15 Things Ruined By Watching Scary Movies
Specifically closing a medicine cabinet mirror and unexpectedly being greeted by some type of hostile demon’s/monster’s/murderer’s face. Not to mention foggy mirrors which are like an Etch-A-Sketch for the paranormal to write creepy words on.
2. Children’s Artwork
What’s that, little Timmy — you want to show me your drawing? Let’s see it, I’m sure it’s really nic – OH MY GOD, IT’S YOUR FAMILY HANGING FROM TREES… That’s not even the issue though; you used Blast Off Bronze when tree bark is clearly more of a Sienna. Have you Crayolost your mind? If you’re going to depict your family being lynched, do it right. Sloppy work, Timmy, just sloppy. Kid art used to be bad but cute, now it’s bad and terrifying.
3. Little Kids In General
They have imaginary friends and according to every movie nowadays, are very vulnerable to the influence of demons and ghouls. With that in mind, if a kid ever even insinuates that he’s got a “friend,” that should be the end of your interaction with them. No babysitting gig is worth your horrifying death via some 8-year-old’s ghost homies.
4. Night Vision
A while back green tinted night vision was a cool, fun technology that we’d only seen via Paris Hilton’s sex tape. But now? It’s like the spirits only want to be on camera if it’s being filmed in night vision. And these aren’t the Casper, friendly ghouls. These are the tear your blankets off, pull you out of bed and possess your body type deals.
5. The Backseat Of A Car
If you check the backseat of cars for a killer every time you get in, surely some scary movie got to you.
6. Big Houses
It’s basically just more rooms for a murderer to hide in or space for ghosts to roam around and that takes away from a mansion’s entire appeal. Plus the paranormal don’t seem to f-ck around with anything less than two-story homes that are 2000 square feet, minimum. How many times have you seen Paranormal things happen in a trailer?
7. Public, Nighttime Sex
For whatever reasons sex in a public place is the go-to scenario for horror flicks to throw a couple of victims in. It’s usually the prettiest members of the cast who naturally can’t resist each other’s gorgeousness, so they hook up in the woods, the car, the desert – wherever it’s nice and exposed, which typically ends with their gruesome deaths.
8. Old People
Grandmas and Grandpas are notorious for having a strange (not necessarily bad, but strange) smell and an abundance of hard candies. Now there’s this movie phenomenon that sheds the elderly in a scary way. Much like children, old folks now have a short leash as far as behaving creepily goes. Oh, Nana’s acting strange? Well I’ll go ahead and Google the furthest nursing homes.
On second thought, clowns ruin clowns. Nobody wants anything to do with them and they kind of brought that on themselves with their eerie face paint and creepy ways. It didn’t do them any favors either.
Once you’ve seen scary movies involve a hallway, you can’t un-see it. At the end of every hall you dread that you’ll see a long-haired, strange silhouette looming in the near distance, just waiting to attack you.
Let me specify – zombies are awesome and if we must have an apocalypse, it’d be interesting to play The Walking Dead in real life. But notice that I said The WALKING Dead. Because they walk. Those corn-fed, RUNNING, JUMPING zombies are unacceptable. They’re supposed to slowly drag their decaying bodies toward you — not sprint or have the athletic ability of LeBron James.
So naked. So vulnerable. It’s nice to relax and let the water pellets tap against your body — but it’s also nice to not be so relaxed that a psycho, killer can casually enter the bathroom and carve you up unexpectedly.
13. Commercial Breaks
When it’s nighttime and we’re trying to enjoy television, there’s always got to be some new horror flick trailer gracing us with its scary-ass presence. Then we have to make a hasty lunge toward the remote to change channels before too much mental damage is done.
14. Being Black In A Scary Situation
Look, we all know how it goes. How many black people have you seen manage to be alive when the end credits roll? The only occasion I can think of is Ving Rhames in Dawn Of The Dead, and during the credits they showed a clip of his character and others arriving at a place littered with zombies – so it’s safe to assume he met his demise shortly thereafter.
15. Having Your Back To Anything Other Than A Wall
Your back facing an open space = the most vulnerable position. Movies love to show the antagonist preying behind the clueless victim, who has no idea that they’re done for. I mean, even as I sit at this keyboard typing I’m vulnerable. Someone could come up behind me at any second and snap my ne
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.