15 Questions I Ask Myself At A Bar
1. Why is every single male here wearing a striped collared shirt? Does this place have a uniform I should be aware of?
2. Am I actually expected to talk to anyone other than the small group of people I came with? Seriously?
3. I’m sorry, this eight-ounce watery vodka concoction is costing me how much? I could buy two burritos for that price. Oh my God, burritos…
4. Why did I wear heels? This night was not worth wearing heels for.
5. Do people know I’m being semi-ironic when I shake my ass like this? I am being semi-ironic when I shake my ass like this, right?
6. At what point can I tell this sweaty-faced spiky-haired male that I have a boyfriend? Is it uncouth to suggest that the girl in the scrunchy turquoise dress featuring the exposed ass cheek might be more his speed?
7. Where exactly is the nearest late-night pizza place and how exactly can I get there?
8. Judging by tonight’s music selection, is it reasonable to assume that not everyone hates Lady Gaga as much as I do? Work with me here, people. The woman wears dresses made of meat.
9. Why do girls shop at Forever 21 if they don’t know how to do it correctly? It’s a fine art, you know.
10. At what point is it socially acceptable to order a couple rounds of “bar snacks” acting as if they’re for the group but really looming over them as if I haven’t eaten since I was 12?
11. Why is it that the drunker I get the more normal it seems to take team trips to the girls’ bathroom?
12. How many times this week will I have scrambled eggs for dinner in order to pay for this ginger pear mojito? On a more philosophical note, why did God make poor choices taste so devilishly good?
13. My eyeliner is taking a road trip down south isn’t it? Remind me again why I even bother with makeup?
14. Can we go home now?
15. Wait, we’re going home?? Hold on, I think I need another drink…
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You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.