22 Signs You’re From Maryland
1. You are aware that the capital is not, in fact, Baltimore — no matter how much fame it gets relative to Annapolis.
2. You are aware of the almost inhuman joy that is looking at midshipmen, and have hung out at/around the Naval Academy on at least one occasion just to beautiful people-watch.
3. You have yet to encounter a food upon which you will not sprinkle Old Bay.
4. You get really snobby/kind of bitchy on the subject of crabs.
5. You know how much of a hassle it is to get people to make the trek to DC on a weekend night, but know that all of the good shows are going to be happening there.
6. You have a special place in your heart for both The Wire and Hairspray.
7. You regard John Waters in the way many people might regard Jesus, or at least Oprah.
8. You know how much of an unfortunate display of white trash Ocean City is (even if you’re slightly too classy to refer to it as “Ocean Shitty”) and know that it must be avoided at all costs — especially during Beach Week — unless you are looking to get a hangover made out of chlamydia.
9. You know that, aside from the aforementioned Ocean City, pretty much all of the Eastern Shore is kind of terrifying and rednecky.
10. You’ve been to Annapolis enough times to know that there are two kinds of sailors: legitimate sailors who love the sport, and douchebag “sailors” who love when you look at their big boat.
11. You have watched The Weather Channel enough times to know that during any given fall/spring storm, there will be 5 inches of rain to the east and 2 feet of inexplicable snow just a few miles to the west.
12. You are all about Crabbers.
13. You know that, deep down, we have by far the sweetest state flag.
14. You know that, depending on the suburb of DC you end up driving through, you could either be surrounded by multi-millionaire ambassadors’ estates, or getting your car set on fire.
15. You know the reactions to acceptances into various Maryland institutions of higher learning. (UMD: Woo hoo!!! UMBC: Woo! Towson: Woo. Salisbury: Mmm. St Mary’s College: Don’t forget to bring your bong case!)
16. You have often considered suicide as a positive alternative to getting on the beltway during rush hour.
17. You know that there is no reason, under any circumstances, to ever go to Glen Burnie. (It is likely that you learned this after meeting a 22-year-old named Tammy with the greasy ponytail and two little caterpillar tendril-bangs coming down over her face , large butterfly tattoo on her lower back, and a boyfriend named Junior who deals meth/works at the Pep Boys — and realized that Glen Burnie is literally only comprised of this person, thousands of times over.)
18. You are extremely familiar with this commercial, in both its radio and television forms:
19. You are all about Ledo’s Pizza in every way a person can be about something.
20. You know people personally who are still deeply wounded by the Baltimore Colts scandal and who, by extension, will never truly embrace the Ravens.
21. You also know that this by no means implies they will love the Redskins, either.
22. You still always have hope for the Orioles somewhere in your heart, even though Cal Ripken, Jr was so very long ago.
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Fast & Furious 6 is incredible. I’m not even lying. Definitely go see it.
And I am not interested in torturing myself with questions of “What if he meets someone else?” I’m sure you will. And maybe you’ll manage to fool her for even longer than you did me.
You have to start thinking she’s average.
…A Smith Corona electric SL-580 typewriter, to be precise.