26 Excuses There Were For Drinking Last Weekend
- It was an accident.
- It’s either this or the drugs, damn it. IT’S EITHER THIS OR THE DRUGS!
- Easter primarily involves two components: spending time with my family and activities based on the mistaken assumption that playing with eggs is fun. So, yeah, I’m going to need to be drinking for this one.
- Drinking builds character and will improve my writing. I’m halfway through Ernest Hemingway’s biography, and this strategy has been working like gangbusters for him so far — I can’t wait to finish it, so don’t spoil the ending for me!
- Those cigarettes I bought last weekend aren’t gonna smoke themselves.
- I gave up being sober for Lent.
- I compensated for the caloric intake of eleven beers by sleeping through breakfast the following morning. And lunch.
- I kept thinking that if I just had one more drink, I would start having a good time. While the results of this experiment were disappointing, I must congratulate myself on my unwavering persistence.
- I haven’t woken up feeling ashamed of myself in a while.
- I’m putting an absurd amount of stock in the Mayan’s prediction that we’re all gonna die in like eight months, anyway.
- I had sexts to send.
- I had made a steadfast decision not to go out drinking, and then I accidentally caught Beerfest/ Dazed and Confused/ Animal House/ Old School/ The Legend of Drunken Master on cable and had a change of heart.
- I was bored.
- Have you tried hanging out with your friends sober recently? Surprisingly unfulfilling.
- I love people watching, and nothing beats discretely eavesdropping and observing drunken strangers in a bar. Poop-flinging monkeys are more inhibited than some of the people I saw out this weekend.
- I wasn’t going to start that thesis paper for my graduate seminar anyway, and binge drinking seems like a better excuse than Sporcle.
- I heard someone listening to “Last Friday Night” in a passing car and got amped.
- Although I’m 24 years old, I crumble under peer pressure easier than a ten-year-old cajoled into smoking his first cigarette.
- If it’s good enough for William Holden, it’s freaking good enough for me.
- If I don’t get it out of the way over the weekend, I have overwhelming urges to drink during the middle of the work week. And that’s just worse for everyone.
- I’m a “the glass if half-full” kind of guy. And if the glass is half-full, somebody might as well drink the rest of it. And that somebody might as well be me. And then I might as well continue drinking for the next nine hours.
- It’s the bee’s knees.
- My Paxil medication says, “Do Not Drink Alcoholic Beverages While on this Medication,” but I can never tell if those pranksters at the Paxil Corp. are kidding or not.
- Somehow, willfully relinquishing control over my actions and behavior makes me feel like I have more control over my life.
- It was the only reasonable explanation I could find for eating Chinese food in my bathtub at 4:00 in the morning. Kind of a “the end justifies the means” situation going on here.
- I was aiming for that perfect balance of being drunk enough to find the courage to talk to her, but not so drunk that my penis would enter a mild coma; one out of two ain’t bad.
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