10 People You Went To College With
1. The stoner
The stoner is typically male and has questionable hygiene. You only hang out with him because he smokes you out for free but the second he’s gone, you and your friends LOL about how weird he is. You’ve probably never even seen him in the daylight, which is fine, because you’re not ready to take your friendship to that level yet anyway. You did, however, let him finger you once and it was weird. Oops!
2. The rich girl
The rich girl sticks out for so many reasons. For one thing, her dorm room is TRICKED OUT with luxurious bedding, lamps from Crate & Barrel and a microwave whereas everyone else is on that IKEA tip. Plus, she’s always flying home on the weekends to hang out with her family. Everyone sort of hates The Rich Girl but they don’t show it because she has a car and occasionally gives people rides to the grocery store.
3. The indie shithead
The indie shithead was that person who always left his dorm room open so people could hear their super cool obscure music and wander in and be like, “OMG, you love The Clarinets too?! They’re my fave!” The first week of school, they wear band t-shirts every day so as to spark up conversations with other indie shits on campus. These fuckers like to flock together, like a waif-y moth to a cool flame. Also worth noting: Indie shitheads always have coke.
4. The hot dude
You’ve never, um, spoken to The Hot Dude before but you always see him around campus and you’ve had classes together. He was the sole reason why you ever made it to Statistics. You’ve had elaborate fantasies about this person. You’ve stalked his Facebook extensively. You know his real name but you refer to him simply as “Hot Dude” anyway.
5. The freak on a leash
The freak on a leash lives down the hall from you but you rarely see them because they never leave their dorm room. Rumors spread about their eccentricities (“Stephanie Georgopulos caught her masturbating with strands of her hair in the bathroom!”) but none of them have ever really been substantiated. Whenever someone has a “freak on a leash” sighting, they run and tell their friends and it becomes The Gossip for the next twenty minutes.
6. The boring grandma
The boring grandma is sweet and kind so you feel bad talking shit but, oh my god, she sucks so bad! Like, all she wants to do is knit and do craft circles. The wildest she’ll get is drink two gluten-free beers (which she’ll then puke up because she’s such a lightweight). With everyone else around her acting like complete party animal psychos, the boring grandma sticks out like a sore thumb.
7. The activist
The activist is always spamming your Facebook wall with new rallies about the oppression of dolphins or some shit. They probably have purple hair and tattoos and have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend because sexuality is fluid, bitch! The activist is the reason why you continue not to care about most things.
8. The nemesis
The nemesis is someone who’s in your major and, therefore, technically your competition. On paper, it would seem like you guys have lots in common but that’s sort of the problem. You’re too similar. You’ve probably slept with the same people and applied for the same grants and scholarships. Their life is too close to yours and you’re terrified she’s going to Tonya Harding your ass right before graduation!
9. Your best friend freshman year of college who you never spoke to again
When you’re a freshman in college, you aren’t thinking straight; you’re confused and vulnerable. You sparked up a friendship with this person because you were lonely and had nowhere else to go. As soon as you found your real friends though, you deleted the friendship and just spent the next three years giving this person knowing nods in the quad.
10. The person who is super old
The sixth year senior is embarrassing and your worst fear realized. It’s hard to say if they’re still in college because they’re double majoring or because they just don’t want to leave. Whatever’s the case, avoid this person at all costs. When you’re in college, 28-year-olds are the enemy.
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