20 “Sluttiest” Things People Have Done
Hooked up with three chicks one halloween night … dressed as an oompa loompa!
Not me, but witnessed it- my friend got a handjob on a crowded club dance floor that was pretty dark. Blew his load all over some other guys back. The other dude didn’t notice. The evil grin on my friends face, haunting…
Threesome with two guys I had just met. On the beach.
In college my roommate and I once f*cked a pair of girls at the same time. I was in a lofted bed across from his bed: we reached across the gap to pound it but it was too far, so we ended up touching fingers like God and Adam at the Sistine Chapel.
Successfully completed the coveted hat trick while I was in college – 3 females, 24 hours, all separate occasions
I was a freshman in college on my first marching band trip to our rival school. Now the football team and fans were always at each other’s throats, but the bands were tight. Each year, the other school’s band would visit for the football game and they would throw a party for the visiting band.
There’s at least 300 people crammed in that band house after the game. I start drinking and chilling with friends, meeting new people and shit. I notice a group of girls crowded in the corner and they would sometimes glance over in my direction and turn back to the circle giggling. I was a SAP at that point and I only had a few flings in college so far, so I had no fucking clue how to handle this situation. Luckily, one of the seniors from my band saw what was going on and gave me the rundown:
The senior lady section leader of the other band pick a rookie member of my band as their target. The goal? The first person in his pants, wins. Wins what you say? Alpha-female status? I don’t fucking know. Bottom line, I was the target, and everyone in my band knew it.
First girl comes on to me downstairs and we start making out. (Trombone section leader) After a while, she starts to lead me upstairs, but I am intercepted by the Piccolo section leader who brings me to the dance floor. She starts making out with me and puts my hand down her pants and starts feeling up my junk. Trombone section leader comes back and I was expecting a cat fight. Wrong. She joins in. The night wears on as I start to “meet” new girls and each attempt is getting more aggressive. At around 3:00 in the morning, I get dragged into the coat room by the piccolo section leader. She pushed me down on a pile of coats and had her way with me.
When I came out of that room, everyone who was still awake cheered for me. On the bus ride home, I felt like a fucking champion. The next four years in band, my reputation was solidified as “man-whore”.
TL;DR Band girls are slutty
Ok so this just happened last Friday. It’s been about 7 months since I’ve had sex, and the dating scene wasn’t going as expected. I got hammered while I was out drinking with buddies, and decided that I was getting laid that night.
I did what any not-at-all-self-respecting forever alone would have done – I hit Craigslist. For those who don’t know, you don’t search the “casual encounters” section on Craigslist when looking for casual sex because it is full of scammers. My best option was a hail mary on the general romance section. I looked for the most casual post that I could find (it very simply stated that she wanted to go out for drinks), and that’s who I emailed. She responded back immediately with her phone number, and from the moment she started speaking I knew that she was a mess.
We agreed that I would pick her up, since she didn’t have a car. Upon picking her up, she offered a blow job but said that we couldn’t go back to her place because she lived with her ex who was cheating on her (made no sense to me either, but I didn’t really care). My place was out of the question because of roommates, so I paid for a cheap hotel (around $40), and a 12 pack of Coors light.
So here I am, in this hotel room, with a female janitor whose face eerily resembles Gene Simmons. She’s completely wasted by this time (started drinking while waiting in the car for me to pay for the room), and spewing utterly incoherent nonsense. At one point she asks me to clean her toenails out with a key, because she likes when her boyfriend does that. Nope. Hell no. WTF?
Finally she gets down to business… but either she did not know how to give a blowjob, or she was so wasted that she thought my cock was an arcade joystick, because she continued to wag it back and forth like she was practicing her ultra combo. I stopped her, and asked to simply have sex instead. She agreed, laid on her back, and made this disturbing grunting noise as I fucked her.
I don’t know how I managed to actually finish with this woman, but I did. I immediately got up, threw the condom away and got dressed. She was still yammering on about her ex when I stepped out of the hotel room without saying a word. I got a call from her a half hour later, after realizing that I left. She left a voicemail that stated, “I need your help, I’m locked inside the room.”
I was on my way to being drunk at the bar when a cute girl started giving me “the eye”. We started dancing and eventually started making out on the dance floor (first time that had ever happened).
We made our way out to my car where we continued to make out. As we are about to leave, her friends come out and drag her away. Now, I had just been kissing her ear and apparently her earring had come off right as her friends were (literally) dragging her away. I didn’t notice it at first, and she was gone so quick that I couldn’t give it back to her, I just put it in my change tray and forgot about it.
Fast forward to about 2 months later, I pull up to a comedy club and as I am parking, she walks by. I don’t know how I managed to recognize her,and I certainly didn’t know her name, but I remembered that I had her earring in my change tray still. I ran up to her and said “excuse me!” and she said “yes…” and looked at me as if she obviously didn’t recognize me. I said “I think this is your earring” and she said “OMG where did you find that. I said “in my mouth” and we just stared at eachother blankly for a few moments. She nodded and looked at the ground while sticking out her hand. I gave it back silently and walked the other direction.
At a party when I was like 18, semi-drunk. Some girl I’ve never seen before comes up to me and say “my friend thinks your really cute.” I walk over and ask if she wants a beer and she says “I’m good, you’re already good looking enough.” So I grab her hand and we go upstairs into the bathroom and fuck.
tl;dr fucked a girl about 90 seconds after meeting her
had a threesome…the girls blew lines of coke off my penis (pretty short lines)…then off girls asses..they were making out and I went to get a drink… too drunk and high to think much of it but ended up walking past my living room with all 4 roommates playing mario cart fully erect…that was interesting
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You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.