23 Things I Should Be Able To Do At 23 (But Can’t)
1. Parallel park.
2. Brush off a passive aggressive text like NBD instead of agonizing over what it “meant” for days. (Hint: nothing.)
3. Interpret criticism from my parents as “occasionally condescending but overall constructive” rather than “full-frontal personal attack.”
4. Make the connection between the amount of alcohol consumed and the projected ferocity of the hangover.
5. Make the connection between working out regularly (key: regularly) and not feeling like a bag of moldy asses.
6. Curl my own hair without ending up like Shirley Temple or setting fire to my forehead.
7. Slice ridiculously large, confusing fruit (pineapples?) without hurting myself or people in the vicinity.
8. Understand that money not going directly toward rent, bills, or hollow but necessary needs does not automatically qualify as “fun money.”
9. Plan more than a month in advance without it seeming as laborious and nonsensical as solving a Rubik’s cube colorblind.
10. Hold a baby. Smile at a baby. Acknowledge a baby without rolling my eyes.
11. Realize that deleting the digital record will probably feel good for a minute but won’t erase their imprint on the heart.
12. Realize that “coping” really means “distracting yourself effectively until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
13. Realize that there will always be people who don’t get it and explaining it to them is always a boring waste of time.
14. Know how to sew on a button. Or fix anything at all.
15. Know the difference between the washing machine settings and perhaps even use them.
16. Know the difference between loving and being in love when both experiences arise.
17. Cancel my subscription to NYLON. (Just kidding, no. I’m going to channel my inner 17-year-old hipster from Ohio until my neon lipstick bleeds into my lip wrinkles.)
18. Say no to Russian guys wanting to go shot for shot.
19. Say no in general.
20. Stop going on Facebook when I’m sad or bored or nostalgic.
21. Stop going on the internet when I’m sad or bored or nostalgic.
22. Stop imagining idyllic futures with beautiful strangers.
23. Step outside of who I think I am for a while and just try doing something else.
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Your crush can sense your increasingly-frenetic desperation, and now has gone from the “They’re a cool friend, but I’m just not really interested in being romantically involved” stage to the “I cannot be alone in the same room with them, they’re going to harvest a lock of my body hair for witchcraft” stage.
I think women are less funny, but it’s not their fault. The audience at the festival didn’t laugh at jokes coming out of female mouths because those jokes were less funny.
3. Pretending to be “normal.”
“Real Life,” despite being the name of a recent facebook album, is decidedly a thing.