has always been super easy for them and they can’t understand anything different. I know I shouldn’t feel insecure about this. Usually these people are insecure themselves and can’t stand being alone. But whatever. Emotionally, I’m devastated by their ability to get into relationships like it ain’t no thang.

4. WASPs

Oh, you grew up really wealthy with summer homes? You’re family friends with the Kennedy’s? Cool, my parents have no friends. We barely had a year-round home, let alone a summer one. But I’m really happy that guys go to Maine every summer and have family reunions and stuff. I’m glad that your mom wears Isabel Marant and you have Christmas dinner at The Four Seasons. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting my inadequacies for dinner at Red Lobster.

5. People who are invited to “cool kid” parties

To be fair, these people are usually douchebags with a capital D. Seriously, 80% of the time I hang out with someone who’s a stupid It Girl (it’s happened like twice), I’m always shocked by how dull they are. They just sit there blank faced, talking about their ex-boyfriend drama or whether or not someone can get coke and I’m just like “Can you go back to the Internet? I like you better there.” But I can’t help but be a little jealous when peers of mine are friends with super cool writers and musicians while I’m just at home listening to shoegaze in the bathtub for the millionth time. HOW DO I BREAK IN TO THIS CROWD? Does it involve leaving my apartment? Because I just don’t know how I feel about that…TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Hannah-Moire/100002582319456 Hannah Moire

    “HOW DO I BREAK IN TO THIS CROWD? Does it involve leaving my apartment? Because I just don’t know how I feel about that…”

    Haha! That sealed it. We share this dilemma but I’m reconsidering if it’s worth the effort. Mostly it’s not.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    Gay and can’t dance? That’s like being an albino tiger in the jungle. Learn to dance! It’s easy and fun.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Hannah-Moire/100002582319456 Hannah Moire

      Easy to make a fool out of yourself is what you mean, right? Haha

  • Roy

    Funny… particularly the leaving home part! :)

  • http://twitter.com/Amphx AnnaMariaPhilippeaux

    Number 3 is me me me. I try and focus on the fact that people like this are always equally insecure about something else, but then I always go back to “…but what are they doing that I’m not doing???” Then I continue analyzing this individual’s personal style, posture, opinions, facial expressions, gestures, interests, talents, bone structure, and speech patterns and look for the answer. It’s so stupid, but I do it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Hannah-Moire/100002582319456 Hannah Moire

      As do I.

  • rb

    One of the best ones Iv’e read.

  • Dean

    I thought this was supposed to be an article about you, not me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=727725625 Tanya Eunice

    to be in a relationship all the time just turn into a doormat 

  • Anonymous

    I was a little worried at the beginning that you would just talk about drugs again, but the rest was great haha. Good job. 

  • Anonymous

    #4 is a serious problem I have, except to up the discomfort, I imagine they can smell how poor I am and are secretly wondering why I didn’t come in through the service entrance. 

  • eatbooksforbreakfast

    props where they are due, this was surprisingly funny

  • Anonymous

    Ryan whatever baby you are obviously a super-cool NYC writer dude. Are you serious? Don’t even. 

  • Guest

    “Seriously, 80% of the time I hang out with someone who’s a stupid It
    Girl (it’s happened like twice), I’m always shocked by how dull they
    are.”

    By writing the above sentence you are copping to attending “cool-kid parties.”

  • Egret Williams

    #2 I read I think was it was in NY Times about a 20-80 principle. Applied to the perceptions of college students that everyone else is having lots of great sex, when really 20% of the people are having 80% of the sex.

  • Anonymous

    Nothing wrong with a little shoegaze in the bath tub.

  • Anonymous

    #3′s kill me. I do NOT understand. Especially when they say things like “Oh I could never have a one night stand. I never did when I was single for those 2 months.”

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

    Can we be friends, Ryan?

  • JEReich

    WASPs scare the bejeezus out of me.  The only thing I appreciate about WASPs is the general permission to wear pastel-colored Oxford polos.  I’m not even certain of it — I am a Jew, of course.  No country clubs for this Miss.  

    • Blisterboy_34

      MAN in toronto there are soooooooooooooo many jewish wops…oh sorry i meant WASPS and they snobby a.f but some are kewl and 99% are cheap fuckers XD

  • JEReich

    P.S. I’m pretty sure that you, me, Josh G. and Gaby D. could just order GrubHub, watch Netflix, and drink 40s and deem it a “cool kid” party.  As long as Gaby live-tweets it, of course.

    • Blisterboy_34

      Hey, um im a rap recording artist, blah blah blah and im always at those parties or the center of attention and the thing is, we dont give a rats ass if what we do is cool, thats why its cool, if your worrying about how to make your shit cool then youve missed the point, its not suppose to be cool its suppose to be fun and the coolest people, who are usually the dumbest are cool because they can feed an audience miles of bullshit without worrying about if hes cool or notm thats why stupid people think this type of person is cool

  • Billieholiday

    ryan o connell, i appreciate you.

  • ANG

    OFF TOPIC: Where did Brandon Scott Gorrell go?

     

    • Ryan O’Connell

      HE’S SITTING NEXT TO ME. HE’S AN EDITOR HERE BABE.

      • ANG

        (oh my god did ryan o’connell  just respond to my message….)

        THANKS BEB

  • Sophia

    My theory is that people who are always in relationships aren’t doing it right. It’s supposed to hurt when it ends. If it doesn’t, you’re not investing yourself enough.

  • Garance

    Ryan, thank you for making me laugh out loud everyday.

  • MD

    Hey, Red Lobster ain’t cheap!!! :)

  • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of amemory

    I’ll listen to shoegaze with you…

  • Anonymous

    Okay, in terms of people who are in relationships all the time — usually they are just very nice (at least the ones that are my friends are like that). Because they are nice, they attract nice people, and they get along with a lot of people, so if someone shows romantic interest, or they show romantic interest in someone, it is flattering and nice from both sides.  It also helps that these people are socially adept enough to know when someone is showing interest or when someone would potentially react well to their interest, and are good at not caring if someone doesn’t show interest / rejects them…which seems kind of impossible, but is pretty easy when you let it happen enough.

    But yes, there are good and bad versions of this. I have friends who are just those type of people to get in a relationship (not because they are insecure, but if you have the chance, why not take it?) and other people who just NEED to be in a couple and can do so easily because they are kind of…boring in the long run (in the short run, they’re hot). 

    The people who aren’t either? We like to stay at home and/or watch too much TV. So we’re picky but we don’t give ourselves a big enough pool to pick from….

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