5 Things I Love On The Internet
1. Jon Hamm’s bulge
Newsflash: Jon Hamm has a giant dick. It’s not that surprising, considering whoever plays Don Draper is basically required to have a huge penis. When they were casting that role, I bet the casting directors were like, “Okay, now we have to see if your penis is big because this character requires it. He has a big dick mentality, so please drop trou and let us judge you accordingly.” I know for certain Jon Hamm is packing because homeboy never wears underwear and his big wiener flops around every red carpet he’s on. Really, it does. Check out this amazing tribute video to his bulge. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably excuse yourself for five minutes to go to the bathroom. Videos like this are what make me love the Internet. Close-ups of Jon Hamm’s penis through a $3,000 suit set against a sexy pop song? Yes, please! This also lends further credence to my theory that the Internet is solely controlled by gay men and 15-year-old girls.
2. The Jonas Brothers and their wonderful asses
While we’re on the subject of male celebrities and their beautiful body parts, I should mention that the Jonas brothers have amazing asses. I never paid any attention to them until I saw photos of them playing baseball and realized 2/3 of them were hot as hell! (Sorry Kevin but I’m just being real.) Apparently, I’m not the only one who enjoys their derrieres (ew) because there has been an entire Tumblr dedicated to Nick Jonas’ ass. I’m partial to Joe’s butt since it’s bigger but Nick’s is no slouch either. Peruse photos of him in the ocean, playing baseball, and taking off his shoes at airport security to get a better idea of what I’m talking about. If you’re a butt enthusiast, you’ll die and go to internet heaven. No, seriously, internet: THANK YOU. You have such a wicked sense of humor and high sex drive!
3. Discussion forums about drugs
I don’t do drugs anymore but when I did, I would try to be careful and go on this website called Bluelight — a discussion forum in which you can ask such burning questions as, “My face just went numb. What did I just smoke?” and “Can I mix Ecstasy and Xanax without dying?” Even if you aren’t needing answers yourself, it’s still a trip to look at some of the threads. Take this one for example: A dude asks, in all sincerity, where he should shoot up heroin on his body, since the veins in his arms are scarred up. Even though one person does make the obvious suggestion of going to rehab, he gets a few other responses that are genuinely helpful and articulate! A user that goes by “Nsauce” suggests doing the following:
Try this: turn the bath water on hot. Let the hot water run over your feet for a while, this will bring veins to the surface. Swipe w/alcohol and try a foot vein. Careful, they roll easily, if you can stabilize the vein with a finger (pull it in the direction it runs AWAY from the syringe) it might help too.”
He then adds that he should sterilize the injection site, as tubs often have mold and fungus, even if they appear to be clean. Jesus! It was written like it was a recipe for chocolate chip cookies! Maybe it’s me being morbid but I find this kind of stuff to be fascinating. And you don’t have to be shooting up heroin to find this site useful. Once I took an Ambien and remembered shortly afterward that I had also taken a Bendadryl. Since I had used the latter as a sleeping aid in the past, I was paranoid that combining the two would put me in a death sleep but after checking out Bluelight, I realized I was just being psycho. Yay! Thanks, Bluelight!
One of the most amazing things about the Internet is that it gives a platform to insane celebrities who have no business having a Wifi connection. Gwyneth Paltrow — a woman who was once considered to be an A-list actress and I guess still is… maybe — has had her career reduced to a punchline, thanks to her use of the Internet and her lifestyle newsletter, GOOP. In it, the WASPy Academy Award-winner doles out advice on how to make the perfect pizza oven (buy a pizza oven for your backyard, duh!) and where to stay if you happen to be in San Francisco (The Four Seasons obviously, although Paltrow acknowledges that the five star hotel can be a “bit hit or miss.”) It’s easy to hate on Paltrow for her bourgie lifestyle and utter lack of awareness of how the other 99% of the world lives but I kind of love it. The Internet is at its best when it’s being terrible anyway. If you’re not hate-loving 80% of the things you see, you’re looking at the wrong websites.
5. Chat Roulette
I first found out about Chat Roulette when I was living abroad after college. Homesick with an Internet connection, my best friend, who I was traveling with, and I would go on Chat Roulette on sleepless jet lag-induced nights and talk to randoms. It was so interesting being able to see all kinds of freaks from all across the world. And luckily for me, my best friend is a hot redhead, which meant that I got to see a lot of straight frat boys naked. Beautiful women have the most power on Chat Roulette. Men will disrobe and suck their own dick, if it means that there’s a slight chance that they’ll get to see some boob action.
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So in many ways, females have been conditioned to see other females as foes and competition first, and to wannabe guys’ girls.
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