26 Excuses There Were For Drinking Last Weekend

1. It was an accident.
2. It’s either this or the drugs, damn it. IT’S EITHER THIS OR THE DRUGS!
3. Easter primarily involves two components: spending time with my family and activities based on the mistaken assumption that playing with eggs is fun. So, yeah, I’m going to need to be drinking for this one.
4. Drinking builds character and will improve my writing. I’m halfway through Ernest Hemingway’s biography, and this strategy has been working like gangbusters for him so far — I can’t wait to finish it, so don’t spoil the ending for me!
5. Those cigarettes I bought last weekend aren’t gonna smoke themselves.
6. I gave up being sober for Lent.
7. I compensated for the caloric intake of eleven beers by sleeping through breakfast the following morning. And lunch.
8. I kept thinking that if I just had one more drink, I would start having a good time. While the results of this experiment were disappointing, I must congratulate myself on my unwavering persistence.
9. I haven’t woken up feeling ashamed of myself in a while.
10. I’m putting an absurd amount of stock in the Mayan’s prediction that we’re all gonna die in like eight months, anyway.
11. I had sexts to send.
12. I had made a steadfast decision not to go out drinking, and then I accidentally caught Beerfest/ Dazed and Confused/ Animal House/ Old School/ The Legend of Drunken Master on cable and had a change of heart.
13. I was bored.
14. Have you tried hanging out with your friends sober recently? Surprisingly unfulfilling.
15. I love people watching, and nothing beats discretely eavesdropping and observing drunken strangers in a bar. Poop-flinging monkeys are more inhibited than some of the people I saw out this weekend.
16. I wasn’t going to start that thesis paper for my graduate seminar anyway, and binge drinking seems like a better excuse than Sporcle.
17. I heard someone listening to “Last Friday Night” in a passing car and got amped.
18. Although I’m 24 years old, I crumble under peer pressure easier than a ten-year-old cajoled into smoking his first cigarette.
19. If it’s good enough for William Holden, it’s freaking good enough for me.
20. If I don’t get it out of the way over the weekend, I have overwhelming urges to drink during the middle of the work week. And that’s just worse for everyone.
21. I’m a “the glass if half-full” kind of guy. And if the glass is half-full, somebody might as well drink the rest of it. And that somebody might as well be me. And then I might as well continue drinking for the next nine hours.
22. It’s the bee’s knees.
23. My Paxil medication says, “Do Not Drink Alcoholic Beverages While on this Medication,” but I can never tell if those pranksters at the Paxil Corp. are kidding or not.
24. Somehow, willfully relinquishing control over my actions and behavior makes me feel like I have more control over my life.
25. It was the only reasonable explanation I could find for eating Chinese food in my bathtub at 4:00 in the morning. Kind of a “the end justifies the means” situation going on here.
26. I was aiming for that perfect balance of being drunk enough to find the courage to talk to her, but not so drunk that my penis would enter a mild coma; one out of two ain’t bad.

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