21 Things To Look For In An Ex-Boyfriend
1. Must be a premature ejaculator. Every time you have sex, he comes inside of you faster than you can say “I’m almost there!” Out of respect for him, you fib and tell your friends that the sex is incredible. The second the relationship is over though, you gleefully divulge the truth which is that sleeping with him felt like getting humped by your dog in the second grade. Also, his tongue felt like a salamander.
2. Your ex boyfriend must act insane at all times. Whenever you ask him what’s wrong, he tells you, “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I’m just crazy!” which effectively shuts down all further communication. It’s like a dog peeing on the rug and being like, “I’m a screw up! Where’s my prize?” SO MUCH FUN RIGHT? EVERYDAY IS A BLESSING WITH THIS FUCKER.
3. Must take 12 hours to text you back. In fact, most of your relationship felt like it was spent waiting by the phone. The best ex boyfriends are the ones who have no regard for other people’s time. So dreamy!
4. Must hate giving oral sex or any pleasure really that requires time, dedication, and selflessness. Any ex boyfriend who is worth their salt acts like a total lazy silent film in bed. “I’m sorry. Are we screwing or watching The English Patient? Not clear.”
5. Your ex boyfriend has to have the worst friends ever!!!!! And you have to hang out with all the time and watch them be terrible together!!!!! LOL!!!!!
6. Must hog the bed/sweat the bed/talk in his sleep/have night terrors.
7. Must have no real career aspirations other than to paint and live off your pussy/penis. OH MY GOD, THAT IS SUCH AN EX BOYFRIEND THING TO DO, AM I RIGHT LADIES AND GAY BOYS? SWOON…
8. Must make you feel self-conscious about your food consumption by asking you things like, “Are you really going to eat all that?”
9. Must be too drunk to fuck at least thee times a week. Someone get a Kama Sutra up in here! Your sex life with your ex is hotter than Trudie Styler and Sting’s!
10. Must always demand being the little spoon.
11. Must always make you feel like YOU’RE the crazy one because you have feelings and aren’t afraid to articulate them.
12. Must be a manipulative prick like Spencer Pratt who specializes in making you feel guilty 24/7. You’re always being made to feel like you’re screwing up and need to be a better partner when, in fact, it’s the opposite!!
13. Must always smell like B.O. and lack of future/crushed dreams.
14. Must be insanely jealous and possessive. However, you’re not allowed to say anything when he’s caught acting flirty! (OMG, THIS EX IS SO AMAZING. YOU ARE SO BLESSED.)
15. Must be colder than the Arctic Tundra. “Hon, if global warming is a real thing, why do you keep on getting icier and icier? I might need to open you up and see if there’s actually a heart in there! Where’s my stethoscope? Haha, JK, love you babe. Don’t be mad. I was only joking, sheesh! Babe?”
16. Must make you feel stupid in small and deliberate ways that are too subtle to pinpoint and address. Your ex majored in the drive by insult.
17. Must listen to Norah Jones.
18. Every time your ex sensed that you were at the end of your rope, he turned the charm back on to insure that you wouldn’t leave. This trick almost prevents your ex boyfriend from actually ever becoming your ex. Sexy, sneaky lil’ devils!
19. Must watch Fox News on the DL when he thinks nobody is looking. Your ex is a secret conservative. Don’t let the Bill Maher taped on the DVR fool you.
20. When looking for the perfect ex boyfriend, make sure you have devastatingly low self-esteem at the time. Great exes can sniff out your self-worth from a mile away!!!!
21. The best kind of exes are the ones that dump you, even though they were the asshole and you were just about do it yourself. It’s their parting gift to you, the final dump they take on your face.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.