10 Simple Ways To Get Laid

1. Be female.

I’m not saying that guys can’t get laid, just that it’s much easier for women, probably on account of the boobs and the lovely soft skin and such.

2. Be yourself and you can be anything.

OK I stole that one from Katy Perry, but only because it’s true. People can smell fakery like bad B.O., and no one wants to sleep with someone that stinks. Be yourself and not only will someone sleep with you, it will probably be someone that likes you and that you like in return, on account of all the truth and honesty and shared interests and ideas and fairies and glitter and puppies and salt & vinegar chips and Die Hard (that last part was me being myself. Put your hand up if you’re hot for me).

3. Don’t be a total dick.

No. 2 doesn’t count if you’re a total dick. If you’re a dick, DO NOT be yourself (that applies to your everyday life as much as it does to getting laid). People only want to sleep with dicks in a literal sense; being one figuratively will most certainly not get you laid.

4. Spend lots of money.

As much as people like to be “independent” and “self-sufficient,” there’s nothing romantic about splitting a bill on the first date. If you asked someone out, pay. Take them somewhere fancy and you increase what they owe you from head-job to sex. Just kidding, they don’t owe you jack, but if rap music is anything to go by, rollin’ in the Benjamins is a goddamn aphrodisiac.

5. Be good looking.

I live in the belief that no one is ugly, but I also acknowledge that some are more blessed with natural aesthetic than others. If you are one of these then GOOD FOR YOU! YOU’RE GOING TO GET LAID!

6. At the very least, smell good.

If you don’t look like a Disney Prince or Beyonce, it’s OK (you’re still beautiful), make sure you’re extra clean. See above: “no one wants to sleep with someone that stinks.”

7. Be chill.

DO NOT rock out with your cock out. DO NOT grind, on anything, ever. DO NOT be desperate. Basically, you want to strike a delicate balance between seeming like you’re not interested in sex while exuding a general air of “but would definitely be open to it.”

8. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Tell the person you want to sleep with all the good things about themselves, but don’t be a creep. Non-creepy flattery: “You have beautiful hair.” Creepy flattery: “I can smell your genitals from here and boy, do I like it!”

9. Pick your battles.

That surly model in the corner not talking to anyone except their model friends, who keeps sneaking back and forth from the bathroom like there’s a million puppies in there that you’re allowed to play with, who’s wearing the latest season this and that while sipping on a cocktail that cost more than what you earn an hour; yeah, that is not going to sleep with you. Seek approachability, friendliness, fun-havers and those of humble cuteness (in a Zooey Deschanel or Mark Ruffalo kind of way), and you’re instantly 200% more likely to get laid.

10. Ask nicely.

Sometimes, honesty is the best policy when it comes to fitting your genitals together with someone else’s. When you’re having a great time with someone and there’s a “vibe,” oftentimes both parties will wuss out and end up in bed alone dissecting the entire evening and wondering what went wrong (while probably also masturbating, maybe crying). It’s like when you were in school and your teacher would say, “If you have a question, chances are someone else in the class has the same one, so ask it.” If you want to bone someone, chances are they want to bone you too. Man up, take one of the team, and invite someone home tonight! 

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