17 Ways Television Has Destroyed My Brain
1. For no reason in particular, the song most commonly stuck in my head is not Chopin or Zeppelin — it’s the theme song from Ducktales.
2. Whenever I introduce work friends to my college friends, I feel like I’m in some kind of weird TV crossover episode.
3. I have unrealistic expectations for just about everything in life, especially how large and beautiful my conveniently located apartment should be.
4. I often explain myself using references to things I’ve never actually experienced, like pop culture from the decade before I was born.
5. I genuinely can’t relate to people who haven’t seen the first eight seasons of The Simpsons.
6. I get depressed when my life lacks conflict and distraught when I realize conflict isn’t actually fun.
7. The first thought that comes into my head when something tragic or profound happens is, “This is just like on TV.” The second thought is, “I wish I hadn’t just thought that,” which is usually followed by, “I am so much like Zach Braff in Scrubs.” And then a lifetime of self-loathing.
8. I don’t read.
9. I’m rarely surprised by storytelling — there are only seven stories and I’ve heard 5,000 versions of each.
10. I talk as if I have a speech impediment because my brain lacks the experience to form the eloquent, complex thoughts it’s heard in Aaron Sorkin dramas.
11. I hang out with a lot of comedians, whose wisecracks make my life seem a little more like the sitcom I wish it were, while also sapping it of all sincerity.
12. Whenever I spend time with someone else’s family, I feel like I’m in a cheesy spinoff of my life.
13. Since I usually watch TV while doing something else, I’ve lost the capacity to focus on just one thing, especially the sound of people talking.
14. I keep all social interaction to a minimum in order to avoid breaking the trivial, Seinfeldian rules of society, rather than being an outgoing and friendly person who might occasionally be the subject of an eye roll.
15. I can’t imagine a world in which — actually, I’ll just stop there. I can’t imagine.
16. Everyone I know looks like an uglier version of some celebrity.
17. I majored in Communications.
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Soon, your honger — your hungry anger — will drive you to eat that Jumbo Slice and/or pack of nuggets as though it dishonored your family name and this is feudal China.
What I said: “Oh yeah! I’m sorry I’m just really out of it. What’s your name again?”
What I meant: “I’ve never met you before and you just want pity in the face of tragedy.”
Fast & Furious 6 is incredible. I’m not even lying. Definitely go see it.
And I am not interested in torturing myself with questions of “What if he meets someone else?” I’m sure you will. And maybe you’ll manage to fool her for even longer than you did me.