15 Questions I Ask Myself At A Bar

Jul. 28, 2012

By Sydney Nikols info

She writes funny lists for her blog enlisted.tumblr.com as well as offensively girly articles for eHow Style. ...

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Bars fascinate me. The drinks cost four times as much as they should, the music is never quite what you had hoped it would be, and everyone seems to be there to either a) hook up or b) get married, but the a’s rarely meet the a’s and God knows the b’s never meet the b’s. These are universal truths that we all know and understand, yet we keep comin’ back week after week, like cows to the crowded, dimly-lit, Pitbull-playing slaughter. No matter what bar in what city I’ve found myself in, my inner monologue tends to be pretty much the same. Here, I present you with a small sample of the queries that pop into my head every weekend when it’s time to pAiNt thE tOwN.

1. Why is every single male here wearing a striped collared shirt? Does this place have a uniform I should be aware of?

2. Am I actually expected to talk to anyone other than the small group of people I came with? Seriously?

3. I’m sorry, this eight-ounce watery vodka concoction is costing me how much? I could buy two burritos for that price. Oh my God, burritos…

4. Why did I wear heels? This night was not worth wearing heels for.

5. Do people know I’m being semi-ironic when I shake my ass like this? I am being semi-ironic when I shake my ass like this, right?

6. At what point can I tell this sweaty-faced spiky-haired male that I have a boyfriend? Is it uncouth to suggest that the girl in the scrunchy turquoise dress featuring the exposed ass cheek might be more his speed?

7. Where exactly is the nearest late-night pizza place and how exactly can I get there?

8. Judging by tonight’s music selection, is it reasonable to assume that not everyone hates Lady Gaga as much as I do? Work with me here, people. The woman wears dresses made of meat.

9. Why do girls shop at Forever 21 if they don’t know how to do it correctly? It’s a fine art, you know.

10. At what point is it socially acceptable to order a couple rounds of “bar snacks” acting as if they’re for the group but really looming over them as if I haven’t eaten since I was 12?

11. Why is it that the drunker I get the more normal it seems to take team trips to the girls’ bathroom?

12. How many times this week will I have scrambled eggs for dinner in order to pay for this ginger pear mojito? On a more philosophical note, why did God make poor choices taste so devilishly good?

13. My eyeliner is taking a road trip down south isn’t it? Remind me again why I even bother with makeup?

14. Can we go home now?

15. Wait, we’re going home?? Hold on, I think I need another drink… TC mark

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  • Bars Are Stupid

    The only question I ever ask myself in a bar is, “Why the fuck did I come to this bar?”

  • michaelwg

    I always feel like Animal Planet is filming the whole thing with hidden cameras and Morgan Freeman is narrating the human mating ritual. Bars are ridiculous.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jparker2 Josh Parker

      Clubs are ridiculous, bar’s can be a nice place to relax with friends.

  • carrie

    Oh my god this is too good!!

  • Guest

    #7 FTW

  • http://www.facebook.com/davey.kuraner Davey Kuraner

    There’s nothing nicer than a good bar. The trick is knowing when to stop going to a less than stellar one that your friends say is “THE BEST EVER OMG”.

  • Emma

    Sorry Sydney, but you sound like a real wet blanket.

  • http://twitter.com/Gilthwixt Patrick M (@Gilthwixt)

    Sorry, I want to like your article because I agree with some of your points, but really? #2? Why would you go out in public to a place crowded with strangers looking to meet other strangers if you didn’t want to meet new people in the first place? If you’re only there to talk to the people you know, why not do it elsewhere? Why not somewhere that isn’t crawling with horny creepers, like say a restaurant, dinner show or cabaret?

  • dylan

    So TC is just running anything now as long as it is in list form.

    • TC is Dumb

      Well, just look at how low the bar is set by the site owner (Ryan O’Connell). Read any of his articles and gasp in wonder at how incredibly shitty and vapid most of them are. Illuminating? Informative? IMPORTANT? I’d rather read People Magazine.

      • Elijah

        Didn’t know Ryan was the site owner. That explains a lot.

        I think the nature of the site just gives way to frivolity (thought catalog – not every thought that pop into our heads needs to be expounded upon) and it is reflective of the self absorbed nature of the “millenial” generation, made even worse by self congratulatory social media networks.

        I think the writing needs to be more objective, and on more universal subject matter. Too white-24-year-old-with-a-liberal-arts-degree for me.

  • ericwilliamsneu

    There’s always one in every crowd.

  • LH

    Perfectly accurate

  • http://gatheringmossblog.wordpress.com gatheringmossblog

    yuummm….ginger pear mojitos

    And did Patrick^^^^use the word “cabaret”?! Who the hell says that???

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