15 Things That Should Be Illegal In The Morning
1. Realizing that someone at work has a hangover and saying, half-perkily/half-snidely, “Looks like someone had a little bit too much to drink last night, eh?”
2. Putting an empty carton of milk back into the refrigerator. (To be fair, this should be illegal at all times, but the penalty should be doubled if you make someone realize that they are going to have dry cereal or black coffee first thing in the morning.)
3. Bringing a ton of strollers into the coffee shop and crowding it up with screaming babies during the hour where people are just trying to get their coffee and go to work.
4. Talking loudly on your cellphone in an extremely crowded subway car, so everyone’s morning commute has to be filled with the sound of your inane conversation about last night’s activities.
5. Walking slowly down the sidewalk, marveling at the sights and sounds and wonders of human existence, when people are actually trying to get somewhere.
6. Bringing a delicious-looking pastry into the office and eating it slowly in front of everyone when you did not bring anything to share. (Come on, didn’t we learn this in first grade?)
7. Being an asshole to the poor, innocent barista who has been up working since five a.m. this morning just so we can all have our favorite drink to start our day.
8. Shoving your way onto a subway car that is clearly already filled to the brim so that now everyone has to be awkwardly shoved up against one another and not even have enough space to hold onto something.
9. Having oppressive coffee breath and insisting on talking to people at unreasonably close proximities. (By the by, what is the protocol here? Do you tell them about their problem and save them future embarrassment or do you just let it ride like a coward? Life is filled with difficult decisions.)
10. Talking to your coworkers about how you got up at 6 a.m. this morning so you could go for a refreshing bike ride/run around the city while we were all trying to get every possible minute of sleep.
11. Looking perfect and refreshed and well-coiffed at 7:30 a.m. on public transportation when everyone else looks like they just crawled out from an underground bomb shelter.
12. Driving in the HOV lane when you are clearly only one person, and everyone else is making sacrifices to commute in groups, in part so they can use that precious lane.
13. Spreading your legs out (I’m looking at you, men who seem to be trying to accomodate their enormous balls) and opening up a big newspaper on the bus or subway when people around you are as cramped as possible.
14. Continuing to talk loudly on your cellphone while in the elevator up to your very-highly-placed office floor.
15. Reminding everyone how much you love mornings and how great you feel and how excited you are to attack the day. (Come on, bro, life is hard enough already.)
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…A Smith Corona electric SL-580 typewriter, to be precise.
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