21 Theories On Why The Club Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now

Jan. 11, 2012

By Laura Jayne Martin info

Laura lives and writes in NYC.

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  1. I have double pneumonia and the club is not medically equipped to handle me.
  2. The club’s upper body strength isn’t what it used to be.
  3. The club is not emotionally mature enough, but it thinks it can handle me after it goes on a trip to Australia.
  4. The club didn’t eat breakfast this morning.
  5. I am still technically a minor and the club already has two strikes.
  6. The club has really bad cramps and the club’s greedy roommate used all the Motrin.
  7. I’m radioactive.
  8. The club and I recently broke up, and the club saw like two other exes already today.
  9. My handles are really greasy from Belgian fries.
  10. I’m “the truth” and the club is Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.
  11. The club has a presentation due at 6 p.m. and can’t figure out how to get rid of the paper clip thing in PowerPoint because right click is broken on the club’s mouse.
  12. The club is having an existential crisis and it really can’t handle anything right now.
  13. I’m going to physically overwhelm the club using Krav Maga.
  14. The club has a pretty deep paper cut.
  15. I’m heavy machinery and the club just took a prescription sleep aid.
  16. The club is going through some really bad family stuff.
  17. My sleeve is on fire.
  18. The club actually can handle me, but the club is kind of a dick.
  19. The club is at capacity.
  20. I’m King Midas and if the club touches me, the club will turn to gold.
  21. The club doesn’t have hands. TC mark

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  • Stephanie

    #10… HILARIOUS.

  • Diamondsinthedark

    I like your thinking. Wish I’d thought of this.

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    Big ass LOL

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5229681 Jessica Murfin

    This is gold – thanks for the laugh today!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    17 is just about right

  • http://www.adrianmcmillan.com/blog Adrian McMillan

    This will be treasured forever, or at least when that song dies off.

  • Anonymous

    i’m reading this for the second time and it’s even funnier than the first. brilliant.

  • GA

    More song-titles over analyzed as articles plz.

  • http://www.lovelysim.com/ Lindsey

    Awesome!!!! I have a feeling the club could handle me quite nicely, but that doesn’t make for a very interesting song. 

  • Waicool

    “the club” is not on the list

  • http://twitter.com/_euphonic bernadetteee[:

    what song is this about? (i am serious. i didn’t realize it was about a song until i read the comments.)

  • Veronica

    Flo Rida’s “Club Can’t Handle Me.”

    #3 is my favorite, btw :)

  • Anonymous

    This is brilliant. 

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