5 Texts I Will Over-Analyze

1. “Ok.”

Excuse me? Ok? With a period? Are you kidding me? What did I ever do to you, you spectacular asshole? Here I am, glued to your hip of betrayal for the past (______ weeks), and you have the audacity to oh-so-tersely tell me “Ok.” when I ask you to meet me at 6 instead of 6:30? If you want me to go straight to hell, you can feel free to just say that; that’s what I read with your stabbing knives of pithy punctuation and your lackluster response to the idea of getting a drink with your fabulous girlfriend.

2. “Miss ya”

That’s the most outlandish lie I’ve ever read. Are we in 7th grade and is this AOL Instant Messenger? Am I too insignificant for you to spell out the actual word in all its impactful meaning, Y-O-U. Ya? As in “Hey Ya,” the Outkast song that came out during the only year this was acceptable to use in a text message? If you don’t miss me, don’t even bother with your tedious manipulation; I can take a hint.

3. “Call you later!”

I just called you. You can’t call me back, but you can text me back with an overeager exclamation point to tell me that even though you just sent me straight to voicemail (read: girlfriend purgatory), you’ll have plenty of time to talk about everything you ate that day in a few hours. You should have used an exclamation point when you texted me “ok” earlier, you moronic excuse for a man. Who are you sleeping with right now?

4. “Can’t wait”

Let’s travel back to text message two, where we discovered that you are a pathological liar with an insatiable thirst for deception. If you tell me you “can’t wait” for something but don’t use any punctuation to denote such excitement, I’m assuming you’re pouring sarcasm on top of hatred whilst watching a football game with a half-naked girl on your lap, doubled over in laughter with all your friends at my expense.

5. “:)”

A smiley face in place of actual, decodable words? You were just that overcome with emotion that instead of saying anything, your slovenly self decided to just type a colon and half a parentheses in response to some of the most mundane anecdotes from my day? If that’s all you have to say in response to my message revealing that I’m taking my dog to the vet, then maybe this twisted romance is the biggest mistake of my life after all. If that’s the best you can conjure, I’ll send my finely crafted messages elsewhere. Go to hell.

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