18 Ways To Procrastinate Your Way To The Weekend
1. Walk to the office printer with a sense of urgency carrying two to three folders under your arm. Keep your head down looking at your iPhone and type something like “hehehehehe” at a vigorous pace to no one in particular.
2. “Forget” your last meeting of the day because you know it’s always soo boring and goes on way past 5. You need to be downing those TGIF slash I-Hate-My-Job cocktails by 6 at the latest.
3. Shop for things on ASOS. Everything’s on sale and you start planning looks and organizing outfits in your head. Keep a special tab open in your web browser so you can easily navigate between your work email and your shopping cart.
4. Read blogs and spend the last few hours of the day leaving anonymous, heated comments.
5. Plan a fantasy vacation. Think: hmm, maybe I should take some time off work and go to London. Wonder if there is any way you can make that trip business-related so that the company pays for it, not you.
6. Scour the internet for a new job. Read about how much more money people make in other jobs and wish you had that job. Think that maybe you shouldn’t have majored in business in college, maybe you should have been a poet after all. If you actually liked your job, you wouldn’t be sitting here just waiting for the end of the stay to strike.
7. Find the nicest pen and jot down every single task you have to do in your best handwriting.
8. Take frequent bathroom trips making sure to bring your iPhone. Stay in the stall for a long time so you can check Grindr/OKCupid/Facebook in peace. Respond to messages as needed. Nobody is going to ask why you were in the stall so long, and if they do just tell them you have explosive diarrhea and they will never bother you about it again.
9. Organize your desktop. Clear away all the icons on your computer screen then start organizing things into special folders in alphabetical order.
10. Keep a minimized Excel spreadsheet open at all times so that you can imperciptibly go between shopping on ASOS, your OKCupid profile page, and leaving comments on blogs.
11. Look at photos of cats online. Watch videos of cats online.
12. Get on Gchat and talk to all of your friends about how much work you have to do, don’t do any of it.
13. Put a bunch of things in your Netflix queue to watch this weekend. Know deep down you’re never going to watch half the videos you put in there.
14. Work on the various pick-up lines you can use at the bar tomorrow.
15. Play Words With Friends.
16. Respond to the text your ex sent you a few days ago that you vowed to ignore.
17. Don’t wait for the Friday cocktail hour to start — open up that top drawer, bust out that emergency flask and start drinking now.
18. Check the clock every five minutes. Start packing things up at 4:12. The last 48 minutes always feels SO LONG.
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3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.
The sad truth is that even if we were to invest all of our time and resources into making ourselves look like somebody else, most of us would not succeed in complying with the ridiculously unattainable beauty standard created by the media.
Don’t pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.