10 Plagues For 2012
1. Turning All Water To Blood = Turning All Coffee To Water
7:19 And the LORD spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the coffee cups of Egypt, upon their Talls, upon their Grandes, and upon their Ventis and upon all their holders of coffee, that they may become water; and that there may be only water throughout all the land of Egypt, both in vessels of ceramic, plastic and in vessels of styrofoam.
2. Frogs = Bed Bugs
8:2 And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with bed bugs:
8:3 And the college dormitories shall bring forth bed bugs abundantly, which shall go up and come into thine house, and into thy bedchamber, and upon thy bed, and into the house of thy sexual partners, and upon thy people, and into thine ovens, and into thy couches:
8:4 And the bed bugs shall come up and lay eggs both in thee, and in thy people, and in all thy sexual partners.
3. Lice = Oil
8:16 And the LORD said unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may spill oil for extreme gas prices throughout all the land of Egypt.
4. Flies = Spam Mail
8:21 Else, if thou wilt not let my people go, behold, I will send swarms of spam mail upon thy email, and upon thy friends’ email, and upon thy people’s email, and into thy cellular devices: and the inboxes of the Egyptians shall be full of swarms of daily deals, chain letters, and also pornography.
5. Pestilence = The End Of Instant Food Gratification
9:3 Behold, the hand of the LORD is upon thy fast food which is at the McDonalds, in the Taco Bell, in the Wendy’s, at the In and Out, in the Pizza Hut, and at the Burger King: there shall be a very long, grievous wait.
6. Boils = Herpes
9:8 And the LORD said unto Moses and unto Aaron, Take to you brushes of sores of the genitals, and let Moses rub it on bodies in the sight of Pharaoh.
9:9 And it shall become a herpes outbreak in all the land of Egypt, and shall be an infection breaking forth with blisters upon man, and even upon beast, throughout all the land of Egypt.
7. Hail = Earthquakes And Tsunamis
9:18 Behold, tomorrow about this time I will cause it to shake a very grievous quake, and flood from a very grievous wave, such as hath not been in Egypt since the foundation thereof even until now.
8. Locusts = Zombies
10:4 Else, if thou refuse to let my people go, behold, tomorrow will I bring the zombies into thy coast:
10:5 And they shall envelop the face of the earth, that one cannot run away: and they shall eat the residue of that which is escaped, which remaineth unto you from the quake and wave, and also they shall eat your brains.
9. Darkness = Internet Crash
10:21 And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand toward Google, that there may be darkness over the land of Egypt, even darkness which may be felt.
10:22 And Moses stretched forth his hand toward the divine Internet; and there was a definite darkness in all the computers and smartphones in all the land of Egypt for three days.
10. Death Of First Born = Death Of First Born Via Hunger Games
11:4 And Moses said, Thus saith the LORD, About midnight will I go out into the midst of Egypt:
11:5 And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall be sent into the arena of The Hunger Games to fight to the death, from the first born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the virgin Tim Tebow; and most definitely all the firstborn of politicians.
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Took my own braces off with nail clippers.
…So let’s go there.
It’s 2 A.M. and you find yourself in front of a fast food restaurant. The world spins, your stomach growls, and your heart beats. You’re drunk and hungry.
I could write a whole spiel about my distaste for the great American scam that is the unpaid internship, but I digress.