15 Life Tips If The Apocalypse Is This Year
1. Lose wait. No, not weight. In fact, I encourage you to gain weight by eating fried, greasy calories as often as possible. What I mean by lose wait is to avoid long lines and delays. We don’t have time for the DMV or flight layovers if our days are numbered.
2. Don’t hold in farts. Holding in farts is for first dates, not last days. Don’t put that kind of pressure and discomfort on yourself. I think I represent all lactose intolerant folks when I say; I plan on eating a lot of ice cream in the event of a scheduled apocalypse. I don’t plan on being conservative with gas — burps included. Open flatulence will have to be understood and accepted across the globe.
3. We’re scheduled to meet our demise on December 21st — just days before Christmas. We can’t allow that. Let’s celebrate the holidays from September 1, 2012 until the end of days. Lights, music, decorations, cookies and gifts for about four months? That sounds fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-wesome.
4. Approach any and every person you find attractive. If they reject you, it’s not the end of the world — but it will be soon, so make a move! Take the blow with your chin up and move on to the next one.
5. Organize a group, gain access to AMC headquarters and find the rest of The Walking Dead’s third season. Obviously they won’t have aired every episode by December, so we’ll steal the footage and have a viewing party amongst fellow zombie fanatics. (Perform the same process for any shows you like, that won’t air before the world has its series finale.)
6. No stress is allowed, no matter what the scenario. If life is too short for daily anxiety now, imagine how unacceptable it’d be with such a short amount of time to spare. Spilt milk automatically becomes water under the bridge.
7. Don’t bother trying to plot a magnificent escape route, in which you survive the initial chaos. It isn’t going to go down like it did in the 2012 movie — not even for John Cusack.
8. Be naked a lot more often than you typically would. Something about exposing yourself (e.g. streaking) feels risqué and exciting. If we’re all about to die, there’s no reason to be self-conscious over our body type. At worst people will only be able to insult your physique for the next four months.
9. Retire from school and work. Education is the best if there’s a future to apply it to. Unfortunately in this scenario there’s not, so why bother? Same goes for work. You don’t need to spend hours upon hours doing a particular job when time is wasting. Come to think of it — drop all responsibilities. Alarm clocks will be useless. Smash ‘em, throw ‘em, burn ‘em for the years of untimely ringing they’ve done.
10. Come out of the closet from whatever you’re hiding, so people can know the real you before it’s all over. Do you enjoy Nickelback, black licorice or something that’s widely considered taboo? Let it be known and embrace your uniqueness. Nobody wants to leave this world without their friends and family well aware of their true likings and unpopular music choices.
11. Make family time a regular event. When we expect to have them there tomorrow, it’s easy to neglect our Mom, Dad and siblings — but no longer can we do that. Don’t rush them off of the phone or avoid their gatherings or any occasion to spend time. These are the people who raised us, or we grew up with — so as boring as board game night may be, there are only a handful more of ‘em before everything goes kaput.
12. Build your debt. Sh-tty credit scores will now indicate who’s winning at life, much like golf — the lower, the better. Go out and buy the crap you want via credit. Large TVs, fancy cappuccino makers, extravagant chandeliers — whatever tickles your fancy. With limited time on earth remaining, material things can only provide so much happiness — but every little bit helps.
13. Bury hatchets. There’s no need to have enemies when the universe is preparing to be your biggest foe of all. Make peace with everyone you dislike, or vice versa — then move on happily about your business.
14. With a looming apocalypse, water should now rank about third or fourth on your list of preferred beverages. Yes it’s a necessity and at times of serious thirst, water will be the most desirable quencher. That being said, there’ll likely be an increase in the amount of alcohol, soda, coffee and other pick-me-ups being consumed.
15. Do whatever the heck it is that you feel the urge to do. If we’re all near the end, we really should just do what feels right. If there’s anything you’ve ever aspired for — this short stretch before our inevitable demise is probably as good as any. So go take some risks, try some new things and get wild and crazy… unless you don’t believe the apocalypse is this year, in which case you should proceed about your day in a more logical, longterm manner.
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i inhaled deeply. your scent, your deodorant, your cologne, even your morning breath. i know these scents so well and the familiarity is comforting.
This video of a puppy watching a scene we’re so familiar with and evoking the same sentiments we once felt is oddly heartwarming, extremely precious and a dash of funny.
You died, and the hope that you would one day love us back the way we loved you died with you.
Weight Watchers likes to say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Which I guess means they’ve never tasted Cinnamon Toast Crunch.