25 Olympic Events I Could Actually Win
1. AMC Marathon-watching (while wrapped in a blanket, as per regulations).
2. Gesturing wildly and mouthing, “What the f-ck?!” to people who cut you off on exit ramps.
3. 100-meter walk between your laptop and the corner store to get some chips.
4. Red light hair-styling/makeup application while you look in your rearview mirror saying “Dammit dammit dammit.”
5. Telling anyone who will listen how many feelings you have about Game of Thrones.
6. Resenting someone for an entire day when you call them and they text you back, “Hey.” (Bitch, you are not too important for me, what do you even think this is?)
7. Watching The Real Housewives and hating yourself with it.
8. The Triathlon: Saying you’re totally not going to go out, going out anyway, and proceeding to get way, way too drunk.
9. Post-triathlon cold pizza eating.
10. Calling your best friend to tell them this absurd thing you saw that you simply cannot judge alone, and need someone with whom to judge judge judge about it.
11. Spilling something — not a lot, but enough to notice if you look right at it — on yourself every.single.time.you.go.out.
12. Long-distance losing your sunglasses.
13. Freestyle picking up a new hobby for about two weeks, only to kind of just drop it with a vague, “Meh, I could be napping right now.”
14. Creeping Facebooks of pretty girls and being like, “Christ, they are so pretty.”
15. Marathon-putting Bugles on each one of your fingers and cackling like a witch.
16. Staring at your gas tank meter and begging it to make it to the next gas station while praying to several Gods which you do not believe in.
17. Being overall kind of irritated with Bret Easton Ellis, but loving Christian Bale naked in American Psycho, so considering it a wash.
18. Considering writing a rebuttal to an insane Tumblr Social Justice blogger, and then remembering that you don’t care that much, and going outside.
19. Hovering over the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube videos until you can click it.
20. 500-meter trip to the Chipotle when you, yet again, forget to pack a lunch for work and now have to spend all this money on food that isn’t even good for you, grumble grumble grumble.
21. Remembering to say “Mhmm” occasionally while letting someone talk at the phone while you’ve set your handset down and are doing other things.
22. Marathon-looking at pictures of Ryan Lochte and Tom Daley and thinking about what a generous God ours truly is.
23. Being offended by the sport of beach volleyball in general.
24. Getting uncomfortable when someone makes the waiter just stand there and twiddle his thumbs while they look over the menu and take their sweet time choosing a meal.
25. Working out really hard one day, feeling all athletic and whatnot, and being like “DAMN DOES THAT EVER DESERVE A COOKIE.”
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Bonus points if you actually use different voices/accents for the different people in the imaginary conversation. That is a prestigious level of shower insanity.
I had a number of other essays I wanted to write tonight. There were other topics that deserved attention, essays I humbly felt might shed light on the human condition, on the difficulties and odd experiences we all deal with on a daily basis. But here I am, writing a defense of pubic hair.
6. The Usual Suspects
When your audience is this big, how can you really “know” it?