5 Jobs I Would Absolutely Never Take

1. Driving a party bus.

This job requires you to be three things at all times: sober, focused, and responsible for the lives of young people. I am hardly willing to be these things under normal circumstances, let alone while Ke$ha is playing and free booze is being doled out. The poor people who have decided this career track is worth it need a hug, or at least a packet of earplugs and some disinfectant.

2. Serving at a restaurant where they I.D. everyone, even the 80-year-olds.

This job would necessitate that you have the same conversation over and over until you just gave up and drowned yourself in a vat of cheesy spinach dip. “May I see your I.D. sir? Yes, you heard me correctly, we I.D. everyone. Oh, I’m glad you’re flattered! You don’t look a day over 40! Bla bla bla barf!!” Also, a secondary concern: this kind of place has to have terrible management, right? I mean, if they insist you I.D. 80-year-olds, what else are they insisting on behind the scenes — boot camp drills? Forced marriages? No Shave Novembers? The possibilities are horrifically endless.

3. Personal assisting.

No, thank you on doing menial bullshit for a rich person. I’m annoyed enough when I have to purchase personal hygiene products for myself, or deal with my own money things; why would I want to complete these tasks for someone else? Plus, this “someone else” is most likely a total raging asshole, or at least enough of a douche to make you sad that they own three vacation homes.

4. Being Chris Brown’s travel agent.

I realize there is a very slim chance this opportunity will pass my way, but it’s worth mentioning because he would be the most frustrating client. Have you heard “International Love”? In a song whose title contains the word “international,” he literally only names New York, L.A., and Miami. As his travel agent, I imagine him calling me and saying “I’m tryna go somewhere rull lush and exotic. You got anything in Des Moines where the sun shine?” at which point I would reply, “Yes, the lawns of the county correctional center. Let’s hasten the inevitable before the world has to suffer from your ignorance any longer.”

5. Dog walking.

I understand why people fall into this gig — after all, “who doesn’t love animals!!!!!!!” and “it’s so flexible!!!!!1” However, let’s shove aside our visions of rolling around in a lush park with a baby labradoodle and actually examine the facts: your sole task is to drag around 10 animals on 10 separate leashes with the intentions of coaxing them to piss. If this situation doesn’t make you question your self-worth, nothing will.

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