10 Steps To Dealing With Bed Bugs

1. Snap out of denial: The suspicious consecutive bug bites on your arm aren’t from your allergy to life, so face the truth and man up.

2. Research: Google image bedbugs and projectile vomit the instant you see their soul-sucking demeanor via the internet.

3. Inspect: Tip-toe around your apartment searching for clues of the enemies’ company. Search the crevices of the walls for approximately 45 seconds until you realize you’d rather not find one because what if it looks you in the eyes.

4. Panic: Flail around your habitat squealing and cursing the existence of such a despicable creature.

5. Use bug-repellant powder: Slice open the five-pound bag of powder you bought on a whim and dump it on your bed. Make sure it looks like a cocaine addict sneezed all over your apartment; that’s how you know you’re doing it right.

6. Don’t sleep: They’re called “bed” bugs for a reason, right? Just don’t bother sleeping, not that you could even if you wanted since you can’t escape this state of mania that has devoured your mind.

7. Call pest control: Oh, look the sun has already risen and the leasing house is open! Call your apartment manager and have them know you think there’s a demonic infestation in your place of living.

8. Take a nap: Pest control can’t come for another few hours, so go ahead and rest those tired, paranoid eyes, but not on your bed of course! Try sleeping on top of your oven, since that’s the last place the bedbugs would look for you.

9. Explain: When pest control has arrived, try to maintain your body spasms and trembling hands while explaining the white powder encapsulating your room. Let them search your apartment and bug bomb the place.

10. Inhale: Take a deep breath. And by take a deep breath, I mean fall asleep on your futon after they’ve bug bombed, even though they said to evacuate for 4-5 hours, and let the fumes soak into your pores. That way, if any creatures are hiding in your organs, they will successfully die along with your sanity.

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